The Brittas Empire Season 7 quotes

Helen

(conspiratorially) Who's the most daring, the most macho member of staff? Is it Tim? Or Colin? Or you?

(looks nervous) I'd say Julie.

Gavin thinks I'm tough, but just the thought of that bungee jump scares me to death!

Linda

You're going to die anyway if you get pneumonia.

Well, I don't mind dying of something I'm not scared of.

Since I have been manager of this centre, I am very proud to say there have only been twenty-three deaths. And not one of them was a staff member.

"Dear Councillor Drugget, re your memo of the 14th inst, I am seeking clarification on council policy regarding the buying in of alternative services. Can I take it this does not refer to alternative religious services, as was first thought? If so, I shall inform the Reverend Bernie Simpson that he can no longer hold Voodoo sacrifices in the squash courts. Yours etc etc. P.S. Most of the chicken blood has now been successfully removed from the walls."

To them, you're a non-person. And you can't argue with a government department.

Timothy! You've arranged to play squash with Gavin, you're all set and raring to go. When suddenly, he stands you up because he's decided to go out with his girlfriend! Course of action?

Well, there are a number of options, Mr Brittas: tampering with his brakes, electrocuting him with his CD player...

No! You play with yourself!

Carole

That's Mrs Phillips for a standby ticket, swim session, in Lane 2, with a sachet of shampoo for greasy hair!

It took me years to make Deputy! How come Carole does it overnight?

Ah well, she's got a "lion within", you see.

Oh, yeah? And what have I got?

...A gerbil?

Dreams workshop tomorrow lunchtime. Now, it's purely voluntary, but everyone must attend. And I want you all to have a good dream tonight, and bring it in with you tomorrow morning.

Helen

What are you doing?

Sharpening my pencil, ready for the morning! Fortunately, my darling, you're married to a man who keeps a pencil sharpener in his bedside cabinet.

I have just broken the news to Gavin's parents over the phone, and needless to say, they were very distressed.

Julie

Especially when you reversed the charges.

Julie

So, what're you going to do if the press get hold of this? You know how they made a mountain out of a molehill when the centre burned down.

All part of handling our friends in the media, Julie. (picks up the phone and dials) Nip it in the bud with some swift positive action...Hello, Whitbury Evening News? News desk, please...Hello, Gordon Brittas, manager of Whitbury Leisure Centre. I'd just like to quell any rumours you might have heard about there being an outbreak of contagious disease here at the leisure centre. Oh, and by the way, it's definitely not bobular fever.

Why do you people in the media always focus on the negative side of things, when so much of what happens at this leisure centre is a success story? Last year, six hundred people visited this centre, and nearly five hundred returned home without any loss of life or serious injury!

Julie

You don't need to put fish on the Ark. They can stay in the sea.

Colin

Eh?

Julie

Well, what's a flood to a fish? It's more room to swim around in.

Colin

Julie, you have a brain! I can see why that young man of yours wants to marry you.

Helen

Carole, my last client: when he left, did he walk all hunched up, head down, jabbering to himself?

Carole

Yes, Mrs Brittas.

Helen

Good, good. He's getting better.