Carole quotes from The Brittas Empire

Carole

It's an ugly bug ball. I've sewn Ben into a pillowcase. He's going as a chrysalis. He's in there pupating at the moment.

Carole

That's Mrs Phillips for a standby ticket, swim session, in Lane 2, with a sachet of shampoo for greasy hair!

Carole

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre. How may I help you?

Carole

I thought you'd throw me out.

Throw you out, Carole? What do you think I am?

Carole

Sorry, Mr Brittas.

Of course I'd throw you out!

You're eight and a half months pregnant and you haven't seen a doctor?

Carole

I suppose I...I hoped it would go away.

Carole, can I have the solvent please?

Colin

It's no good, Mr Brittas.

Pardon?

Colin

She's in a trance. I think she's having another vision.

Well, do you think we could wake her up, Colin? I need the solvent.

Colin

I don't think that would be wise, Mr Brittas.

Carole

No, no, not more blood in here. Not in here, please!

Colin, the borough council employs Carole 'cause of her skills as a receptionist, not 'cause she claims to see into next week with an eye in the middle of her forehead. Wake her up, will you?

Laura

He's promised not to speak for eight hours.

Carole

Eight hours? But how on earth will he do all his managing?

Laura

D'you know, it hasn't made as much different as you'd have thought?

Helen

God, what a journey! Four children projectile-vomiting non-stop from St Austell!

Carole

Oh, dear. Are they ill?

Helen

I think it was the crab they ate yesterday.

Carole

Oh, you have to be so careful in restaurants, don't you?

Helen

They'd have been fine in a restaurant. This was a dead one they found on the beach.

Colin

Interesting walk, Mr Brittas?

Incident-packed, Colin, though not interesting per se. Certainly not as interesting as walk number 27.

Colin

Ah, yes, the roundabouts of Whitbury. Their verges and their bollards... Fascinating stuff.

A heady brew for any walker. Give me a hand with this, will you?

Colin

Certainly, Mr Brittas... (Starts removing the hose and wheel around Mr Brittas' neck) I've done two more walks myself, Mr Brittas, for your research.

Good man! Debrief in my office, ten minutes.

Colin

Wilco, Mr Brittas. I've also rigged up the "Face in the Crowd" display, but I'm afraid I have to report that. Mrs Bidmead has defaced the poster.

Dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Colin

Shall I call the police?

Not yet, Colin, I'd better look into the matter first.

Colin

If it should come to court, Mr Brittas, Carole here was a witness to the whole event.

Is this true, Carole?

Carole

Yes, Mr Brittas.

Colin

In fact, it was Carole who lent her the pen.

Really, Carole?

Carole

Well, I suppose so...

So you are in fact an accessory to this alleged act of vandalism?

Carole

Well, I suppose...

I would be careful what you say, Carole. I shall, of course, be holding a fully internal inquiry, but I'd strongly advise you not to say anything at all till you've spoken to your legal representative.

Carole

Yes, Mr Brittas...

Saddam Hussein, here!

Carole

Well, he shouldn't be! He hasn't got a ticket!

Has that brine delivery arrived yet?

Carole

Yes, Mr Brittas. They're PUMPING it through the back door!

Eeexcellent!

Helen

Carole, my last client: when he left, did he walk all hunched up, head down, jabbering to himself?

Carole

Yes, Mrs Brittas.

Helen

Good, good. He's getting better.