Why am I holding up a green flag?
He's out of my train set, Mr Brittas.
He doesn't look very like me.
TTim
Oh, I don't know. He's waving his arms about, blowing a whistle, nobody's taking any notice, and he's entirely made out of plastic.
S6Back with a Bang
The details are coming back. That coffin was very cramped. Most uncomfortable. I suspect it didn't conform to European standards.
S6Body Language
It's an ugly bug ball. I've sewn Ben into a pillowcase. He's going as a chrysalis. He's in there pupating at the moment.
I don't know if you've come from another planet, or if you can understand me, but if you have, and if you can, I'd like you to know that you have effected an unauthorised entry into this leisure centre, which is in clear breach of the council by-laws, incurring automatic membership suspension. Also, you're gonna have to pay for this damage!
S6At the Double
AAmerican
We represent the First National Church of Chattanooga. Do I have the pleasure of speaking to Mr Gordon Bright-ass?
We went to a Vicars and Tarts party once. I went as the vicar, and he went as a Bakewell tart. The dog was all over him.
S6A Walk on the Wildside
Interesting walk, Mr Brittas?
Incident-packed, Colin, though not interesting per se. Certainly not as interesting as walk number 27.
Ah, yes, the roundabouts of Whitbury. Their verges and their bollards... Fascinating stuff.
A heady brew for any walker. Give me a hand with this, will you?
Certainly, Mr Brittas... (Starts removing the hose and wheel around Mr Brittas' neck) I've done two more walks myself, Mr Brittas, for your research.
Good man! Debrief in my office, ten minutes.
Wilco, Mr Brittas. I've also rigged up the "Face in the Crowd" display, but I'm afraid I have to report that. Mrs Bidmead has defaced the poster.
(Colin shows Brittas the writing that reads "EXCEPT THE SAUNA AND SOLARIUM")
Dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Shall I call the police?
Not yet, Colin, I'd better look into the matter first.
If it should come to court, Mr Brittas, Carole here was a witness to the whole event.
(Brittas turns to Carole)
Is this true, Carole?
Yes, Mr Brittas.
In fact, it was Carole who lent her the pen.
Really, Carole?
Well, I suppose so...
So you are in fact an accessory to this alleged act of vandalism?
Well, I suppose...
I would be careful what you say, Carole. I shall, of course, be holding a fully internal inquiry, but I'd strongly advise you not to say anything at all till you've spoken to your legal representative.
Yes, Mr Brittas...
Got them old maps you wanted.
Eeeeeexcellent.
And Brussels phoned to see how you're getting on with your "Walks for Health." Apparently, they're getting a very good response from leisure centres throughout Europe.
Good.
There's mad buggers wandering all over the place! And the Germans have already marched through Poland.
Yes, alright, Julie, that's a commentary on walk number 38.
More? I'm gonna induce myself banging away on that keyboard all day, every day.
Er, Julie...
What?
Send a copy to the liaison office at the Ramblers Association, I'm keeping them au fait with the developments...
Yeah, yeah... (exits the office)
As I always say: a disease a day keeps the doctor away.
MMan
Arms wide open, head back, a bit lower... (He and his family smile for the camera just as Mr Brittas and Gavin enter the swimming pool)
So Mrs Bidmead didn't take it?
Not as far as I know, Mr Brittas, no.
MMan
Right everybody, positions.
I might have known, it's you!
MMan
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
So now, you've added theft to your list of criminal activities, have you? (Points to the poster) That poster is Leisure Centre property. It's also central to an inquiry that I'm currently... (The poster goes in the water) You've really done it now! How can I continue my inquiry now you've destroyed the vital evidence. You are guilty of perverting the course of justice, so I have no alternative but to ban you from this leisure centre for the rest of your natural life.
Mr Brittas, I've... hit a bit of a snag. (Rushes into the changing rooms)
Let's go, please.
Er, Gordon?
In a moment, my darling, just getting rid of these trespassers. (to the trespassers) Out you go, please... Out you go! Out you go there. (to Gavin) Right, Gavin, we are now in a position to close the Centre on the grounds that it is in fact a plague zone.
Right, Mr Brittas.
Right.
Gordon, could you come here a moment, please?
Yes, my angel! (Walks up to Helen)
I don't know quite how to put this...
(The man who was in the pool enters)
MMan
Oi, pillock! I've had enough!
(pointing to the man angrily) YOU are banned for life! Gavin, I thought we'd thrown him out.
MMan
You can't ban me, I'm on a public right of way!
Naaaaaaaahhh. (Points to the man) That's is where you are wrong, squire. Gavin, eject him forthwith!
(Then, Tim comes in, panicking)
TTim
I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I've seen him... The Grim Reaper, we're all gonna die!
(As Tim says "we're all gonna die", the man who was in the pool throws the ring at Brittas who ducks, but the ring hits the rope holding the sign and the sign hits Harry who falls to the ground with blood coming out of his head)
(Horrified) Oh no! I think you've killed him! My husband!
What?
My husband...
What? (Observes that Harry has died) So, it's finally come to this. (to the man) In a desperate attempt to claim the prize, you've killed the real winner!
(Colin comes out of the staff rest room with a spray bottle in his hand)
Any more for sheep dip?
Colin, call the police.
With pleasure, Mr Brittas. We're finally going to arrest Mrs. Bidmead, are we?
S6We All Fall Down
With a television crew in attendance, the Olympic torch comes back from the town hall, held aloft symbolically by Linda. The Olympic torch then lights the Eternal Flame, which represents the fire of human endeavour burning forever.
It's gone out!
Saddam Hussein, here!
Well, he shouldn't be! He hasn't got a ticket!
S6Mr Brittas Falls in Love
Has that brine delivery arrived yet?
Yes, Mr Brittas. They're PUMPING it through the back door!
Eeexcellent!
S6Christmas Special: Surviving Christmas
[Mr Brittas, who is wearing a brown jumper, comes down to greet Mr Newmark in the leisure centre's reception]
Ah, Mr Newmark.
NMr Newmark
Gordon, dear boy, Hail fellow well met. I come most carefully from my hour. (Pulls out his Father Christmas costume) Ah, old friend. It hardly seems a twelfth month since last I donned the scarlet robe.
Been a good year then, has it, Mr Newmark?
NMr Newmark
Quiet, Gordon, very quiet.
Yes. Did your agent send you here 'cause I haven't actually spoken to him this year.
NMr Newmark
Nor have I. NO! No, I am mistaken. We did have a brief chat in July. We were discussing my career as Father Christmas, and he told me that in Australia, they have Christmas during the summer, so I went over there in August. It's a complete lie. They have Christmas in December the same as we do.
Yes, of course, but the reason I haven't spoken to your agent, Mr Newmark, is we're not actually booking you this year.
NMr Newmark
Ho ho ho, you jest.
[laughs] No, I don't jest. You see, we're closing the leisure centre today and we're not open until after Christmas. Staff training in Wales.
NMr Newmark
But I always play Father Christmas.
Not this year. You're surplus to requirements.
NMr Newmark
You can't give Father Christmas the sack!
Don't tell me 'cause you already got one! [laughs]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Brittas Empire pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.