Helen quotes from The Brittas Empire

Helen

We went to a Vicars and Tarts party once. I went as the vicar, and he went as a Bakewell tart. The dog was all over him.

How do I look?

Helen

You look fine, dear, very smart.

Well, first day, you got to set the standards. God, we're lucky! We've got so much, haven't we? (Puts his arm round Helen who drops a mug into the sink) Not just each other, but the job, the house, the children. Who's the little one?

Helen

That's Tom.

No no, I meant this chap here.

Helen

I dunno, it must be the little boy from next door or something.

I think I'll just pop out and tell 'em I'm off.

Helen

Oh, do you have to do? They seem to be enjoying themselves.

Shan't be a minute. (Goes out into the back garden)

Helen

(sighs) Oh, dear. (Continues to do the washing and watches as Gordon goes to speak to the children)

Good morning, good morning, good morning, lads. Now, allow me by the benefit of my experience to show you exactly how you can prove your game. (Takes one of the children's cricket bats) I'll take this. You go stand in the gully. You stand in the gully just there, all right? Now for start, three fingers apart. Okay, come on, big lad, give me one. Send one down, nice and fierce, alright? I'll show you. (Swings the bat) You see? That's the kind. You've got to follow through, you see, and make sure you go nicely apart.

Dad!

Give me the bat back.

You'll ruin the game.

Give me the bat back.

No!

Give me it back. I have not finished my demonstration.

No!

You can improve your game, give me it back.

No!

Give... (Tom whacks him with the cricket bat) Oh!

[from outside] I'll have that, thank you very much indeed.

I'm from next door. I'm afraid my little boy has got into your garden.

Helen

Do come in. He's yours, is he? Sorry. (Picks up a box)

Well there's a hole in the fence, you see, and I told him to wait until you've settled in but I just hope he's not being a nuisance.

Helen

No, no, they're playing beautifully together.

Let's see now. When are we free?

Helen

No, it has to be now, Gordon.

Ooh, bit tricky, darling. I'm supposed to be hiding in a locker in the staff changing room.

Helen

He's dead.

Julie

I thought he was in Bulgaria.

Helen

Yes, he's dead in Bulgaria.

Helen

Could you give this to my husband? (hands her a note)

Laura

Yes, of course.

Helen

It's just to tell him it's fish cakes for supper and I'm pregnant.

Laura

You're what?!

Helen

Well, after today's events, I thought the news had rather lost its novelty value, but someone ought to tell him.

Helen

God, what a journey! Four children projectile-vomiting non-stop from St Austell!

Carole

Oh, dear. Are they ill?

Helen

I think it was the crab they ate yesterday.

Carole

Oh, you have to be so careful in restaurants, don't you?

Helen

They'd have been fine in a restaurant. This was a dead one they found on the beach.

Laura

How are you?

Helen

Not so bad...well, fairly bad. You know Carole's living with us now...and her children...and Gordon.

Laura

You've tryed to kill a teacher?

Helen

I wasn't trying to kill him, Laura, my foot slipped!

Helen

I can't see him till 10, can I?

Laura

Why not?

Helen

It takes half an hour for the pills to work!

Let's go, please.

Helen

Er, Gordon?

In a moment, my darling, just getting rid of these trespassers. (to the trespassers) Out you go, please... Out you go! Out you go there. (to Gavin) Right, Gavin, we are now in a position to close the Centre on the grounds that it is in fact a plague zone.

Right, Mr Brittas.

Right.

Helen

Gordon, could you come here a moment, please?

Yes, my angel! (Walks up to Helen)

Helen

I don't know quite how to put this...

Oi, pillock! I've had enough!

(pointing to the man angrily) YOU are banned for life! Gavin, I thought we'd thrown him out.

You can't ban me, I'm on a public right of way!

Naaaaaaaahhh. (Points to the man) That's is where you are wrong, squire. Gavin, eject him forthwith!

I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I've seen him... The Grim Reaper, we're all gonna die!

Helen

(Horrified) Oh no! I think you've killed him! My husband!

What?

Helen

My husband...

What? (Observes that Harry has died) So, it's finally come to this. (to the man) In a desperate attempt to claim the prize, you've killed the real winner!

Colin

Any more for sheep dip?

Colin, call the police.

Colin

With pleasure, Mr Brittas. We're finally going to arrest Mrs. Bidmead, are we?

Helen

(conspiratorially) Who's the most daring, the most macho member of staff? Is it Tim? Or Colin? Or you?

(looks nervous) I'd say Julie.

Helen

What are you doing?

Sharpening my pencil, ready for the morning! Fortunately, my darling, you're married to a man who keeps a pencil sharpener in his bedside cabinet.

Helen

Carole, my last client: when he left, did he walk all hunched up, head down, jabbering to himself?

Carole

Yes, Mrs Brittas.

Helen

Good, good. He's getting better.