SGSgt. Gudda
(his response to Thugnificent's opinion of him on the radio) Hey, dawg. First off, I wanna say that I'm a huge fan of Thugnificent, I grew up listinin' to Thugnificent. Matter of fact, I'd even go ahead, as far, to say that I love this nigga, no homo. He's one of the real niggas that made me wanna do this shit. (A second of silence; Thugnificent is pretty amazed to hear what Sgt. Guddda said about him so far.) But fuck this old ass nigga, man! (He laughs; Thugnificent's amazement gives way to a "WTF" expression.) This old nigga is old enough to be my dad, and he tellin' me to eat a dick? Nigga, what's wrong wit' you?! You a grown-ass man and you tellin' a fifteen-year-old to eat a dick? I know yo' mother raised you better than that, dawg. Matter of fact- (he dials on the phone) Excuse me, is this Mrs. Jenkins?
?"Mrs. Jenkins"
(over phone) Yes it is.
SGSgt. Gudda
My name is Sgt. Gudda. (Thugnificent is now shocked.) I dunno if you aware, but yo' son said some very rude things about me on the radio.
?"Mrs. Jenkins"
(over phone) Yes, I know. He said some very rude things and he's too old to be actin' like dat, and I don't like him usin' that language, either. You know, one time I--
SGSgt. Gudda
(pressing the hold button on the phone) That was yo' mamma, nigga, yo' mamma. (Thugnificent is now furious over this.) Grow yo' old ass up, nigga! I hope you go broke, you fill me? I hope that IRS is on their way over right now to take yo' shit, nigga.
JRJimmy Rebel
These are autographed copies my albums. Coonsville.
JRJimmy Rebel
Welfare Queen and Cadillac King, Help Me, I'm Surrounded By Coons, Don't Let Your Niglets Grow Up To Be Niggers, I Almost NAACP'd Myself, Spooks of Hazard, Black Toads and Ghettos, How 'Bout Those Crack Babies, Nigger, Stay Outta My Wife and Niggers Don't Die, They Just Smell Like One.
[extremely angry] Aw, fuck this shit! Ok, that's enough! Get that redneck son of a bitch outta my house!
[Granddad kicks Jimmy and Ruckus out of the house]
[Rufus Crabmiser, Lady Esmeralda, and George Pissedofferson arrive at the gas station]
Oh hell no! What ya'll want, nigga? Hurry up, I haven't got all day.
RCRufus Crabmiser
We looking for a place called Woodcrest, is this it?
Maybe. Look you want gas or not?
RCRufus Crabmiser
We're looking for a man.
Oh yeah, I guess we are. You looking for the number man or the weed man or the welfare man!
RCRufus Crabmiser
No the man I was looking for is named Freeman, Robert Freeman.
OH HELL NO, I KNEW IT! You relate to Robert Freeman?
[Rufus, Esmeralda, and George look at each other, then back to Ruckus]
RCRufus Crabmiser
So you know him?
Yeah I know him. But Woodcrest don't need no more color. We got our color quota filled. So ya'll get to steppin, get in that piece of shit car, turn it around and head back to the road, crusty the coon.
RCRufus Crabmiser
Why don't you just tell me where Robert is before I put 5 [crack his knuckle with brass knuckle] cross your lips, you big black dummy!
Yeah! Start talking, you one eye fish eyed fool.
GPGeorge Pissedofferson
Hey, we don't have all night. Buffalo Butt.
I ain't scared of decrypted negros, COME ON! [Rufus come toward Uncle Ruckus] NO NO! [All three start attack Ruckus]
CSColonel Stinkmeaner (narrating)
Gimmes dis shit, lil' nigga! It's my story! Now my boy, Lord Rufus Crabmiser [point at the screen], Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty [give the middle finger at viewer], and Mister George Pissedofferson met at the Better Passions Retirement Home. Now we hate each other right away; but we hated everyone else, even more.
[Colonel Stinkmeaner steal Jello from the old lady]
Swiped! [slurp] Jello jacked nigga!
[The Hateocracy laugh]
[The Hateocracy continue laughing while Rufus Crabmiser cough]
[In bingo hall]
[Colonel Stinkmeaner kick the door open and interrupt bingo party]
[everyone gasp]
[The Hateocracy walk toward to the Bingo Host]
Bitch, turn yo ass around and look at your damn card.
Now What the fuck do I win, nigga!
BHBingo Host
A er... subscription to reader digest!
[Colonel Stinkmeaner snatch the subscription filer]
[A old lady walking at the hallway until the Hateocracy riding wheelchair ramming and bumping anyone over and headed to the old lady]
(laugh) MOVE OUT DA WAY, BITCH!
[The Hateocracy ran over a old lady]
[Retirement Owner and staff throw Hateocracy's Bag on the street]
CSColonel Stinkmeaner (narrating)
Eventually; they couldn't take us no more and they kick us the fuck out. My crew roamed the earth whooping niggas asses for a decade. [The Hateocracy grabs the bags and leaves] And then we split up. Colonel H. Stinkmeaner-
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner died years later in a street fight with Robert Freeman from Woodcrest.
BBBushido Brown
That bullshit-ass toilet you bought just broke!
BBBushido Brown
Did I say it won't flush? The hands-free cleaning system won't work! I told you to get the Tushioki 2200 series. You got the 1100 series, and the 1100 series is some bullshit!
Well, they didn't have the 2200 series.
BBBushido Brown
That's your problem. You'd better have a replacement before I have to take a shit again.
Well, what if I can't get the replacement in time?
BBBushido Brown
Hey, I don't care if you wipe it, but Bushido Brown don't wipe his own ass.
(shocked, speechless) Nigga, did you just tell me to wipe your ass?
[Bushido Brown grins smugly at him.]
BBBushido Brown
(shocked) You firing Bushido Brown?
You heard me! You and all these raggedy motherfuckers you brought with you get the fuck on! I'm sick of this shit.
[After Granddad fires Bushido Brown, he and his advisors are packing their belongings and leaving.]
BBBushido Brown
Now you do understand there's no refunds for early termination on our agreement.
Whatever, nigga. Beat it.
[He opens the door to find the Hateocracy standing in his driveway, and gasps in shock upon seeing this.]
(running after Bushido Brown) Wait! I changed my mind!
BBBushido Brown
Too late, old man. Too. Late. Now if you want to hire me again, I might be available.
BBBushido Brown
For double the fee.
Double the fee?! But I've already paid you!
BBBushido Brown
Hey! This ain't a negotiation. Take it or leave it.
RCRufus Crabmiser
If I was you, I'd take it.
(annoyed) Okay, fine, dammit.
[Bushido take his coat and toss at the front door walk toward to Hateocracy, Robert caught his coat]
RCRufus Crabmiser
Ah-ha yes! The Legendary Bushido Brown, the greatest black karate man that ever lived.
BBBushido Brown
That Grandmaster Bushido Brown!
RCRufus Crabmiser
Of course it is.
[Bushido Brown prepare to fight while Esmeralda and George come near him]
Come on, Boy! Come on! I ain't scare of you!
[After Dr. Doomis dropped Lamilton Taeshawn off the roof of the school out of Riley's hands, which caused him to fall to his death...]
DDr. Doomis
He deserved to die.
[looks down from the roof and gasps] He's... gone. [turns to the right and notices Lamilton limping away, still alive] No, wait. He's right there.
DDr. Doomis
He's still alive?! [Lamilton turns around and glares at him] No! No! [jumps off the roof] Aah! [lands on Lamilton as Grandad and Riley, but Huey look away and see Doomis grabbing Lamilton while he tries to escape] You're the spawn of Satan! I must destroy you!
LLamilton
[punches him in the face, releasing him] Get off me! [Doomis grabs him and pins him down] Somebody call my grandmother! You're not supposed to be within 100 yards!
Well, that's that. Let's go home. [He, Huey, and Riley leave the roof]
BBoy
[to Riley] Yo, man. You got a cigarette?
[Riley turns his head with a blank expression]
[episode ends]
(To Riley about the messy living room) Jesus! Boy, look at you. All you do is lay around here and watch TV and eat my food and breathe my air, just as lazy as you can be. Go out and do something.
What am I supposed to do? I ain't got no money!
Well, try getting up off your ass and cleaning up my living room. You lucky President Obama is not here to see this! You're lazy, you need a hobby or something!
Give me an allowance and I'll find a good hobby.
Allowance?! I allow you to live here. I allow you to eat my food! I allow you to burn up my electricity!
I mean a money allowance.
Well, how about this? Trash is starting to stink, and guess what? You're allowed to take it out. Hee-hee-hee.
(voice over) I was a loser. I might as well been dead.
Look, fuck you, fuck the plane you flew in on, fuck them shoes, fuck those socks with the belt on it, fuck your gay-ass fairy faggot accent, fuck them cheap-ass cigars, fuck your yuck-mouth teeth, fuck your hairpiece, fuck your chocolate, fuck Guy Ritchie, fuck Prince William, fuck the Queen. This is America. My president is black and my Lambo is blue, nigga. Now, get the fuck out my hotel room. And if I see you in the street, I'm slapping the shit out of you.
I gon' really let him have it. Show him my stuff. Give that man everything I got.
You said somethin' gay, so you gotta say "no homo" or else you a homo.
You said you was gon' give this dude everything you got. No homo.
That's not gay. I said I was gon' give the man everything I got.
Pause, Granddad. If it sound gay, its gay and you gotta say "no homo". How I know you not a homo, Granddad, if you don't say "no homo"?
I'm not sayin' "no homo".
Okay, you wanna be a homo.
Stop callin' your granddaddy a homo!
I don't wanna say "no homo"! Imma homo yo' ass if you don't stop sayin' pause!
(The Booty Warrior arrive at the house)
DDecoy
Hold on! I'm just got out of shower. There some juice on table.
(Chris Hansen arrive)
CHChris Hansen
You wanna explain to me what you're doing here?
I came looking for booty.
CHChris Hansen
You came looking for sex with an underage boy?
Oh no, I ain't come lookin for no little boys. I ain't got no milk, no cookies, nothing. I came looking for man's butt.
CHChris Hansen
A man's butt? Excuse me?
Oh, I know who you are, Chris Hansen. But see, I likes to calls ya Chris Hansome. I watch your TV show all the time. So you can go ahead and bring in them cameras and them polices waitin for me outside. It don't make me no difference. Now, I'll tell you what: I like ya, and I wantcha. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours.
CHChris Hansen
Well, I don't think you and I will be doing anything any kind of way.
Okay, I-I see you choosin the hard way.
CHChris Hansen
Okay, cut. This isn't working. Someone get this guy-
[The booty warrior lunges at Chris, restraining him bent over the counter.]
Don't make me ruin that butt, Chris!
CHChris Hansen
No! No, please!
[We hear cloth tearing. Suddenly, Chris Hansen screams in agony as we hear the booty warrior grunting.]
When you go to prison, the most important thing in your life is gonna be booty. A man's butt.
IInmate
[From offscreen] Y'all better listen to him.
Booty, gettin' some booty, is more important than food. It's more important than drinkin' water. If I see a man I like, I tell him like this here. [Looks straight at Tom, the camera zooming in on him as eerie music plays] I likes ya.
Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours. What's it gonna be?
IInmate
WHATCHU WANT, TOM?!
I asked you a question, Tom.
IInmate
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, TOM!
[Tom is shaking and sweating by now, visibly nervous]
Ah-ah-ah! Excuse me, I didn't hear you, Tom!
I said I don't wanna answer- I don't wanna- I don't wanna do this anymore!
Sound to me like you want it the hard way!
