The Boondocks quotes

Uncle Ruckus

I wake up about a quarter of five in the A.M. every morning. That's about 12 more hours before most niggas wake up. Heh, heh.

Uncle Ruckus

Now one of the great pleasures of my day is taking these pretty little white children to school in the morning. Hey there, Mister Billy how ya doin?

(rudely past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus) Move outta my way, fat boy!

Uncle Ruckus

I keep the bus nice and clean for them. These kids- oh excuse, 'scuse me. (sees blonde little girl walking towards the school bus). Oh hello Miss Madison.

(rudely walking past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus) Whatever.

Uncle Ruckus

There's my little sunshine. (spots Huey and Riley) Whoa, whoa hold it there! (waving hand-held metal detector around them) Where's the gun huh?

Riley

(indignant) Ay, man!

Uncle Ruckus

Where's the gun, huh? Go on, git, git! Get outta here! Go do your little hifey-fifey dances and nigga monkey shuffle somewhere else! This here bus is for kids with a future!

Uncle Ruckus

(drives the school bus up to Huey and Riley) That's right, that's right, get your lazy asses some exercise! Y'all should just grow up to be rappers, get into a beef and then shoot each other! Ah, ha, ha, ha!

Uncle Ruckus

People say there's no difference between the races. But I tell ya what that I've been cleaning bathrooms for a long time and I can say that white man (Beep) don't smell the same as black African (Beep). See, the white man just got a better liver,white man eats his meat raw. See that's healthier, he calls it tartar. (A white male gets out of a bathroom stall with his pants halfway down) Now how you doin' on this fine day sir? (White male becomes uneasy,stammers and his pants fall down, exposing his boxer shorts) May I say your dookie smells like sparkling ice water with a twist of lime. (White male exits men's room with his pants still halfway down). See? That's why he don't have to wash his hands neither! Yes sir, white man has impeccable hygiene.

I mean, why should Alex Haley be the only person to discover their roots, ya know? (laughs)

Uncle Ruckus

Uh, I'm sorry. Alex what?

Ya know, Alex Haley. Roots.

Uncle Ruckus

Roots? What is that some kinda gardening show?

You're joking, right? Roots, ya know Roots.

Uncle Ruckus

Eh, I don't follow ya.

Roots, Roots, Roots! You never heard of Roots, the mini-series? (to Jazmine) Come here honey. (picks up Jazmine) Hold on. Aaaaaah. (holds up Jazmine to the sky) Roots!

Uncle Ruckus

I dunno nothin' bout' whatchu talkin' about.

B.E.T.

And what does that stand for?

Black Entertainment-(interrupted mid-sentence)

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Black Evil Television. It's not enough that the shows are bad, they have to be evil as well. Send in my evil HENCHMEN! (camera cuts to a tall, large black man bald man dressed in black with a black female dressed in black with an afro and large gold hoop earrings) These are my evil henchmen, Big Nigga and Crazy Bitch. Big Nigga, Crazy Bitch, teach this person the meaning of black and evil. (Male BET employee and Weggie Rudlin collectively gasp in fear)

Oh no dis nigga didn't!

No! Mistress Leevil, PLEASE! (Big Nigga marches up to him and grabs him by his afro) We're making more evil, I promise!! (Big nigga puts him in a chokehold)

Oh HELL no, this mothafucker gonna pay! (takes off her earrings)

Weggie, PLEASE SAVE ME!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

YAAAAAAAA!!! (runs up to Male BET Employee and proceeds to slash him while Weggie looks in horror and then looks away as if he was unaffected amidst Mistress Leevil's maniacal laughter and the blood splattered on her and on the walls of the boardroom)

This Uncle Ruckus show, how's it going?

Is it evil?

Oh, absolutely.

I hope so, Weggie, for your sake. ( calmly wipes off blood splatter from her face). 'Cause if it's not evil then, you know what's gonna happen. By happening I mean killed or at least very seriously injured sooo, so, you know, just make sure it's evil.

Uncle Ruckus

I got somethin' for a fraternity for niggas. A fraternity of bananas up a tree! (barks like a dog, then laughs). Black fraternities should have a name, like boogedy boogedy! Hey, I got a black fraternity for ya, it's called prison! Jail Fi Jail, nigga!

Uncle Ruckus

(sighs) Well,I'm black now. So the first thing I did was quit all my jobs, I dunno how I'm supposed to pay all the bills. Probably have to start selling crack, or rappin' or rappin' 'bout selling crack. Ya know, I probably might not even have re-vitiligo.

Uncle Ruckus

Oh, we probably gonna die any second now from one of these conditions and diseases niggas get. You name it, diabetes, gout, high blood pressure, asthma, sickle cell (Robert interrupts mid-sentence)...

Robert

Oh, Ruckus stop. This is all in your damn head,you the exact same fool you were last week. You were black then,you're black now and you're gonna be black tomorrow.(Ruckus sighs dejectedly) Ain't nothin' wrong with being black and if you give it a chance you might actually like it, Hmmm? Mmm hm?

Robert

Ruckus, what are we doing here?

Uncle Ruckus

Well, this is what niggas do,right? Buy sneakers, then maybe later we'll buy loud stereos and be-rate women in rap lyrics. (looks at a display hi-top sneaker with visible shock absorbers). Is this the shit you niggas wear nowadays? This look like a damn astronaut shoe! I'm black, I'm not walkin' to the moon! I'm walkin' to the liquor store!

Robert

Ruckus, STOP! C'mon man.

Uncle Ruckus

LeeBron James, Allen Iverson,can I get a shoe named after a white man, PLEASE?! (spots a young black male Foot Locker employee) 'Scuse me, darkie in the zebra shirt! Can I get a Bruce Jenner sneaker?

Robert

Man, to hell with this bullshit, you on your own! (walks out of the Foot Locker, leaving Ruckus behind).

Uncle Ruckus

I'm not leavin' here 'till I get me a shoe named after a white man! John Stockton, Pistol Pete Maravich, ANYBODY!

Sho' did!

Nigga, look at Iraq! President over there, killin' black folks,wish they would send me to Iraq. I'd like to tell that motha(Beep)' Bush to kiss my black ass!

Uncle Ruckus

(angrily gets up from his chair) Now, that's enough, that's enough! Time out negroes, time out! I can't sit here and let y'all bad mouth my president. Did any of y'all niggas hear the president when he said Iraq was central to the global war on terror? Or did y'all miss it because he wasn't speakin' in baboon? Rababab rabbaba ba! Instead of sittin' here and choppin' off the brillo off each other's heads,y'all should take your black asses TO Iraq AND HELP FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM!(all the patrons and barbers are stunned and silent)A li'l more off the sides please. (gets kicked out of the barber shop) Damn go-rilla terrorists.

And now, doctor we will now discuss your methods of DNA testing. (laughs evilly)

No, PLEASE! NOOO!

(Beep)! Why does this always happen when we try to use the GODDAMN TORTURE MACHINE?!!Can somebody PLEASE get the power back on so we use the torture machine?!!

WILL SOMEONE PAY THE (Beeping) BILL?!!

Uncle Ruckus

Will you niggas, PLEASE shut the hell up?!! I'm tryin' to watch this piece of (Beep) movie?!!

Uncle Ruckus

Oh, what's the point? What's the point in living if there's nothin' to look forward to but just a life full of rap music and fo'ty ounces? What am I supposed to do now, huh? Be somebody's baby daddy? Hang out on the corner all day and night, shootin' dice, cops chasin' me all the time? My body ain't made to handle a stun gun, ain't got but two or three shows I could identify with.

Ruckus, you make a very compelling argument, but I know that you're gonna get through this.

Uncle Ruckus

Huh, is this what I'm supposed to be readin' now? This? The Vibe, The Source, JET? You call this a magazine? Look at this! This is a pamphlet! Field & Stream, National Review, Soldier of Fortune, THOSE are magazines! This is a brochure! Ebony, they should call this "National Geographic but the photos are better. And Essence?! Essence of what? Essence of ugliness!

Ruckus, we have a saying in BET, we hate black people and I know you share that same sentiment. But I've learned how I could use my blackness against the black race. Look at BET, you think we'd put this shit on the air because it's entertaining? You think we sit down and say, "Hey, let's be entertaining? How about a Baldwin Hills reality show?". I have good taste, Gregory Hines is entertaining, Sammy Davis Jr. he's entertaining. You think I can relate to anything these young niggas have to say? No! We air this shit because we despise our audience! Are there other ways to make money? Yes, of course. Yes, yes. But they all require more work, this is easy. The only people who suffer, the only people who suffer, Ruckus, are black children. I think we both could live with that.

Uncle Ruckus

Weggie Rudlin, you sho' do have profound insights. but I don't know, I just don't think I could stand life as a darkie.

I say, motherfuck America! Motherfuck America's mother! Motherfuck America's daddy! America can eat a dick! America can lick the balls!

What about the Ivory Coast?

Ruckus

ABSOLUTELY NO AFRICA! NO WAY! ALL THEM COUNTRIES GOT NIGGER PRESIDENTS!

Ruckus

Why Lord?!