(after finding out his DNA results came up as him being 102% African with a 2% marginal error)
Uncle Ruckus(sighs) Well,I'm black now. So the first thing I did was quit all my jobs, I dunno how I'm supposed to pay all the bills. Probably have to start selling crack, or rappin' or rappin' 'bout selling crack. Ya know, I probably might not even have re-vitiligo.
(Knocks on The Freeman's door and Huey answers it)
Uncle Ruckus (sighs dejectedly): Okay, I'm black. What am I supposed to do now?
SSanta
Well hello, there. And what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
GGirl
I want- uh, uh... Santa, you got a red dot on your head.
Uncle Ruckus
(diving in slow motion) Nooooooooo!
(Riley fires the gun)
Uncle Ruckus
(he blocks some of the bullets) Ow! Goddamn! That had to pierce a spleen or something.
(Santa uses girl to block bullets and girl screams in pain)
GGirl
Santa, why? You ruined my childhood!
You gonna pay what you owe, Santa! You gonna pay what you owe. Running like a bitch.
Uncle Ruckus
(talking on his radio, panting) Backup. I need backup. I'm fat. I can't run very fast. I think I'm having a heart attack and a couple of light strokes.
(aims carefully at Santa) Merry Christmas nigga. (gun clicks) Damn.
What happened to the movie theater? Y'all should be ashamed! How come when I order a soda-pop, I get an empty cup? I didn't ask for an empty cup! I asked for a soda-pop! And what asshole started puttin' commercials in movies? I could go home and watch commercials on the TV! And the bathroom stinks; clean the fuckin' bathroom! I'm not gonna take it anymore! I paid too much money for these movie tickets to butter my own motherfuckin' popcorn! It's only popcorn!
[Granddad screams loud enough so that the whole movie theatre can hear him.]
Ruckus
When'd you get here?
Ruckus
Well, I've been standin' at the ticket window all day, and I don't remember you buyin' a ticket, Robert Freeman.
Well, I...uh, bought my tickets online...
Ruckus
AHA! A damn lie! I ain't never met a nigga smart enough to operate a personal computer! Not even a Macintosh!
(smiling wickedly while playing video games) I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let that hoe star gaze from outside.
Now Riley, There's never a place for violence in a relationship.
(laughing) There just seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night! She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher!
Uncle Ruckus
(To the side) Probably started out charitable. She took you in and was probably teaching you how to read.
But granddad, she did made Mr. Dubois look like a bitch.
Yeah, we all know she made him look a bitch. But find a different way to say it.
Uncle Ruckus
Next thing you know you're rubbing against that silky white skin...
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got "bitched"!
Humiliated, Castrated, Emasculated...
All right! I get the point.
I mean, I can see if was a real nigga. If you lost your hoe to T.I. I'd be like "Yo, that's T.I." But Usher?! (laughs) You better check that ho Mr. Dubois!
Uncle Ruckus
May white god bless you Robert, I came as fast I could.
So this is the plan, Uncle Ruckus.
Uncle Ruckus
Let's get this party started.
Oh Yeah! You got bad credit, Robert!
Uncle Ruckus
Removing a evil nigga spirits from a negro is harder then removing stank from a huck of shit. We must use these tools that the Great God gave us to fight niggas; a whip, a noose, a nightstick, a branding iron! These things strike fear into a nigga's heart. A job application! Avoid conversation with the nigga. The nigga will lie. The nigga will excuse. He will use words that he don't know, if he get desperate he may started to rap or dance.
You all... testicle, and no shaft. What happen to your shaft, Robert!
Uncle Ruckus
Oh yeah. There powerful evil niggatry at work here.
(Ruckus open and enter Huey and Riley room along with the Freemans)
Uncle Ruckus
Nigga, My name is Reverend Father Uncle Ruckus [No relation]. And the name White Jesus and all the great white man who have come here after. I command the black nigga soul back from the death of hell.
(laughing) Is that all you got, nigga?
Uncle Ruckus
Oh, no, nigga. That's just the tip of this iceberg. (opens the Bible and shoves it in Possessed Tom's face) Read, nigga, read!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (bed begins to levitate)
Uncle Ruckus
First of all, if woman is over 35 years old and she ain't married then she must be as nutty as squirrel shit!
But everything was so right, and by everything else, I mean her looks. She was fine!
Uncle Ruckus
She couldn't look that good, she was black! But I guess if you put lipstick and a wig on a monkey, it could look good too!(chuckles, and says to himself) A monkey in lipstick and a wig...
(Cindy is taunting Riley on the court as she stands dribbling)
CM"Fearsome" Cindy McPhearson
Got 'em.... Got 'em.... Got 'em!!
(Blows past Riley and scores with a layup)
Uncle Ruckus
FOUL, FOUL, keep your hands off that little girl
Come on man, that’s some old bullshit!
'Yo momma so ugly...' No, wait. We can say, 'yo momma so black, when she gets out of the car, the oil light comes on!'
(Huey looks at the opposing sideline, at Cindy's mother -- a very beautiful (and very white) woman)
Huey': I don't think that's going to work.
Uncle Ruckus
Look at that nigga go! Ha Ha!
Oh look you see that nigga flip from tree to tree like on some old Tarzan shit? Wait, wait, wait, bring that back; I need that again!
Uncle Ruckus
I be happy to that for ya. (Scene rewinds and starts up again) Look at that negro go again! Ha Ha!
Uncle Ruckus
What in tarnation is he wearing?
I don't know. Do you think he's...?
Uncle Ruckus
On the train to Faggotsville? Absolutely. No doubt in my mind. I'm so sorry, Robert. A gay grandson, huh? I can't imagine anything worse than that.
Not Riley! Maybe there's another explanation. Maybe this is some kind of crazy sitcom misunderstanding.
Uncle Ruckus
No, wake up! Wake up and smell the gay coffee! All the evidence you could possibly need is right in front of your face. It'll only be a matter of time before that little boy be a grown man bent over a table with his pants 'round his ankles being entered repeatedly by another man. Toot toot! Last train to Faggotsville leavin' in five minutes! Leavin' in five minutes for that chocolate tunnel hole!
Uncle Ruckus
Now one of the great pleasures of my day is taking these pretty little white children to school in the morning. Hey there, Mister Billy how ya doin?
BBilly
(rudely past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus) Move outta my way, fat boy!
Uncle Ruckus
I keep the bus nice and clean for them. These kids- oh excuse, 'scuse me. (sees blonde little girl walking towards the school bus). Oh hello Miss Madison.
MMadison
(rudely walking past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus) Whatever.
Uncle Ruckus
There's my little sunshine. (spots Huey and Riley) Whoa, whoa hold it there! (waving hand-held metal detector around them) Where's the gun huh?
Uncle Ruckus
Where's the gun, huh? Go on, git, git! Get outta here! Go do your little hifey-fifey dances and nigga monkey shuffle somewhere else! This here bus is for kids with a future!
(Huey and Riley angrily walk to school together)
Uncle Ruckus
(drives the school bus up to Huey and Riley) That's right, that's right, get your lazy asses some exercise! Y'all should just grow up to be rappers, get into a beef and then shoot each other! Ah, ha, ha, ha!
(drives past Huey and Riley)
(To Ruckus after finding out he is part-Scottish according to a DNA test)
I mean, why should Alex Haley be the only person to discover their roots, ya know? (laughs)
Uncle Ruckus
Uh, I'm sorry. Alex what?
Ya know, Alex Haley. Roots.
Uncle Ruckus
Roots? What is that some kinda gardening show?
You're joking, right? Roots, ya know Roots.
Uncle Ruckus
Eh, I don't follow ya.
Roots, Roots, Roots! You never heard of Roots, the mini-series? (to Jazmine) Come here honey. (picks up Jazmine) Hold on. Aaaaaah. (holds up Jazmine to the sky) Roots!
Uncle Ruckus
I dunno nothin' bout' whatchu talkin' about.
(while playing checkers with Robert at the park)
Uncle Ruckus
Oh, we probably gonna die any second now from one of these conditions and diseases niggas get. You name it, diabetes, gout, high blood pressure, asthma, sickle cell (Robert interrupts mid-sentence)...
Oh, Ruckus stop. This is all in your damn head,you the exact same fool you were last week. You were black then,you're black now and you're gonna be black tomorrow.(Ruckus sighs dejectedly) Ain't nothin' wrong with being black and if you give it a chance you might actually like it, Hmmm? Mmm hm?
(Cut to Robert and Uncle Ruckus at a Foot Locker)
Ruckus, what are we doing here?
Uncle Ruckus
Well, this is what niggas do,right? Buy sneakers, then maybe later we'll buy loud stereos and be-rate women in rap lyrics. (looks at a display hi-top sneaker with visible shock absorbers). Is this the shit you niggas wear nowadays? This look like a damn astronaut shoe! I'm black, I'm not walkin' to the moon! I'm walkin' to the liquor store!
Uncle Ruckus
LeeBron James, Allen Iverson,can I get a shoe named after a white man, PLEASE?! (spots a young black male Foot Locker employee) 'Scuse me, darkie in the zebra shirt! Can I get a Bruce Jenner sneaker?
Man, to hell with this bullshit, you on your own! (walks out of the Foot Locker, leaving Ruckus behind).
Uncle Ruckus
I'm not leavin' here 'till I get me a shoe named after a white man! John Stockton, Pistol Pete Maravich, ANYBODY!
(cut to the Barbershop)
Barber (while cutting a male client's hair): Now I'm ain't sayin' I like the Democrats, but I don't and they sho' as hell don't know what the (Beep) they doin'. Now the Republicans, now they done (Beeped) the country up to hell!
OSOff-screen patron
Sho' did!
BBarber
Nigga, look at Iraq! President over there, killin' black folks,wish they would send me to Iraq. I'd like to tell that motha(Beep)' Bush to kiss my black ass!
Uncle Ruckus
(angrily gets up from his chair) Now, that's enough, that's enough! Time out negroes, time out! I can't sit here and let y'all bad mouth my president. Did any of y'all niggas hear the president when he said Iraq was central to the global war on terror? Or did y'all miss it because he wasn't speakin' in baboon? Rababab rabbaba ba! Instead of sittin' here and choppin' off the brillo off each other's heads,y'all should take your black asses TO Iraq AND HELP FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM!(all the patrons and barbers are stunned and silent)A li'l more off the sides please. (gets kicked out of the barber shop) Damn go-rilla terrorists.
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
