Penny quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Penny

So did you wind up sending that machine back?

Sheldon

I did. You know, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

Bernadette

[enters the apartment] I finally got Halley to sleep.

You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.

Amy

It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.

Penny

Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

Leonard

We can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

Sheldon

Yeah, all right. Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?

Bernadette

Let's see... You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.

Sheldon

[turns to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies, she's good.

Penny

It's like that science thing. For every action you have a gigantic and annoying reaction.

Leonard

Just when I thought you couldn't get any hotter...

Penny

Are you getting sick?

Sheldon

Of course not! I'm too busy to be sick.

Penny

Well, you're pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn't be pushing yourself so hard.

Sheldon

I'm fine!

Penny

Alright, well, we'll just pretend that you didn't catch a cold watching Frozen.

Sheldon

That didn't happen.

Penny

You also got a nose bleed watching Up.

Sheldon

Do your laundry!

Zack

Penny?

Penny

Oh, Zack, hey!

Zack

What are the odds of running into you here?

Penny

Well, it's a bar, so pretty good.

Amy

[over Skype] I gave you one job! Keep an eye on him. How hard is that?

Penny

We thought you meant not letting him run out into traffic.

Bernadette

Which he only did once.

Amy

Why didn't you tell me?

Bernadette

We didn't want you to worry.

Amy

Should I worry?

Penny

No. Come on, it's Sheldon. Nothing is gonna happen.

Amy

That's what you said to me when I started dating him. And then five years later, bingo-bango, something happened.

Bernadette

Yeah, but you're gonna be back in three months.

Amy

You don't get it. I've been smacking that ketchup bottle for a long time. All she's got to do is tip it over and point it at her fries.

Penny

Well, what do you want us to do?

Amy

I don't know. Might be the New Jersey talking, but this Nowitzki broad needs to disappear.

Bernadette

That's ridiculous. As far as we know, all that happened is two scientists had lunch.

Amy

Yeah, but one of those scientists is a tall, blonde Olympic swimmer.

Penny

Come on, looks don't matter to Sheldon. [pause] Because he only has eyes for you!

Amy

Nice try.

Penny

Thanks, I was scrambling.

Penny

Okay let's try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.

Sheldon

I already do.

Penny

Well, then you get it.

Sheldon

[realizing] Oh! Because there's only one of me, I'm more valuable.

Penny

Right!

Sheldon

Although, Amy's already taken me out of my package and played with me.

Penny

.... Let's forget the toy thing, okay?

Sheldon

Will you marry me? [his phone rings] One moment, please.

Amy

[incredulous] Really? You're gonna answer that right now?

Sheldon

It's Leonard. I don't want to be rude.

Leonard

Hey, where you been? We've been calling you for hours.

Sheldon

Oh, I'm sorry. My phone was on "airplane" mode.

Leonard

Why?

Sheldon

Because I was on an airplane. [gives Amy a "duh" look]

Penny

Hey, where are you?

Sheldon

I came to Princeton to see Amy. It's a funny story, actually. I was having lunch with Dr. Nowitzki, and she kissed me.

Penny

Excuse me?

Leonard

What?

Sheldon

And in that moment, I realized that Amy was the only woman I ever wanted to kiss for the rest of my life. So I came to New Jersey to ask her to marry me.

Howard

It's a date. Just pick one.

Sheldon

It's not just a date, it's a textbook optimization problem. There is a perfect date, just like there's a perfect room temperature and a perfect dessert.

Penny

There's no perfect dessert.

Sheldon

Yellow cake in the shape of a dinosaur with chocolate frosting, scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, not touching. You'll see. You'll have it at our wedding.

Amy

You wanna bet?

Leonard

My mother's texting you?

Penny

Yeah, we've been talking a lot lately.

Leonard

Why? Is she sick of talking to the Magic Mirror on the wall?

Penny

No, I think she's lonely. She's been reaching out.

Leonard

Just be careful. You think you're getting close to her, the next thing you know, you're featured in a book called He's Doing It On Purpose: Raising a Teenage Bedwetter.

Leonard

Ugh. Sheldon's texting me to drive him to Bernadette's.

Penny

Well, what are you gonna say?

Leonard

They did just introduce the middle-finger emoji. If it's not for this, I don't know what it's for.

Penny

No no no, he'll just think that means "Be there in a minute."

Amy

[to Howard] Don't make jokes. He meant a lot to Sheldon.

Leonard

Me, too. I grew up watching his show. He's one of the reasons I became a scientist.

Penny

Aw. I thought you did it just to get girls.

Leonard

Joke's on you. It worked.

Sheldon

I am a respected theoretical physicist. I aspire to win a Nobel Prize someday. But nobody's gonna take me seriously if they find out I've been dabbling in geology.

Penny

Well, why not? They're both sciences. And I know because they're classes my high school counselor said "weren't for me".

Sheldon

They're very different. Physics answers the question "What is the nature of the universe?". Geology answers the question, you know, "What'd I just trip over?".

Penny

All right, well, then don't work with Bert.

Sheldon

Oh, but I like the work.

Penny

Then work with him.

Sheldon

Yeah, but I'm ashamed of the field.

Penny

Then don't work with him.

Sheldon

Yeah, but we could prove dark matter.

Penny

Then work with him.

Sheldon

But I just think that people...

Penny

How many times are you gonna do this?

Sheldon

My record is fourteen.

Amy

Well, if it helps, you all behaved terribly and you deserve what you got.

Sheldon

Well that doesn't help, at all. Sometimes your social skills are very poor.

Howard

I can't believe we let Kripke use us like that.

Penny

You know, maybe you're all more like the guy who didn't invent the electric car, and less like the guy who didn't invent the light bulb.

Leonard

She's right, maybe we're all a bunch of Teslas after all. [Howard and Sheldon smile]

Amy

Didn't Tesla die penniless, forgotten and insane?

Howard

You may have a point about her social skills.

Sheldon

He wasn't insane.

Leonard

He did fall in love with a pigeon.

Sheldon

Well, if we're gonna call Tesla crazy for loving something small and unappealing, we might as well put Penny in a padded cell right now.

Penny

Hey. What are you guys doing?

Uh, we have a bunch of Bitcoin on an old laptop, and it could be worth, like, a lot of money.

Penny

What-- You're kidding.

Leonard

No. We-we could be sitting on a fortune.

Penny

Okay, let the record show, I did not marry you for money, but you just got way more attractive.

Amy

[testing to see how well their friends know them] I was talking to my favorite aunt.

Penny

Aunt Felda right?

Amy

Yeah.

Penny

Did she ever figure what that thing on her knee was?

Amy

Turned out to be a chocolate chip.

Penny

That makes sense, she does love to bake.

Amy

She does, you are a thoroughbred!