Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

[after winning a card game match in a tournament] Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! [he looks at where Wil Wheaton and Stuart are playing their own match] bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay'

Wil Wheaton

Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in Klingon?

Stuart

I believe so.

Wil Wheaton

What is wrong with him?

Stuart

Everyone has a different theory.

Sheldon

Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.

Leonard

I'm sorry?

Sheldon

Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.

Sheldon

Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!"

Howard

Boy, what got him so upset?

Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.

Penny

Come on Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.

Sheldon

I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

Penny

There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.

Sheldon

Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?

Leonard

Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?

Penny

Oh, my God, would you let this go?!

Stuart

[walking by] I'd let it go.

Leonard

Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.

Penny

Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?

Leonard

Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.

Penny

You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?

Sheldon

I want that one.

Penny

Okay, we'll buy you that one.

Leonard

Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

Penny

Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]

Sheldon

Can I get this comic book too?

Penny

[mom-like tone and face] Yes you can. [Sheldon runs off]

Sheldon

The 'Check Engine' light is on; we need to find a service station.

Penny

No, the light's been on since I bought the car.

Sheldon

All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes!

Penny

It's not gonna explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

Sheldon

Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise, he was a science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's 'Check Engine' light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately!

Sheldon

According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. [Holding clipboard] We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury.

Penny

I dislocated my shoulder.

Sheldon

All right, and how did the accident occur?

Penny

You already know that.

Sheldon

[writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

Penny

No.

Sheldon

Kidney disease?

Penny

No.

Sheldon

Migraines?

Penny

Getting one.

Sheldon

Are you currently pregnant?

Penny

No.

Sheldon

Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.

Penny

Change migraine to 'yes'.

Sheldon

When was your last menstrual period?

Penny

Oh- Next question!

Sheldon

I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.

Penny

Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?

Sheldon

[Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.

Penny

Ass!

Sheldon

Possible Tourettes.

Sheldon

Why are you crying?

Penny

Because I'm stupid.

Sheldon

Well, that's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Sheldon

It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer

Sheldon

Yes Penny.

Penny

Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?"

Sheldon

This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

Penny

2,600 years?

Sheldon

Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?

Penny

I have to go to the bathroom.

Sheldon

Can't you hold it?

Penny

Not for 2,600 years...

Sheldon

Alright go then.

Sheldon

[voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.

Penny

Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.

Bernadette

Why not?

Leonard

That's where Sheldon sits.

Bernadette

He can't sit somewhere else?

Penny

Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.

Sheldon

Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

Sheldon

I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.

Leonard

When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.

Sheldon

Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat--a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

Leonard

(singing) Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

[after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling across my chest.

Penny

That'll be the Del Taco.

Sheldon

Why is Leonard softly banging his head on his bedroom door?

Speaking of warm feelings, come here! (kisses Sheldon square on the lips) Nah, I'd rather have the busboy.

Okay, let's check out the females.

Sheldon

Alright, there's a female.

That's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old!

Sheldon

But she's female, isn't that the game?

No, I'm looking for a hookup.

Sheldon

Oh. So the point of this exercise is to find someone for you to copulate with.

Sheldon

And what is my function as wingman?

You help me run my game.

Sheldon

Alright, and what is your game?

When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.

Hey that's pretty cool, what is it?

Sheldon

It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.

[laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.

Sheldon

I'm Sheldon.

How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.

Hey Raj, where are you from?

The mysterious, sub-continent of India.

Ooh, India.

You know India?

I saw Slumdog Millionaire.

Well I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.

Sheldon

I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]

Hey Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.

Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?

Sheldon

In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]

Oh, that is so awesome.

Sheldon

Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?

Leonard

What are we supposed to do now?

Sheldon

The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.

Sheldon

Oh Lord, they re-did the menu.

Leonard

So what, it's the same food.

Sheldon

Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.

So?

Sheldon

Yes General Tso.

Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?

Sheldon

So? Did the chef loose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?

Leonard

It's obviously a typo.

Sheldon

Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.

No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.

Howard

It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!

Leonard

Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?

Sheldon

Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.

Howard

Sure, no mobsters there.

Sheldon

The more I think of it, mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain actual mobsters.

Leonard

[impatient] Why not?

Sheldon

It's listed under seafood.

Howard

Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?

Sheldon

Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.

Bernadette

With marbles?

Sheldon

I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?

Bernadette

Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?

Sheldon

I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.

Penny

[aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?

Leonard

No, that's a crazy thing.

Bernadette

[making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?

Sheldon

[looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.

Bernadette

Which leads to…?

Sheldon

Impaired cognitive function.

Bernadette

Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!

Sheldon

[in a childish manner] …But I don't wanna go to bed.

Bernadette

[firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One…

Sheldon

[exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]

Leonard

[shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.

Bernadette

I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.