Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Stuart

Is it me or has no one been in the store for hours?

Denise

Yeah, it’s weirdly quiet. Nobody’s in the street.

Stuart

Huh, that’s strange.

Denise

You thinking what I’m thinking?

Stuart

They cut that meteorite open and unleashed a space plague.

Denise

Exactly.

Stuart

Let me just lock up here.

Denise

Okay, so what do we do?

Stuart

Uh, well, if this is a worst case scenario and we’re the last two people alive we’re gonna have to rebuild civilization.

Denise

Do you have any special skills?

Stuart

I can draw. How about you?

Denise

I can play clarinet.

Stuart

I didn’t know that.

Denise

Yeah. Ten years. Ah.

Stuart

You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the earth.

Denise

I’m okay with that.

Stuart

So shall we?

Denise

Wait here. I’m gonna brush my teeth.

Stuart

[Sheldon shows up] We’re closed.

Sheldon

This is going on Yelp.

Hello.

Sheldon

Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.

You can call me Bill.

Sheldon

Ooh, can I call you Captain?

No.

Sheldon

Please?

No.

Sheldon

[whispering] Please?

Sure.

Sheldon

And will you call me Science Officer Cooper?

This has got to stop.

Sheldon

I think you know how to make it stop.

[handshake] Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.

Sheldon

I'm sorry. I know you're upset and I don't know how to make it better.

Amy

I don't know how you can either, I mean, I don't know if anybody can. I just... I feel like I'm letting everybody down.

Sheldon

I'm about to hold you. Would you like to smell my hand first?

Amy

I'm fine. [They embrace.] [Sigh] Thank you.

Sheldon

[singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Amy

That helps.

Sheldon

Shh, I'm singing.

Amy

Oh.

Sheldon

[singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...

Sheldon

He is a textbook satisficer.

Leonard

That's not even a word.

Sheldon

Uh, yes it is. According to Nobel Prize winning economist Herbert Simon, satisficing is the decision-making strategy whereby a person accepts wherever available option is satisfactory rather than seeking out the action that would make him happiest, as I just did when I explained what satisficing is.

Amy

We won.

Penny

Congratulations!

Leonard

Oh, my god!

Sheldon

We did it.

Amy

I know. Can you believe it?

Sheldon

That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming? [Leonard slaps him hard and everyone gasps] We won the Nobel Prize!

Sheldon

You know, when you think about it, now that we're Nobel Prize winners, our names will be linked together forever.

Amy

We're married. Our names are already linked together forever.

Sheldon

Oh please, that's just a piece of paper. This is a piece of paper and a medal.

Penny

Hey, what's going on?

Sheldon

[covering his mouth] Unclean! Unclean!

Penny

What?

Leonard

He thinks you're sick.

Penny

Oh. Should we tell him?

Leonard

Well, if we don't, he might try and jump out of the plane.

Penny

Yeah. Doesn't answer my question.

Sheldon

Tell me what?

Penny

I'm pregnant, Sheldon.

Sheldon

You're right, I can't catch that.

Sheldon

I have a very long and somewhat self-centered speech here. But I'd like to set it aside. Because this honor doesn't just belong to me. I wouldn't be up here if it weren't for some very important people in my life. Beginning with my mother, father, meemaw, brother, and sister. And my other family, who I'm so happy to have here with us. Is that Buffy the Vampire Slayer? [ Sarah Michelle Gellar, sitting next to Raj, waves] I was under a misapprehension that my accomplishments were mine alone. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have been encouraged, sustained, inspired, and tolerated not only by my wife, but by the greatest group of friends anyone ever had. I'd like to ask them to stand. [Each standing when named] Dr. Rajesh Koothrapali. Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz. Astronaut Howard Wolowitz. And my two dearest friends in the world, Penny Hofstadter and Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I was there the moment Leonard and Penny met. He said to me that their babies would be smart and beautiful. And now that they're expecting, I have no doubt that that will be the case.

Penny

[through tears] Thanks, Sheldon. I haven't told my parents yet, but thanks.

Sheldon

Oh, I'm sorry. Don't tell anyone that last thing. That's a secret. [pause] Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Penny, Leonard, I apologize if I haven't been the friend you deserve. But I want you to know, in my way, I love you all. [Turns to Amy] And I love you. Thank you.