AVGN quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.

Oh shit.

You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.

Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, "Suck my cock."

TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!

What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? (wrong answer sound effect plays)

Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?

Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, "Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!" But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. (Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs) Damn! She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! (imitating Thresher) Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! (Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.) WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!?

Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! (inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster) Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.

[Laughs mischievously] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got (speaks gibberish).

I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

And here we have Punch-Out!! with "Iron Mike" Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!

You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in Mega Man 5 while having been hindered by a glitch] And that was a great moment in Nerd history.

That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!

I should get a gold medal.

Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!

No...

(As the in-game announcer repeats "Next up is a fight...")Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. (The Nerd resets his PS2, and the in-game combatants show up this time.) Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.

Eh, fuck you. It's working now. (Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.) What was that!?

I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! (The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.) Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!

Wow, I've never seen a game this fucked up. (He takes out the Rocky disc to clean it.)

(his reflection appears in the disc) Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. (The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.) In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!

What happened to his mouth!?

His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! (He sinks into the floor, again.)

They're like zombies! What is this, "Rocky: The Undead Edition"? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.

Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! (The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)

It's a Clubber-fuck!

Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.

Awesome!

Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, "Let there be shit." And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.

Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!

I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

A-B-B-A.

[groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.

Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.

Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?

Yeah, a shitty game. Ikari Warriors.

Yeah, I know that game.

Oh yeah?

Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.

Uh huh.

Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.

Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.

You thought wrong.

Yeah, [to camera] I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?

Fine.

Alright. Let's do this. Play the song.

Play the song. [Kyle clears his throat] Play the fucking song! [Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]

Okay, Ikari Warriors. You know what "Ikari" means?

What?

Anger.

Do you know what "Warrior" means?

"Warrior"? No.

Brave soldier or fighter?

Brave soldier or fighter.

So who is this guy? Rambo?

Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Which movie?

Commando.

That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be "Rambo and Commando'". Say that three times fast.

Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.

I'm trying!

...you're really stuck. (Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)

Just kill me.

I'm...I'm trying!

No, kill me for real.

Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. (The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.) Alright. We're back in business now. (The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move) Oh, shit, you respawned inside another rock!

I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out!

(turns to where Kyle was sitting) A-B-B-A!

Aw fuck!

You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.

Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!

Yeah, made it to Level 3. And finally it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks so different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into The Twilight Zone. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.

[singing] White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. [stops singing] Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but the one with the gremlin on the wing was pretty good.

[singing] It's the game of life.

A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!

[singing] It will save you today...

It didn't save me now!

[singing] and bring you back to life...

Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.

...didn't save him today...

Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. [puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster] Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book How to Win at Nintendo. Nowcheck out this code: "right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select." [pauses incredulously] WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long? And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!

(after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To really find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, "Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies". Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is during the title screen, not before it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)

(singing) Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.

So here we are, back in level 3.

Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?

(singing) Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.