AVGN quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

(criticizing the inferior animatronics) Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!

Have patience, my son.

What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

(while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in Spider-Man 2 on Game Boy Advance) I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.

I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.

(raises middle finger to AVGN) I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!

What have you got here?

Bunch of shit.

I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. (Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge) How much is this one right here?

A hundred.

A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?

No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?

I - I'll take it for 50.

..It's a hundred.

It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?

I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my drawers right now!

This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.

That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.

Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface) You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!

Hey, hey! Settle down.

I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-

Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? (knocks the Nerd out with his banjo) Batter-up, bitch boy! (starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings) Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!

(hits himself on the head) I ain't seeing this!

Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?

Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.

But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!

(Extends his middle finger) You see this?

I do see it.

...But you're not looking at it.

But I see it.

...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?

Well, to take you back to the past!

To play the shitty games that suck ass? No thanks.

This is your past, Nerd!

You remember the excitement?

Who are you?

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.

Well what do you want?

I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember Metroid? Zelda? Mario? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?

Talking to you?

No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. (AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)

Shaq Fu. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there.

All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.

Huh! Huh!

Huh! It should be a dance. (Pretends he's whipping) Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

(Playing Bram Stoker's Dracula on Sega CD) I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.

(Screams)

(Mimics scream) What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from Bill & Ted.

(Screams)

This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] Mary Shelley's Frankenstein on Super Nintendo. Game, good.

Good.

[chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

(discussing the boss battles) When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.

You've killed me!

Good!

(horrified face) "Good!" (laughs) "You killed me!" "Good!" (laughs insanely, then starts saying "FUCK!" in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock) Gotta calm down. (drinks it, then resumes playing) Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.

YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!

He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! (swings the sword at the gong above Zelda) Oh, I get it.

I just saved you from Ganon! I won!

Nothing short of poetry.

(playing Pyramid Pursuit on Moses: The Exodus for CD-i) The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.

(in monotone) I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.

What is it, a robot?

(the green face from Cybermorph appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off) Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?

(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope) Where'd you learn to be an asshole?!

(talking about the name-the-United-State game) I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there (below the 48 consecutive states). Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?

(raspberry)

The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the arcade by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.

X-Men, welcome to die!

Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: "Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?"