The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

Well, let me be honest with you about this one. Ooh, boy. I hate this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. Karate Kid is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: "I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it." So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of fuck will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.

The Nerd

(dies in a pit) I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.

The Nerd

Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. [spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]

The Nerd

(on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. (reading the on-screen directions) "Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!" I'm hitting up.

The Nerd

ASSSS! FUUUUCK!

The Nerd

Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game "Boo! Haunted House!" Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait, make it about Freddy. We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street." And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for "Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts."

The Nerd

Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! [zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]

The Nerd

I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean bad. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? [grabs the regular NES controller] Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, [flashes middle finger] one fuckin' complaint about this glove; It doesn't work. Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!

The Nerd

[Plays Jackal and reads the opening screen's text] "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!" "Good luck" is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.

The Nerd

[plays Rad Racer with the Power Glove] You know what's really cool about Rad Racer? That if you push "Select"... [pushes "Select"] ...the game goes 3D. I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.

The Nerd

Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit. [in-game, "TO LANDING SEQUENCE"] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. [he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]

The Nerd

If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with a fistful of shit. [pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]

The Nerd

Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. [holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!" Game Over Theme]

The Nerd

(sighs) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out) SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', "Well that's your opinion." Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called Ninja Turtles III is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is BAD. Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the Turtles trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! (punches the tape)

The Nerd

"Why was there no subtitle in the movie?" They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

The Nerd

[on Walker's death scene] Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.

The Nerd

Did you see that? Here it goes again.

The Nerd

There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.

The Nerd

See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?