Okay, let's rank all the Doom ports. Graphics. I'd say the best is PlayStation and the worst is Super Nintendo. Music. I'd say the best is 3DO, and the worst is Jaguar because there is none. Control. The best is PlayStation and the worst is 3DO. If I were to give them names, I'd call them Poor Man's Doom, Silent Doom, Mosaic Doom, Almost Doom, Cow's Anus Doom and Diluted Diarrhea Doom. They all have their pros and cons. This is like a pick your poison situation. And no, I didn't forget about Doom 64 because that's a completely different game. I'd call this one Blind Doom because it's so dark you can't see shit. If only it was the 64th version of Doom.
Wait. What about Doom on Game Boy Advance?
(The Game Boy Advance version of Doom lands on the Nerd.)
Really? Doom on a handheld console? (scoffs) Do we really have to scrub Actually, this is half-decent for a handheld console. The resolution's similar to Super Nintendo, but it's brighter and easier to see what you're doing. It controls fine. The music and sound are good. Not as good as the PC obviously. For a portable version of Doom on Game Boy Advance, it's not bad. Okay, there can't be anymore of these. I'm done now, right?
Just hang in there, there's a few more.
(The ZX Spectrum version of Doom lands on the Nerd.)
Doom on the ZX Spectrum?! Why would they port Doom on the ZX Spectrum? Why even bother? The graphics are what you'd expect and the controls are so bad it's almost non-functional!
(The scene cuts to the NES port of Doom while the 8-bit version of At Doom's Gate plays.)
Now you're really pulling my leg. Doom on NES? There's no way! Look at it! It's total garbage! At least it works with the NES Zapper. That's good, I guess. Doom on Game Boy? No. No! (groans) This is below the bottom of the toilet! We're all the way into the sewage plan at this point. Doom on Virtual Boy?! You know, I thought this would be a cool idea to experience Doom in virtual reality, but this is way too soon! Not ready yet! Ugh. Man, at least the blood is red, it's because everything's red! Doom on Atari 2600? Yes, somebody actually made this. Doom on Vectrex? Somebody actually got this to run? Oh, that's it. I can't take it anymore. No more Doom. (Doom on Tiger handheld console lands on the Nerd) No. It can't be. Doom on Tiger Electronic Handheld! (laughs) This is fucked beyond belief! This is below human standards! This game is filth! This game puts the die in diarrhea! Who wants to play Doom on a Tiger handheld console? It can't get any worse. Oh, God! It's worse! Doom on R-Zone! Doom on a wristwatch? Doom on a flip phone? Doom on a calculator? That's right, Doom on a calculator. The crazy thing is you think I'm making this up. It's actually real! I am playing Doom on a calculator.
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