The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

This game shoots diarrhea it its festering blowhole, raining down on the aquatic ass masters of the Asslantic Ocean! I swear on Poseidon's puckered pisshole that this game makes me wanna cram a crusty crab up my cornhole! Ecco the Dolphin? More like... Fucking Shit Dolphin!

The Nerd

You're gonna kill me? Because I don't like Shrek? It's a shitty 20-year-old movie! You people are crazy! I don't believe any of this!

The Nerd

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!?!?! It's worse than the NES version! It might even be worse than Wizard of Oz or Hong Kong 97! This might be the worst fucking Super Nintendo game I ever played! It just started, and I can't even figure out what to do! This seems like a deliberate attempt to waste the player's time as much as possible. And not just to waste your time, but the straight up to insult you. You expected to get The Rocketeer. Jetpack flying, hand to hand combat, gunplay, action and adventure. But no, instead, you're immediately forced to go to an endless circle like a dog chasing a turd stuck to its anus. I'm pushing down the speed button, but I keep losing the race and bumping into the fucking towers!

The Nerd

[after he failed to win the Super Nintendo version of The Rocketeer] I feel bad for anyone who played this. Imagine the kids who got this from Toys R Us thinking, "Yay! The Rocketeer!" Only to get this poor lousy steaming pile of garbage! Let's take care of these games the right way. Let's strap these fuckers to two bottles of Rolling Rock which I turned it into the Rocket Beer. Now, let's literally watch it go. [opens two bottles of Rolling Rock as the Rocket Beer flies and crashes into the Hollywoodland sign]

The Nerd

How can I do this? How can I live up to the massive duty that has fallen upon me? My destiny has emerged and the ultimate reckoning has drawn near! I must not fail. I must look the demon in the face! (the devil shows up) Not you, you piece of shit! I'm talking this. (picks up the document) This piece of paper is what will propel me into my final encounter with my arch nemesis! The unholy of asses, the shit from the pit, the nightmare in six colors, the rainbow of death, the Laughing Joking Numbnuts, L... J... N!

The Nerd

I'm about to embark on a mission to come to terms with LJN once and for all. As you can see here on my wall of LJN kills, I've already eliminated several of these foul, catastrophic fuck nuggets. But now's the time to take care of the rest, and this document here was sent to me from LJN. They're still around? Well, not exactly. It's complicated. So, before I tell you what's at stake here, let's go into a little background.

The Nerd

First of all, who are and who were LJN? We all know their distinct brand of games the same way you recognize the specific smell of your dog's farts. You take one ghastly whiff, and you know exactly where it came from. From your dog's anus. But LJN was like the master of disguise. As a kid, when I rented these games from the video store say Back to the Future or Roger Rabbit, nothing seemed immediately wrong. The graphics usually seemed nice, and they all had a playability factor. But the further you go, the worst it would get. Like in the final stage of Back to the Future when you're driving the DeLorean, if you lose, you start back at the beginning of the game! No matter how many continues you have! What bullshit! The NES library had plenty worst games by other publishers, so LJN was definitely not the bottom of the turd totem pole. But that made their crimes even more detestable because they tricked you into thinking the games were good. Especially when so many of them were based on well-known franchises. With other shitty games, you wouldn't waste as much of your time. You realize it's shitty right away right away and turn it off. But LJN had that sneaky style to rope you in. But even though they had a distinct brand, their games were actually made by several different development companies, so LJN was only a publisher. In a sense, they were the colon and the developers were the anus. The companies, just to name a few, were Beam Software, Atlus, and the one that developed perhaps the worst one, Bill & Ted, was called Rocket Science. Wow, damn, I'm glad they didn't actually go into rocket science. The one that's the most shocking to know of is Rare who made Beetlejuice, Nightmare on Elm Street, and a few others. They're probably better known for non-LJN games like Battletoads, and would eventually have a partnership with Nintendo on Killer Instinct and Donkey Kong Country. I would have never guessed such awesome games came from a company that had anything to do with LJN! So even though LJN was the publisher, their games are still called "LJN games" in the same way that the 2014 Ninja Turtles movie was called "A Michael Bay Movie", even though he produced it and did not direct. But to answer the question who exactly were LJN, we'd have to trace it all the way back to its founder, a guy named Jack Friedman. He started LJN as a toy company in 1970, and I've heard he named it after his employer, Norman J. Lewis, reversing his initials to LJN. That was until it officially became Laughing Joking Numbnuts. At first, LJN only made toys, before branching into video games. In the 80's, I remember playing these toys, like the wrestling figures. So, I had nothing but positive memories there. Guess they should've stuck with toys. So anyway, in '85, MCA bought LJN, but then in '90 sold it to Acclaim, who in '95, dissolved LJN even though they used the name once again in 2000. As for Jack Friedman, in '90, he formed Toy Headquarters (THQ), eventually leaving and forming Jakks Pacific. And sad to say, Jack passed away in 2010. Rest in peace.

The Nerd

(on Terminator 2 Arcade on Game Boy) Oh, but they also made the Game Boy version of Terminator 2 arcade, which I said very little, but that's because there's nothing to say. Look at it! (the gameplay footage is shown) If I heard that, I'd think it was an Atari game. What's the point of taking an arcade and watering it down to Game Boy? I guess you can take it on the school bus, to the mall, to the arcade. Then there's Beetlejuice on NES.

The Nerd

(on Beetlejuice on Game Boy) But I didn't talk about Beetlejuice on Game Boy based on the cartoon. Uh-oh, the ghost got in the washing machine! They're fucking shit up! Gotta fight the clothes and the sheet ghost! Which is, um, a sheet with a ghost inside? So that's the main goal. You have to fight all the ghosts, which is the opposite of what Beetlejuice normally does. Doesn't he haunt a house? Not un-haunt it? What's next, are the Ghostbusters the ones letting the ghosts in? There's a bunch of crappy minigames. Here the idea is, who can make the freakiest face? By tapping directions on the D-pad. That’s a new one. Then there’s a game where you connect pipes. Wow, does this look like fun? No, it isn't. Even Mario and Luigi, who were plumbers, never had to bother with this type of shit! But the worst, is the stairs. At random, they'll flatten, and send you sliding back down! Motherfuckers. And it keeps happening, over and over, with no pattern or predictability! (Beetlejuice dies from an enemy) Agh! You fuck!

The Nerd

(on Bill & Ted's Excellent Game Boy Adventure) But if you want more fun, you should try out Bill & Ted on Game Boy! Even though I'm trying to be sarcastic, it actually is more fun. Though very basic. It’s sort of an old school arcade style thing, where you just go around collecting orbs and dodging a bunch of Abe Lincolns. There’s almost nothing to say, but in this case, that's a good thing. Because this is such a sharp contrast to the NES version. I can’t think of any other example where a Game Boy version is far superior!

The Nerd

LJN even made games based on movies you might not remember like Warlock. The graphics and animation are pretty nice. The gameplay is basic enough. Run to the right, blast everything in sight. It’s fine for a bit until you realize how resilient these enemies are. Stay down ya zombie fuck! STAY DOWN! Then you run into these archers. Die you fuck bugger! And every time you get hit, you get knocked back half a screen. (he struggles to defeat an archer) Look how long it takes to beat this guy! Die! DIE! DIE! Oh my God, when are they gonna die?! WHEN ARE THEY GONNA DIE?! Oh, my God! Then these gargoyles keep coming at me and they take just as long to kill. Every enemy is like a mini boss battle! The control is clumsy; you can't attack and move at the same time. When you die, it sends you back to the title screen. Instead of simply continuing, you have to go to "Preparations", that brings up a menu with the password option. You enter the password, and then you wait through a cut scene with a book. And being a magic wizard and all, I can't see how water kills you. And it’s not clear how I'm supposed to make this jump, anyway. Hey. I got a magic trick. (The Nerd covers his right fist with a piece of paper towel. When he takes off the paper towel, he reveals he was holding a middle finger)

The Nerd

LJN even made a game based on the '95 swashbuckling adventure, Cutthroat Island, which, according to the Guinness World Records, as of 2012, was the biggest box-office failure of all time. Oh, and then add the LJN logo, it's the perfect storm. So the first level is... okay. It's just a dumb beat 'em up game with cartoonish graphics. The animation is good. There's a variety of sword swipes and rolls you can perform. It's not bad, really... until you get to the next level. Now you're in a wooden cart ramming into enemies. You just mow them all down. Seems simple enough, but if you hit a rock or a tree, you die instantly. There's no death animation, it just fades to black and restarts the stage, so if you blink, you might not even notice what happened. Like when I hit this guy, I had no idea how I lost, but it turns out, you need to avoid him! But how the hell was I supposed to know that? You run over everyone else; why not him?!

The Nerd

Once again, the mission here is to sample every LJN game. I've already taken care of the movie-based games, but now, let's get into the sports games, which is a little bit of a problem for me because I don't know anything about basketball, or baseball, or... football.

The Nerd

I wanna know that shit! Somebody's weight changes, buy it again. Somebody changes team, buy it again. Somebody's score changes, buy it again! NEW PAINT ON THE COURT, BUY IT AGAIN: AAAAH!!!!! SPORTS!!!!! (chugs down a can of Rolling Rock)

The Nerd

Now it's time for motherfucking football with just plain ass NFL. Not as blunt on Football on Atari, but simple, just the same. No Madden, no year, none of that shit. As natural as a nature trail. Undiluted, genuine, uncontaminated, straighter to the point than the co-nose of a fresh expelled cat turd! Not named after the amount of yards, the field is, or the length it takes for your dog to walk to take a shit! Not named after the TV channel, or a college, or the type of skin on the ball! No Montana, Colorado, ESPN, ES go fuck yourself! JUST PLAIN ASS PERFECTION! (slams fist on futon) AS UNDISPUTABLE AS DEATH! THREE LETTERS! UP YOUR ASS! N! F! L! (furiously throws the NFL NES cartridge into the NES)