[Donna is preparing to broadcast from Grooves]
You guys, the radio station asked me to host an on-air fundraiser for the Children's Library. A year ago I was doing the Farm Report and now it's gonna be Hot Donna all day long. That right. I'm gonna be referring to myself in the third person from now on.
Wait. You're not doing the Farm Report anymore? [makes hillbilly accent] Well how am I supposed to know if my corns-a-gonna grow?
And I told my boss, that I'm not getting off the air until I've raised 500 bucks. Which'll be easy, cause my fans do anything I say. Like, there was this one time, when I told everybody to get up and dance when I played Tear The Roof Off The Sucker. There was almost a riot at the prison!
Jackie[sarcastic] Yeah. Thanks a lot Donna. My Dad had to hide under his bunk.
[Kitty and Jackie go to Christine St George's station to drop off a package she forgot at Fez's salon]
Jackie
Hiiii, uh, I'm here to see Christine St. George.
RReceptionist
Do you have an appointment?
Jackie
No, but I am her biggest fan and I would love to be her co-anchor.
RReceptionist
Okay, have a seat and a psychiatrist will be right with you.
Oh please Miss, couldn't you just let us in for two minutes?
RReceptionist
I got a better idea. How about if I let you in for no minutes?
Jackie
Please? Please could you let us in? I know I have what it takes to be on TV and I just need to demonstrate my talents to Christine.
Oh and I just want an autograph. Or a souvenir. Ahaha! She made cheesecake on yesterday's show, is that around?
RReceptionist
You really want to get in huh? Okay, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
RReceptionist
You got it!
Ohhh! [claps hands and jumps for joy]
Jackie
So does that mean that we can go in?!
RReceptionist
No. That's the number of cops I'm gonna call if you don't beat it.
Jackie
But..I'm supposed to be her co-anchor!
RReceptionist
And I'm supposed to be Brooke Shields. Ain't life a bitch?
[Fez is nursing a face wound Caroline gave to him after she sees Jackie kiss him]
Jackie, what was that kiss all about?
Jackie
Fez it's something that I wanted to do for a really long time. And I was wondering..you know, hoping, that maybe you and I could be together.
Jackie
Yeah. I mean Fez, my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.
Well. So you want me because you're lonely? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort?
Jackie
No Fez. You're wrong, it's not...
You know what Jackie, forget it. You went to be with Kelso AND Hyde. I don't wanna be your sloppy thirds. [Jackie goes to her room]
[Jackie's been taking revenge on Fez for turning her down, and he has planned a counterstrike in their apartment's shower]
Fez, if this is the ex-lax prank, I'd rather hear about it then see it.
No it's better. And she's turning the shower off.. she's getting out...look at herself in the mirror and... [Jackie screams, goes out of the shower with her hair dyed green]
Jackie
FEZ!
Jackie
Fez, you completely ruined my hair!
Jackie
I had every right to destroy your car, you turned me down!
You turned me down like a million times and I never did anything!
Actually I remember a lot of crying.
Yes I cried, because I have feelings, unlike you Jackie.
Jackie
Oh, huhuh. I have feelings. And they told me to buy a bottle of spray paint and tell the whole world that you have a tiny-
IT'S NORMAL SIZED! Well you know what, I'm glad I turned you down, because you are a mean, bitter girl. And now, you're ugly on the outside like you are ugly on the inside.
Holy crap man, cover your nipples!
Jackie
I can't believe that's what you really think of me.
Jackie
Fine. I'll just go pack up my things and get out of your life. [returns to her room]
Damn man, that was harsh.
Yeah. Must have been my Jamaican fire.
So...you're from Jamaica?
No, Jamaican Fire. It's my new cologne.
[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]
Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?
I start college next week.
[long pause] So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?
Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long–
[tearfully] Eric, things are a lot different now.
Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Donna, I'm sorry. [kisses Donna] So, uh... sounds like there's a party going on in there.
Yeah, there is. Your mom's, like, really drunk.
Oh, okay... Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready for all that. I wish there was just some way to take the edge off...
[Cut to the final circle in the Formans' basement]
Edge, you are officially off.
Eric, I have the most incredible news. I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart!
Yeah, Fez, I have some incredible news, too. So has everyone else.
I think it makes total sense that Fez ended up with Jackie. She started out with me, the Ferrari. And then, she went to Hyde, the Mustang. And now, she's with Fez, who's like a... donkey pulling a cart full of brightly colored, Mexican blankets.
Oh, hey, Kelso. I almost forgot. I got you something from Africa for your daughter. [holds up...] Check it out! A genuine... plastic rhino horn.
This is awesome! [holds rhino horn over his forehead] Look, guys, I'm a rhino! Ruff, ruff!
Guys, I think it's time we honor all the brain cells that survived the '70s. Despite our best efforts, some of those bastards pulled through. Tonight... they're going down.
Die, brain cells, die! And you're next, liver. [takes a sip of beer]
Hey... Did you guys hear about that car that runs on water? It's got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine, and it runs on water, man!
It's like we never run out of things to talk about down here.
[Donna and Jackie enter the basement]
Jackie
I knew you burnouts would be down here.
You guys, it's almost midnight. Mrs. Forman's pouring the champagne!
Hey, guys. Last one upstairs... has to call Red a dumbass!
[The gang rushes upstairs. Hyde grabs Kelso and makes him the last left behind.]
Oh, man. [wears the "Stupid Helmet" and goes upstairs]
AAll
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
[The license plate at the end of the closing credits finally switches from '79 to '80]
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
