Michael Cole quotes from Survivor Series

Vince, I'm gonna put you on the hot seat now—who's gonna win?

I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, if DX remain on the same page tonight, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that John Cena will lose the WWE Championship.

Well, the question is, which one of these great superstars will win, be victorious here tonight? I mean, this is...you guys will have to agree with this, I mean, is it gonna be Shawn or is it gonna be Triple H?

Well, the last time the WWE title changed hands in this city was 2000 and that match featured, the Game, Triple H.

Sweet Chin Music!

What in the world?!

Ohhhh!

Shawn Michaels...

I told you, King, I told you!

What the-

I told you!

Look at the look on Cena's face!

Ha-ha-ha!

What?!

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is vintage Shawn Michaels!

I love it!

Shawn Michaels has made a career about being in the center of the storm, and he did it, again!

What?!

Let's go, here we go now! Come on!

...what?! I can't - did that just happen?!

Well, of course, coming out to his nerd music...

That's "Ride of the Valkyries", that's a great song.

Yeah, from Apocalypse Now, and every time that Daniel Bryan comes out, that's what it is out here. Nonetheless, Daniel Bryan would know nothing about the way Maryse would dress, that wonderful Versace dress and Prada jacket. How gorgeous does Maryse look here tonight at Survivor Series?

Oh, she's always very, very beautiful...as most...

Arm candy?

...gold diggers are.

Well, Daniel Bryan said he was honored...

Wait a minute, how can you say Maryse is a gold digger?

Let me ask you, if you think—Matt, you can probably vouch for this. You said you would love to take her shopping; you used to be a teacher—what if you still made a teacher's salary? You think she would still be around...

He still does!

I would take out a loan and mortgage my house.

Trust me, Maryse would not be hanging around with somebody that is a regular joe out the street.

Michael, let me shift to you. Daniel Bryan said he was honored to have Hall-of-Famer Jim Ross call his match this past year on "Old School" Raw.

How did that work out?

Sorry to interrupt, because we all know how much I respect Daniel Bryan, but I have something to say.

Oh, you can't turn the lights out on the Miz, he needs a spotlight!

[as the lights come back on] That's better. I am a proud citizen of Cleveland, Ohio. [The Miami crowd boos] And it's fitting that I'm here in Miami because, truth be told, the Miami Heat are a lot like the Nexus—they're both arrogant, despised by millions, overrated and, in a word, the Nexus and the Miami both are hopelessly mediocre. I think LeBron is...is like the Wade Barrett of the NBA, not that he's a leader, because we all know LeBron is nothing more than Dwyane Wade's little sidekick. No, the reason LeBron is like Barrett, because they both feel that they are entitled to a championship. Well, there is one important difference—Wade Barrett might become champion tonight, whereas LeBron will never be champion! LeBron has a commercial where he asks, what should he do? What should you do? What you should do, LeBron. What should you do? You should go back to Cleveland and apologize to each and every one of us for what you did, you traitor!

The "Let's Go, Heat!" chants. Of course, the Miami Heat play in this arena.

As for you, Barrett, I don't care what happens to Cena. All you and Randy Orton need to know is I am tired of carrying this briefcase. So right now, it's not a matter of if, it's a simple question of when, because I'm the Miz, you are all witnesses to the fact that I'M...AWESOME!!!

For somebody that's so closely associated with NXT, you seem to have no respect for their former stars.

I like everybody on NXT.

Daniel Bryan and Kaval?

No, but I like my commentary.

There's no doubt that this man, Dashing Cody Rhodes, fits right in at South Beach

[Exasperated] Oh my gosh....

Cody's narcissistic, ego-driven, cocky, conceited, capable and confident.

And he wins.

I think it started with the letter C.

This guy is... look at him!

I am looking at him, it looks like his neck threw up. You think he's Dashing?!?!

He's perfect!

Oh my gosh! [Laughs]

This guy right here, Matt, could be the wild card in all of this.

Well, this is the x factor. I mean, let's not forget this past Friday on SmackDown on Syfy, Tyler Reks took The Big Show off of his feet. How do you prepare for the unknown, how do you prepare for Tyler Reks?

And now Punk kick to the side of the head! [Punk covers Del Rio] The cover! [The ref counts to two, but Del Rio gets the shoulder up] Two-count, Del Rio, shoulder up! [Punk immediately hooks him into the Anaconda Vice] In the Vice! In the Vice!

He's in that Vice!

[as Del Rio tries clawing Punk's face] What a move by Punk! What a counter by Punk! Anaconda Vice! Anaconda Vice! Del Rio's in trouble! The Champ's in trouble!

Hang on, hang on!

Del Rio doing all he can!

THERE IT IS!!!

Oh...you gotta be kidding me! A great victory!

CM Punk is WWE Champion!

Wow.

What a counter.

What a match-up. [Punk exits the ring and dives into the crowd] I mean, these two were fists on fire, toe-to-toe for thirty minutes and it was totally, totally off the hook!

The winner of this bout...and NEW WWE Champion: CM Punk!

For the sixteenth time in the history of Madison Square Garden, the WWE Championship has changed hands! CM Punk now a two-time WWE Champion, and a five-time world champion!

[sitting on the barrier and holding the belt high] BEST IN THE WORLD!!!

Got a lot of respect for CM Punk, man. For all intents and purposes, CM Punk is that good. [Punk runs and jumps into another part of the crowd] Wow! Just jumped in the mosh pit!

You can call that the Punk Pit right now.

Cole, you're quiet. You're sitting there with that look on your face, Cole. Why are you sulking?

You all right, Cole?

I'm picturing the WWE with that man as Champion.

I thought you was picturing yourself in that Anaconda Vice. Stuffed up like a chicken, screaming like a little girl.

You guys do realize that that man is representing your company now, right? You realize that! So much for the class and dignity of Del Rio!

Well, I'm on Smackdown.

I don't think this capacity crowd here in Madison Square Garden has any problems with CM Punk representing them.

[on Brodus Clay's entrance] A funky start to the Survivor Series.

"Funky"'s a kind word. This is what happens when you cross a plesiosaur with Adele. This is the offspring.

What are you talking about?

A plesiosaur, from the Cretaceous period.

No, I mean Adele's a singer, not a dancer.

Okay, Kirstie Alley.

Cesaro was considered too aggressive when he played rugby; he was actually kicked out of his league...

That's what I just said.

...before he came over here...

I'm over here with a freaking parrot!

...to WWE.

Good grief, I just said that! He was thrown out of the Top 14. Like Buck Shelford, All Blacks; Springboks-All Blacks! It's an island just south of Australia, parrot!

Now you know how it feels.

Come on, JBL, you can't blame him for not listening.

[on Del Rio] And you like that guy, JBL?

Love that guy! You have your ring announcer, you got a $100,000 collector's Rolls Royce! This man is terrific!

You know, you had your own Cabinet. How did that work out?

Not so well. We were the antithesis to the Four Horsemen.

Daniel Bryan a former World Champion.

And a vegan. Something else no one cares about. Tyson was a vegan until he ate Holyfield's ear.

[laughing] You've talked about every sport imaginable tonight, even rugby.

Your Google was busy today.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight marks day #364 that CM Punk has been Champion. He is currently tied with Hulk Hogan for the eighth-longest reign in WWE history.

How could you possibly understate a record like that?! 364 days?! When CM Punk became the Champion, Mitt Romney wasn't even the Republican nomination, Snooki hadn't even had a baby, Hostess was still in business. One day away from being a year, CM Punk!

But wouldn't it be ironic if he doesn't quite make the year?

It would be a year if he can make it to Monday Night Raw. CM Punk's current reign is the longest in six years. The man who stands in the ring next to him now, John Cena, held it for 380 days between 2006-2007. Now isn't that ironic? Now, John, I gotta ask you. A lot of people have been talking all week long about Punk being paranoid heading into tonight, that perhaps tonight is the night that things all are gonna crash down around CM Punk. Have you heard those rumors? Do you believe in them?

The pressure of carrying the Championship that long, one day away from being one year, of course he's nervous. He's not facing one beast, he's facing two in Cena and this crazy manimal Ryback.

And he's also facing the law of averages.

Boston, Massachusetts, the home of the Boston Tea Party, where, at one time, a group of patriots banded together to spark a revolution. But looking around at this motley crew assembled here tonight, I can clearly see that there are no revolutionaries amongst us. But if the Boston Tea Party were held today, none of you would know it, because you don't pay attention. None of you would know anything about Paul Revere or Nathan Hale because you're too busy doing other things, stupid things like twerking.

Twerking?

Oh, he threw his back out.

Oh, you think that's funny? You're doing stupid things like talking on your cell phones or Tweeting to some idiot halfway across the country, or cheering some foreign guy by the name of David Ortiz! Disgusting! You should be cheering real Americans like Jack Swagger...

Enough, enough, Zeb! None of these people here paid to listen to you talk!

I did.

You paid?

And none of these people wanna see you twerk.

I do.