Jerry Lawler quotes from Survivor Series

Hard shoulder block by Windham, the son of Blackjack Mulligan, knocking the rather... well, he's a little weird, ol' Phineas is, from Bitters, Arkansas.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't start already, JR. There's nothing weird about the guy just because he comes into the ring wearing a pair of overalls and... I don't know, he must sweat a lot. He's already soaking wet; the match has just started. But that doesn't make him weird.

Those three years in the third grade had nothing to do with that analogy, I guess.

Interestingly enough, King, only one member of Team Canada was born in Canada — that's Phil LaFon. The Bulldog's from Manchester, England; Doug Furnas from Commerce, Oklahoma; and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart from Reno, Nevada.

Don't ever let the facts get in the way of a good story, Ross. Who cares? This is Canada against the United States, and quite frankly, I'm a little bit ashamed of the team that we're fielding.

Owen Hart with a tremendous ovation in his home country, and Owen Hart...aw, look at this. What an act of bravery. Owen Hart, defending the Intercontinental Title, is bringing Team Canada with him.

Well, it takes that many guys to carry all of Owen Hart's awards — those Slammies, all the titles, those flags.

Yeah, Owen Hart has won a couple of Slammies, he's won two WWF Tag Titles, he's been the Intercontinental Champion twice. In some people's view, he is the real "Hitman" of the Hart family, because he almost put Shawn Michaels on the shelf with a kick to the back of the head, and we all know what he did to Stone Cold Steve Austin at SummerSlam.

And you know, let's face it. In actuality, the physicians have not cleared Stone Cold to wrestle. They probably never will again. He had to go...he had to sidetrack the physicians. He had to get this match OK'd...well, he had to okay it himself. He had to indemnify Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation, tell them they wouldn't be sued if his career was ended, and that may be the biggest mistake Stone Cold's ever made in his life.

Austin again... [hits the Stone Cold Stunner on Owen Hart and covers him] OH AUSTIN! THE STUNNER! THE STONE COLD STUNNER! It's... [the referee counts three] YES!

No!

AUSTIN'S THE CHAMPION! STEVE AUSTIN IS THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! [Doug Furnas and Phil LaFon attack, but Austin Stuns both] Wait a minute! Team Canada's back! Furnas, LaFon, Stunner for your trouble! The Rattlesnake did it!

...et nouveau Champion Intercontinental: Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Austin walks into hostile territory, and he comes away with the Intercontinental Championship, and now the fans seem to love him!

I told you these Canadians are idiots!

Tonight, the mystery opponent...to square off against Mankind. This legend, in the ranks of sports-entertainment, made his WWF debut in 1990. Over the course of the next six years, this charismatic superstar boasted a won-loss record that set new standards here in the WWF. Unfortunately, seeking more opposition of his own caliber, this natural athlete jumped ship to the "dubya-C-dubya" (WCW)...

Woah! Who is it?

...and after suffering a massive shoulder injury, this cornerstone of the World Wrestling Federation has been sidelined for the past two years. With his career on the line, he fought back with resilience, dreaming of this triumphant return to the ring here tonight. Therefore, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you. Currently, the coach of the Pasadena Chargers. The man...the myth...Duane Gill.

Who?

What...is he....?

Duane Gill? Wait a minute I know him, that's Duane Gill!

Well I'm not...he's...he's...he's got a video. McMahon has had a video prepared to Duane Gill, who has spent more time on the canvas than Rembrandt.

What? This is Mankind's mystery opponent? Handpicked by Mr. Vince McMahon?

Well, I tell you what...when McMahon told Mankind that... [pyro goes off] OH! I don't think Duane's quite used to getting pyro.

He's got pyro and it scared him!

I think that, I was informed just a second ago by our producers, that the Pasadena Chargers...is an elementary school football team. It's no as as if came...

Well don't hold that against him.

It's not as as if he came from the NFL or something.

Why don't you just listen to me a little more, JR? I've been doing this a few years, you know. I know what I'm talking about.

I watched you when I was a kid; I learned something every day.

There's the Sharpshooter.

Sharpshooter!

McMahon said, "ring the bell!" Wait a minute.

What?

Wait a minute.

Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of a submission, the winner... and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Rock!

WHAT?!?!

What the hell? They're in it all along, all three of them! They screwed us all... McMahon and the family, The Rock, they screwed us all!!!

Vince McMahon in the ring! Now Vince has got the title belt.

OH! [Big Show chokeslams Billy Gunn]

Vince McMahon has got the title belt in his hand, King.

Look out! Wha... [Vince swings at Triple H with the belt, but misses] Uh-oh.

Oh, going for Triple H's head...

[Vince swings again, and this time hits Triple H] NO!

AND HE GOT IT! McMAHON JUST KNOCKED TRIPLE H DOWN WITH THE BELT! [Big Show picks up Triple H and chokeslams him] THE BIG SHOW WITH A CHOKESLAM!

[Big Show covers him. Vince, who was scheduled to be the referee for this match, counts and the audience counts along with him] No! I can't believe it! [Vince counts three]

THE BIG SHOW! McMAHON HAS SCREWED HELMSLEY!

[as he says this, Vince hands over the title to the Big Show] The winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Big Show!

Vince McMahon has screwed Triple H, and it is Show Time! It's Show Time! Triple H has lost the WWF Title to the Big Show!

And the Game going back; he's going to try it again.

Oh-ho.

One more Pedigree! He's going to stop Michaels!

[But Michaels back body drops out of the way] Look out, Game! Look out!

And Michaels back body dropped the Game! [Michaels gets into Superkick position] He came out of it!

[Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music and the crowd erupts] Oh, he GOT him!

SWEET CHIN MUSIC! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! THE COVER! [Earl Hebner counts and the crowd counts along with him: "One"] THE COVER! ["Two"] HE GOT HIM! ["Three"; the crowd erupts again]

NO! WHAT?!?

SHAWN MICHAELS! SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE WORLD CHAMPION!

What?!? WHAT did you say?

[over Jerry talking] The winner of this bout, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: HBK, Shawn Michaels!

THEY'RE ON THEIR FEET AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN! MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

They're on their feet all over the world right now, JR! Nobody believes this!

SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!

ACK! Look at this! [Confetti begins to drop from the rafters]

MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

This may be the world's biggest celebration!

I know it's been said before, BUT IN THE WWE, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!?

Ladies and gentlemen, if DX remain on the same page tonight, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that John Cena will lose the WWE Championship.

Well, the question is, which one of these great superstars will win, be victorious here tonight? I mean, this is...you guys will have to agree with this, I mean, is it gonna be Shawn or is it gonna be Triple H?

Well, the last time the WWE title changed hands in this city was 2000 and that match featured, the Game, Triple H.

Sweet Chin Music!

What in the world?!

Ohhhh!

Shawn Michaels...

I told you, King, I told you!

What the-

I told you!

Look at the look on Cena's face!

Ha-ha-ha!

What?!

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is vintage Shawn Michaels!

I love it!

Shawn Michaels has made a career about being in the center of the storm, and he did it, again!

What?!

Let's go, here we go now! Come on!

...what?! I can't - did that just happen?!

Well, of course, coming out to his nerd music...

That's "Ride of the Valkyries", that's a great song.

Yeah, from Apocalypse Now, and every time that Daniel Bryan comes out, that's what it is out here. Nonetheless, Daniel Bryan would know nothing about the way Maryse would dress, that wonderful Versace dress and Prada jacket. How gorgeous does Maryse look here tonight at Survivor Series?

Oh, she's always very, very beautiful...as most...

Arm candy?

...gold diggers are.

Well, Daniel Bryan said he was honored...

Wait a minute, how can you say Maryse is a gold digger?

Let me ask you, if you think—Matt, you can probably vouch for this. You said you would love to take her shopping; you used to be a teacher—what if you still made a teacher's salary? You think she would still be around...

He still does!

I would take out a loan and mortgage my house.

Trust me, Maryse would not be hanging around with somebody that is a regular joe out the street.

Michael, let me shift to you. Daniel Bryan said he was honored to have Hall-of-Famer Jim Ross call his match this past year on "Old School" Raw.

How did that work out?

For somebody that's so closely associated with NXT, you seem to have no respect for their former stars.

I like everybody on NXT.

Daniel Bryan and Kaval?

No, but I like my commentary.

There's no doubt that this man, Dashing Cody Rhodes, fits right in at South Beach

[Exasperated] Oh my gosh....

Cody's narcissistic, ego-driven, cocky, conceited, capable and confident.

And he wins.

I think it started with the letter C.

This guy is... look at him!

I am looking at him, it looks like his neck threw up. You think he's Dashing?!?!

He's perfect!

Oh my gosh! [Laughs]

And now Punk kick to the side of the head! [Punk covers Del Rio] The cover! [The ref counts to two, but Del Rio gets the shoulder up] Two-count, Del Rio, shoulder up! [Punk immediately hooks him into the Anaconda Vice] In the Vice! In the Vice!

He's in that Vice!

[as Del Rio tries clawing Punk's face] What a move by Punk! What a counter by Punk! Anaconda Vice! Anaconda Vice! Del Rio's in trouble! The Champ's in trouble!

Hang on, hang on!

Del Rio doing all he can!

THERE IT IS!!!

Oh...you gotta be kidding me! A great victory!

CM Punk is WWE Champion!

Wow.

What a counter.

What a match-up. [Punk exits the ring and dives into the crowd] I mean, these two were fists on fire, toe-to-toe for thirty minutes and it was totally, totally off the hook!

The winner of this bout...and NEW WWE Champion: CM Punk!

For the sixteenth time in the history of Madison Square Garden, the WWE Championship has changed hands! CM Punk now a two-time WWE Champion, and a five-time world champion!

[sitting on the barrier and holding the belt high] BEST IN THE WORLD!!!

Got a lot of respect for CM Punk, man. For all intents and purposes, CM Punk is that good. [Punk runs and jumps into another part of the crowd] Wow! Just jumped in the mosh pit!

You can call that the Punk Pit right now.

Cole, you're quiet. You're sitting there with that look on your face, Cole. Why are you sulking?

You all right, Cole?

I'm picturing the WWE with that man as Champion.

I thought you was picturing yourself in that Anaconda Vice. Stuffed up like a chicken, screaming like a little girl.

You guys do realize that that man is representing your company now, right? You realize that! So much for the class and dignity of Del Rio!

Well, I'm on Smackdown.

I don't think this capacity crowd here in Madison Square Garden has any problems with CM Punk representing them.