Karen quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Karen

It's Chip. [shows the word "chip" on her screen, then shows an old computer chip] He's named after my grandfather.

[groans] Great, here we go with the crying! Will you please hush that thing up?!

Karen

There you go. All better.

Wow, how did you do that so fast?

Karen

Simple, I just typed 4-4-4-5 in his cute little keyboard.

I don't get it.

Karen

[turns Chip upside-down and the numbers show the word, "Shhh" on it.] Shhh.

[groans and continues his work]

Karen

So, how was your talk with Chip?

Oh, it went great. He's a good boy.

Karen

Yeah, he wh— [notices Chip is missing] Where—where is he?

Oh, he ran away.

Karen

WHAT?! Why would my baby run away?

Because I told him to. [He rolls his eye] Duh.

Karen, baby, let's be reasonable here!

Karen

[picks up the trident holding Plankton] You find our son and bring him home this instant or don't bother coming home! [her green frying pan turns into a spiked glove]

[screams as Karen flings him out of the Chum Bucket] I'm going! I'm going!

Sandy

Gal Pals, we have to save SpongeBob!

[whimpering] Gal Pals. [The girls break through the front door to rescue SpongeBob. But, to their relief and surprise, the old lady turns out to be a sales lady giving SpongeBob pinecones on a stick.]

SpongeBob

Wow! [the old lady gives SpongeBob a pinecone on a stick] Ooh, another pinecone on a stick! I love it. [takes it and gets another one from the old lady] Wow! [takes another pinecone on a stick] I'm gonna get one of these for each of the Gal Pals.

[confused] Huh?

Sandy

[laughs in relief] It's only a cabin-to-cabin country sales lady. Not Flibberty Gibbet at all.

[off-screen] Did someone say my name? [the girls turn and see her for real this time] Hi, gals!

Flibberty Gibbet! [scream in horror as they run out of the cabin and into the woods]

I—I just wanted to say all's forgiven!

SpongeBob

[follows the girls] Hey, wait! You'll need my lucky peanut!

Gal Pals! [crash onto the screen] [The words "The End" is shown and the episode ends.]

Oh, the Chum Bucket's the only place in town still selling chum, but I can't go crawling to Plankton for help. No, I won't. I got too much pride for that. [cuts to Mr. Krabs invading Plankton's trash can, looking for some chum] Oh, come on, there's gotta be some chum in here somewhere!

Karen

[comes out with a flashlight] Hello? [Mr. Krabs hides behind the trash can] Who's out there?

[comes out with a bat] All right, miscreant, come over here where I can destroy you! [swings the bat around, but gets crushed by it]

Krabs??

What are you doing here? [crawls out from under his bat]

Nothing, nothing! I, uh, [takes the shoe out of his mouth] lost my shoe! See? Found it. [laughs] Okay, bye. [his stomach growls loudly]

[suspiciously] Hold it. What's going on with you, Krabs? Your clothes are a mess and your stomach's making strange noises.

[wears the shoe] What are you talking—I'm... [stammers until he gives in] Oh, fine! [throws away the shoe] I'm hooked on chum, okay?!

Say what?! [his skeleton falls out in shock]

Look at me now! Digging through garbage for scraps! [sobs uncontrollably]

Karen, can you give me a hand with my new Dodanatron?

Karen

Sorry Sheldon, I'm off to visit my Motherboard. [leaves the Chum Bucket]

[gasps, runs after Karen] Wait! How am I supposed to get anything done without you?

Karen

Don't worry, I put up Help Wanted flyers for an intern. See? [throws intern flyer, and it flies until it hits Plankton's eye]

[sees flyer] Ooh. "INTERN WANTED." Apply today at Chum Bucket Labs? [crumbles flyer] I'm a mad scientist! If getting help was that easy, I wouldn't have built a computer wife!

Is this where I apply for the intern job?

Ahem. Hello and welcome to Chum Bucket Labs. As an intern, you will gain valuable work experience and a sub-minimum wage. [the crowd sighs and leaves, leaving only Patrick] Well that narrowed it down.

Patrick

I wanna do the science!

[quietly] Oh boy. [bubble transition] Okay, let's see how ya handle scientific equipment. This is my Duplo Maker! It's very, very simple.

Patrick

Oh, like me!

[takes out a coin] Just put this coin in the chamber-

Patrick

Gotcha! [grabs the coin and squishes Plankton]

Ow! No! Just the coin, you idiot! [gasps as Patrick steps inside the machine]

Oh.

Do we get the job?

I'll tell ya what ya get. [takes out a remote] You get out! [pushes the button on the remote, and a robot hand with a glove smacks the Patrick clones out of the Chum Bucket]

Hi, I'm Patrick.

No, I'm Patrick.

Who's Patrick?

Well, great. Not a single applicant left.

Pearl

Hello? I'm still here.

[shouting as his iris turns into a whale] Whale! [Pearl steps closer to him as he climbs up to his desk] No! Not you! Whales eat Plankton!

Pearl

I don't eat Plankton. That's baby food. I'm just here for the job.

Really? You're not gonna eat me?

Pearl

Eww, no! I just need money, but my dad's such a skinflint with my allowance.

Alright, you're hired. Whatever.

Karen

Ah, I'm floating on air! A balloon ride, a candle-light dinner, and our wedding song is playing! Oh, this day is perfect.

No, you're perfect, Karen. You're the best computer wife a copepod ever could have! [types on keyboard] Bon-bon? [he presses a button on the keyboard]

Karen

Oh, I shouldn't. [her computer screen turns into a woman eating a bon-bon]

Indulge yourself, my darling.

Karen

Thank you, Plankton. This is truly a date to remember.

Well, my love, you haven't seen anything yet. [comes back dressed as Ray Ray] For you, my love! [passes a rose to Karen using his tongue]

Karen

Oh, Ray Ray! [laughs and sniffs rose] Aah.

[combs hair] That's right, baby. Ray Ray is at your service. [shines teeth]

Karen

Ray Ray, you've got my cooling fans running on high. [grabs Plankton and knocks down table] Ha, ha. Get over here and give me some sugar! [as Plankton and Karen are about to kiss, Plankton sees Mr. Krabs down from above.]

Huh?

♪Do do do do do♪ [places the formula on top of his boat, and yawns and stretches] What a long day. [he gets in his boat as he leaves the formula behind]

[looks down at the formula; angelic singing] Uh... eh... ehh! AHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!!

Karen

What is it, Plankton?

Hold that thought, baby. I uh- I forgot something down here. I'll be right back! [jumps off from the balloon and his clothes fall off] Can't believe this is really happening. [falls to the ground] The Krabby Patty secret formula is finally mine! Huh? [he goes through the formula; every time he touches it, his hand goes through the formula] Huh? Eh... [the formula disappears] Ehh! [looks for the formula] Hm, eh, ah, eh, eh! Is this some kind of horrible nightmare? What? [the scene cuts to inside the Chum Bucket to reveal that Plankton was on top of a green screen] A projector? You tricked me with a simulation?!

Karen

It was a test, Plankton! And you failed! You fail every time when it comes to our romance.

Right, so I goof up one time and now I'm the bad guy?

Karen

One time? Failed one time? [numbers show up on her screen] How about 4,700,000 and- [glitching] Error, er-er-error.

But baby cakes, I left to go get the Krabby Patty secret formula. For me... and you... You know... for us! [puts on a cute face] Ehhh?

Karen

Listen, Sheldon. You need to show me an interruption-free romantic date night because until that happens, no one is leaving the Chum Bucket. [presses an alarm that makes the Chum Bucket go on lockdown]

Aah! [a brick wall crushes the front doors as the Chum Bucket's glove grabs some tinfoil as it places it on top of the roof and puts a rubber band on it.; Karen grabs Plankton, and his Ray Ray clothes get put on] Oof!

Karen

You better not mess this one up, Ray Ray. [flicks Plankton off her hand]

Karen

[folding Plankton's underwear] Alright, Plankton, I managed to fit twelve changes of underwear in the suitcase. Will that be enough?

I'm gonna be gone for three days, Karen, so yeah, that should cover it. [laughs as Spot licks him] That's right, Spot. Daddy has to go to the Annual Doomsday Device Expo in Shell City. He's gonna find you an ultimate evil. Yes he is.

Karen

How did you figure that out?

SpongeBob

[lets go of Spot, who bounces] This happens all the time when he plays with Gary. [Spot barks, then Gary splats him with his eye stalks. This repeats.]

Karen

Oh, I admit, looking after Spot while Plankton is gone is proving trickier than I thought. [Spot hops on some tables, sucks up an entire food plate, and chews on a ketchup bottle, making him squirt ketchup all over the place while flying in the air.]

SpongeBob

[shrugging] Maybe he needs to burn off some energy?

Oh, it's over. I'm coming home early.

Karen

[on phone] You're what?

But I bought the most evil world-conquering device I could find. [holds a sphere with runes on it, and souls escape from it] Anyway, [puts away device] how's my little Spot? Put him on the phone. I miss his voice. [The scene cuts back to Karen, where she is stopped at a crosswalk as Spot moves past her.]

Karen

Put Spot on the phone?

SpongeBob

Whoa!

Karen

This phone?

SpongeBob

[whimpers] Ooh. [lassos telephone straight onto Spot, crushing him, Spot is on phone, barking]

[cutting back to him] There's my wittle man. Sounds like Mommy is taking good care of you.

[holding onto tiny suitcase with tongs] Hey, some idiot left this tiny suitcase next to an open flame! [drops tongs and suitcase] Oh, no. [The building explodes, causing everyone to scream and leave.]

Uh, gotta go. [runs off]

[walking with doomsday device] I gotta be careful with you. [laughs] One wrong move and you'll blow the whole ocean sky-high. [laughs, notices Spot] Huh? [Spot barking happily]

Huh, the good times never last. [screams and runs away as the Chum Bucket and Spot crush him] Ouch! [Spot continues growing, catching the attention of others.]

Huh? [murmuring]

[escaping Spot] Karen! [SpongeBob, Karen, and Gary come out of spot] None of my sticky notes said to turn Spot into a behemoth!

Karen

Well, this wouldn't have happened if [points to Plankton] you had trained him properly.

I'm a busy man. [waves finger at Karen] You should've been following my instructions.

Karen

Excuse me? I am your computer wife, not your computer maid!

[whimpering]

Karen

[off-screen] I slave all day over a hot keyboard-- [An open shot of Earth is shown as Spot continues to grow larger.]

[off-screen] Oh, so everything is my fault! It's all ones and zeroes with you, honey. [being held by Karen] You probably made Spot bigger than me on purpose...

SpongeBob

Ooh! [holds bone] Aha!

To make me feel small!

SpongeBob

[calling] Spot?

[notices bone] Ah!

Karen

Your mouth is the biggest part of you-- [off-screen, Spot gets excited and licks his lips] Everything about you is small.

[off-screen, Spot tries to reach for the bone] My heart is big.

Karen

My mother was right, I should not have settled.

SpongeBob

Look!

[look at Spot, Karen's screen turns into a question mark] Huh? [Spot starts barking, pushing towards them]

Karen

Spot! I think he's... dividing.

Aww, he doesn't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight. Come on, boy. Come to Papa. Come to Daddy.

Karen

Come on, boy!

SpongeBob

Come on.

Gary

[meowing]

Spot! [Spot lands on top of Plankton.]

[picks up Spot] Aww. [gets licked] Aww.

Karen

[picking up Plankton and Spot] Oh, I can't stay mad at these [touches Plankton, screen turns into heart] cute little faces.

Well, I'm still a little mad. [Spot licks him, both laugh]

Petunia

[takes away the KK's flowers, one by one] Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh?

Squidward

Huh-m..Ohh-aaahhhh.... [looks love-smittenly at Petunia]

Petunia

[enter's SpongeBob's workplace] Pardon me, huhhhhh?

SpongeBob

Don't forget this! [holds it and points his spatula at a bomb]

Petunia

[grabs away bomb] I'll just freshen these florets and bring them right back, huh-huh? [rips away flowers and runs to defuse them]

[quietly talks to Squidward] I wonder what's wrong with Petunia.

Squidward

Huh? Nothing's wrong with her! She's a perfectionist, like me! [hops onto his cashier stand] I'm in love with her, and I can't keep it a secret any longer! [rips open his shirt and runs to the Flower Pot] Petunia! [quietly laughs]

Petunia

[gasps as she runs to the pot] I've got exactly one minute to defuse these bombs-

Squidward

[disrupts Petunia's escapades and is seen standing at the Pot] I picked this begonia from my own flower garden, huh? [blinks cutely]

Petunia

Oooh, that's a nice one, but I can't right now Mr. Tentacles, please step aside! Mmmm.... [grunts as she holds the bomb]

Squidward

[holds out the begonia ring] Petunia the florist, will you ma- [Petunia explodes in Squidward's face, leaving him charred and stunned] Huh-huh?! [The begonia ring disintegrates into dust.]

You loopy, lovesick lummox! You sabotaged my whole plan! [Squidward groans in embarrassment, walks off, and rubs out a pile of sand over himself to make it look like a grave. A new flower pops up while doing so.] Woah! [spits and hops out of Petunia] Uh-oh... [A crowd angrily surrounds Plankton.]

[growls] Not only did you play with Squidward's heart- [scene cuts to a sand-covered Squidward] but ya cost me twenty-four bouquets! I say we step on 'im!

Yeah! [subsequent angry noises]

Oopsy-daisy, huh?

SpongeBob

[picks up Plankton with his shoe and cries happily] Petunia was very nice but I'm so glad you're back, Plankton.

Thanks, Sponge-Boob. You've given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for - just enough time to do this! [The Flower Pot transforms back into the Chum Bucket.]

Karen

[grabs Plankton back into the Chum Bucket] Let's go, buttercup.

Toodle-loo! [evilly laughs] No more flowers! It's back to the secret formula to me! [laughs again, but a spiked shoe flies at him] My iris!

[throw out objects and make angry noises, although SpongeBob seems to avoid committing to any violence, Laser guns pop out of the Chum Bucket.]

[lasers are shot in their direction] Ahhhhh!

I'm back, baby - huh?

[laughs] I'll have a solid gold pipsqueak… [pulls out his sundial watch] …in about 4 hours.

[pops out of SpongeGoose's bottom] Peek-a-boo!

What!?

[jumps onto SpongeGoose's neck and grabs his cloak] Giddy up, galloping gooseflesh! Hya! [Jack whips the cloak and SpongeGoose runs away from his nest. Giant Krabs tries to stop them, but SpongeGoose jumps in between his eyes. SpongeGoose squeezes under the entrance door and runs away from the castle while dropping golden Krabby Patties. Giant Krabs crashes through his door and chases SpongeGoose and Jack to the beanstalk. SpongeGoose rides it down as Giant Krabs can only look down. As SpongeGoose and Jack ride down the beanstalk, they slip off and start falling to the ground.] [whimpers] Abandon goose! [Jack grabs a golden Krabby Patty and jumps off SpongeGoose. Just before he hits the ground, SpongeGoose flaps his wings and breaks his fall. Jack falls straight into the ground and is crushed by his golden patty.] [gets up with SpongeGeese circling his head] I forgot geese can fly. [Jack is caught off-guard as he sees Giant Krabs climbing down the beanstalk.] Alright, enough of this storybook stuff. [pulls out a laser] It's laser time, baby! [Jack activates his laser and it cuts down the base of the beanstalk.] Timber! [maniacally laughs]

Ok, you can keep the goose! [falls off the beanstalk and lands on Jack's cottage, destroying it]

Oh no. Karen!

Karen

[rolls behind him] Jack! Look what you did to our house!

I just slayed a giant for ya, you wanna lay off?!

[as Plankton stands up and tries to keep his balance] Legs ain't your problem, honey. If you want to tango, you got to learn to dance with your [moves hips] hips.

With my lips? [live-action close-up of him moving his lips] This isn't working.

Karen

[eyes roll off her screen] Ugh.

That's because I said hips! Watch me. All you got to do is... [moves hips]

Karen

Wow, your hips are so hip. You got your work cut out for you, Sheldon.

My hips can't do that.

Of course they can. You got to force them to do it. [holds onto Plankton and Karen] The tango is physical, [dances with Karen] emotional, and most importantly, [pushes the two out of the way] aggressive.

What?

Aggressive? [grinning evilly with Karen] Now you're talking my language.

Karen

Yeah, we speak fluent aggression.

Good. Tap into that aggression and put it in your [flexes arm] hips. Now, abrazo. [slams hands together] Embrace!

[grabbing onto each other] Abrazo.

[phases through the Chrome Bucket as a chrome orb] Sheldon, welcome home.

Karen, is that you? I see you've had some work done.

Uh-huh. And that's not the only work I've been doing.

Ooh. [rubbing hands] Have you completed some kind of deadly destructive robot?

Negative. [displays an easel] I have been working on my art pieces. [sprays a gray background with two squiggly lines] I'm quite successful, in fact. [A couple appears.]

Oh, honey, [pointing] this would match the couch in the living room.

We'll [holds up chrome money] take it. [Future Karen takes the money, then the couple walk off with the painting]