Tim Bisley quotes from Spaced

Duane

You know what they say about love and war.

Tim

Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war.

Duane

See, Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.

Tim

It's not a bedsit. It's a flat. [Shoots Duane in the groin] Yes! [Turns and sees Mike on the ground] No Mike! Mike! Oh Jesus no! [Mike throws up paint out of his mouth] MEDIC!

Mike

Is that you Tim?

Tim

Yeah I'm here, man; just hold on, hold on!

Mike

I'm tired, Tim.

Tim

Just err... everything's going to be fine I promised. [Cries] I'm sorry I said those things, I just... wasn't thinking straight.

Mike

I can say some pretty stupid things myself sometimes.

Tim

No, Mike, I'm the stupid one. I've always been the stupid one. [Mike smiles] What are you laughing at?

Mike

I guess I got to be the hero after all.

Tim

Yeah, I guess you did.

Mike

I've gotta— I've gotta sleep.

Tim

No no, Mike, stay with me.

Mike

So tired, so tired. Goodbye old friend.

Tim

No, Mike! [Mike appears to die from his paintball injuries] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Daisy

In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...

Tim

Pilchards.

Daisy

Banana and...

Bilbo

Acorns.

Daisy

Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toasted sandwich maker away. And, you know what?

Tim

What?

Daisy

You don't miss it.

Bilbo

So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him.'

Tim

No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich.'

Mike

When friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made.

Tim

You mean we kill the dog?

Mike

[whilst nodding] No...

Tim

Spoil sport.

Daisy

How can you not like him? He's so cute. Aw...

Tim

Yeah, that's how it all starts, with oohs and ahs, but later there's barking and biting! He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy. You give him all the love in the world and spend years of your life doting on his little furry head, and then one day you get back from aerobics and there he is, panting over the half eaten remains of some hapless handyman you left fixing the tumble dryer.

Daisy

We don't have a tumble dryer.

Tim

You will, my friend. You will.

Daisy

Look, Tim, I know that I've been insensitive, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep seated psychological disorders—

Tim

Thank you.

Tim

You know, Brian, everything that happened in those movies can be attributed to the actions of one man.

Brian

Who?

Tim

The gunner on the Star Destroyer in the first film.

Brian

What d'you mean?

Tim

[chuckles in a knowing way] Well, if he'd shot the pod with R2 and 3PO in, they wouldn't have made it to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have saved Princess Leia, none of it would have happened.

Brian

Chaos theory...

Tim

Eh?

Brian

The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it—past, present, future—is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system.

Daisy

So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an... equation... for predicting the future?

Brian

An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.

Tim

[In dawning realization] Oh my god...

Brian

What?

Daisy

What?

Tim

I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket. [They all cheer; Tim sings] "Oh Mummy, oh Daddy, let's all play kabaddi."

Tim

Mike, you're Luke. Brian, you're Chewie. Daisy, you're Leia. Twist, you're...Jabba.

Is Jabba the princess?

Yes.

Tim

What you doing playing Army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill!

Mike

The T.A is no game Tim!

Tim

It isn't the T.A Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.

Mike

You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in bed."

Tim

Yeah, and you're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in Apocalypse Now."

Tim

That's easy for you to say. What you doing later on?

Mike

It's classified.

Tim

Well, why don't you come round? Look, I'm bored.

Mike

I can't. Combat canoeing. I'm going to do an Eskimo Roll with a two stone rucksack in my bag, along with a loaded rifle.

Tim

They don't have rifles in the Rough Ramblers Mike.

Mike

Hand grenades?

Tim

No!

Mike

Anthrax?

Tim

Mike!

Mike

Listen Tim. I Gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger. Bravo. Tango. Alpha!

Come on, Mike!

Tim

How is she?

Mike

The fibreglass on the outer casing was severely damaged in the incident.

Tim

What happened?

Mike

Showing off Tim, I had 15 rocks in my rucksack, instead of the regulation 5. I knew something was wrong when I got her in the water, she was sitting so low, so low. But I didn't stop Tim, 15 rocks in my rucksack and everyone knew it.

Tim

So what happened when you rolled?

Mike

I lost control of the vessel 2 feet from the shore. When I struggled to right her, I banged it into the jetty, damaging the canoe's carcass.

Mike

The "Ramble" Leader, had to dive in and rescue me from beneath the canoe.

Tim

So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll, it was more of a case of rolling right Inuit.

Tim

Inuit's another word for Eskimo!

Mike

[Mike sobs] I've been thrown out Tim. The Rough Ramblers don't want me anymore!

Tim

[Tries to comfort Mike] Come on. Come on. Come on.

Mike

(I've gotta) face it Tim, I'm not the big man, not the leader. Noone's ever gonna look up to me. I feel like a failure.

Tim

You're not a failure, Mike, you're not! You're too good for them, they're not ready for you, You're a renegade, you're a soldier of fortune.

Mike

Like the A-Team.

Tim

Yeah, you're like Mr. T. but white and hairy. And I feel sorry for anyone who says you're not.

Mike

I pity the fool.

Tim

I pity the fool.

Mike

[Mr. T voice] I ain't goin' on no plane, sucka!

Tim

[irritable] Stop that.

Mike

I had to dress up as an elderly Israeli woman once.

Tim

Really?

Mike

I didn't have to.

Tim

We should talk.

Tim

We're going to a club later on, do you wanna come out?

Brian

(through the door) Don't go to clubs.

Tim

Come on, Brian, what d'you mean you don't go to clubs?

Brian

[peeks out] I'm working, Tim. Working. D'you understand.

Tim

No...

Brian

Trying to....avoid...cliches...by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.

Tim

Right...

Brian

I'm using my penis.

Tim

Finally.

Brian

D'you want to see?

Tim

No, just about to have my tea...

Tim Bisley

This is something that I've always wanted! You have things you want, you're always going on about going to Asia and seeing the Taj Mahal.

Daisy Steiner

I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with its boss behind my back and break my heart!

Tim Bisley

Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia!

Mike

Aren't you coming in with me?

Tim

I'm not your dad, Mike! [Hands him a lunch box] Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.

Tim

I just had a moment of clarity, you know, I woke up. It's like... you know when you have an orgasm on your own? [Daisy looks increasingly disgusted and uncertain during the following:] You know, you're sort of lying on the sofa watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken lonely night in Soho, and you're lying there and everything's going really great, you're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images, everything seems so right, and suddenly - phht! Bingo! You wake up. And you're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue which you know is still in your pocket, and the remote control which is somewhere on the floor, and it's like walking in on yourself, you know? It's just like "What're you doing?" That's how I felt tonight feeling my heart miss a beat everytime the door opened. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Daisy

Well, that's... love, isn't it? Load of old wank.

Tim

Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status quo, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just a thankless struggle.

Tim

Do you wanna dance?

Daisy

You know what? I think I do.