Tim Bisley quotes from Spaced

Daisy

What do you mean, you have a "funny feeling"?

Tim

I can read her like a book.

Daisy

Never judge a book by its cover.

Tim

He who dares, wins.

Daisy

Look before you leap.

Tim

Do you believe in life after love?

Daisy

That's a song.

Tim

...shit.

Tim

[in voiceover] Marsha's our landlady and as far as she's concerned, Daisy and me are a professional couple, but that's not really important. Anyway, she's lovely.

FUCK OFF!

Daisy

So how are you, then, you big bloody man?

Tim

I'm good. I'm good. I've just had a few things to work through.

Daisy

With Sarah?

Tim

No, with George Lucas.

Daisy

Tim, it's been over a year.

Tim

It's been 18 months, Daisy. And it still hurts.

Daisy

Well I didn't think Phantom Menace was that bad.

Brian

They arrived just before you did...

Tim

You Lando!

Daisy

I'm sorry!

Mike

I'm hit!

Brian

I'M BLIND!

Tim

Buffy...?

I was like you once. Blonde hair. Scraggly little beard. Childlike ears. Full of beans, and spunk. I let my principles get in the way of things. I punched a bloke in the face once for saying Hawk the Slayer was rubbish.

Tim

Good for you.

Yeah, thanks. But that's not the point, Tim. The point is I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what I should have said was "Dad, you're right - but let's give Krull a try, and we'll discuss it later." [pause] The Phantom Menace was eighteen months ago, Tim!

Tim

I know Bilbo, but... it still hurts, you know? I mean, that kid wanted a Jar Jar doll!

Bilbo

Kids like Jar Jar!

Tim

Why?

What about the Ewoks eh? They were rubbish! You don't complain about them!

Tim

Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft!

How long have you been unemployed, Mr Bisley?

Tim

[checks watch] About an hour and a half.

Have you been looking for work?

Tim

[laughs, then sees she's serious] Um, no.

Why did you leave your last job?

Tim

Got fired.

Why?

Tim

[nonchalantly] Uh, a difference of opinion...

The Phantom Menace?

Tim

[pauses, then, surprised] Yeah...

Didn't you like it?

Tim

[cautiously] No...

Well, [taps nose conspiratorially] you leave this with me. I'll get you some money out in the next few days.

Bilbo

[Stand-offish] What's Derek like as a boss?

Tim

[Stand-offish] He's okay. Don't fully agree with his policy on vintage comic display.

Bilbo

[Desperate] Look, Tim, I'm sorry I fired you. It was a mistake! Will you come back?

Tim

Oh, why? Things not working out with the new guy?

Bilbo

[Sheepish] You could say that.

Hawk the Slayer's rubbish!

Tim

[Stand-offish] I see.

Bilbo

Will you come back?

Tim

Well, I like it here, Bilbo. What makes you think I want to come back?

Bilbo

This.

Tim

[On machine; sobbing] Look, B-Bilbo, t-this is Tim. Please can I come back?! I don't like it here!

Tim

[Sheepish] You got that, did you?

Bilbo

I would have come in anyway. The place just isn't the same without you there.

Tim

[Warmly] I'm already there.

Bilbo

[Alarmed] What?!

Tim

I mean I'll come back.

Bilbo

Oh, right. Frightened me for a moment there.

Tim

Derek? Babylon 5's a big pile of shit.

Get out!!

[Joyfully] Hooray!

Tim

I got me job back.

[Joyfully] Ayyyeee!

Mike

I got me own room.

[Joyfully] Ayyyeee!

Tim

Where's Brian?

Mike

He's standing in the garden with no clothes on.

[Joyfully] Ayyyeee!

Have you thought any more about that rematch, Michael?

Mike

Yes and no.

What does that mean?

Tim

It means 'yes, he's thought about it' and 'no, he doesn't want one'. [To Mike] Doesn't it?

Mike

Yes.

So that's a 'no', is it?

Daisy

What does "T.F.U" stand for?

Tim

Uh... The Fuckest Upest.

Daisy

This is a very large machine Tim. Take you long?

Tim

No, not really.

Daisy

Hm, fast worker?

Tim

Well why don't you come on back to my flat and we'll find out.

Daisy

I think you've already answered my question [laughs].

Tim

So you like my robot then.

Daisy

I love it. [gasp] What's this?

Tim

It's an axe. Feel the weight.

Daisy

There's nothing more devastating than a big chopper.

Tim

Shhh...[places a finger over Daisy's lips] Don't cheapen this. [moves the hair from her face]

Mike

[suspicious] What's going on?

Tim

Uh, I was just coming - to the pub, with you.

Mike

Yeah, I think we should take the Private down to the shed.

Daisy

Hmm, what's up with Mike?

Tim

Nothing, he just, he usually likes to be Philippa.

Tim

I think we should lose the axe.

Mike

I like the axe.

Tim

I like my face.

Mike

I like your face.

Tim

Let's keep the axe.

Tim

I think I can guess.

Mike

This isn't the work of amateurs, Tim. Private Iron was taken apart by someone who knew what they were doing.

Tim

Right, and what happens now?

Mike

Well, if we can't fix him in time, we're automatically disqualified. Runners-up go through.

Tim

And they are?

Mike

[Gasps, as if realizing] Dexter and Cromwell!

Tim

Right.

Mike

... So who did this?

Tim

They did!