I hate the meds. You gonna make me take 'em?
You get fucking nuts when you don't.
Are you gonna want to be with me even if I don't? You used to love me. Now you don't even know who I am. Shit, I don't know who I am half the time. You don't owe me anything.
[In a tone of voice that a parent uses with a melodramatic child] I... love... you...
What the hell does that even mean?
It means we take care of each other.
I don't want you sitting around, worrying, watching me, waiting for me to do my next crazy shit. It means thick and thin, good times, bad, sickness, health, all that shit. You gonna marry me? Are we gonna go down to the courthouse in some tuxes like a couple of old queens?
No, thanks. I've already done that.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Too much! Too much is wrong with me. That's the problem, isn't it? Too much is wrong with me, and you can't do anything about that. You can't change it. You can't fix me, 'cause I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed, okay? I'm me!
This is it. This is you breaking up with me.
[Ian and Lip are sitting in the van of their backyard]
What happened to your face?
Yeah. There's no such thing as casual sex anymore. You know, I, uh... I think I'm falling in love with one of my professors.
Is that Frank? [Frank walks up to van window]
She's gone, boys. She's gone.
[They both laugh]
[Sammi is approaching in the distance with a handgun and she is calling out to him]
{Fiona is in the kitchen with Veronica]
Do you think I'm a good person?
[Sound of gunshot]
[A ricochet flies through window whipping up drapes]
Oh, you're gonna get fucked!
You tried to fucking kill me!
Fuck you and your weird-ass kid!
Oh, you're gonna get fucked, you little bitch!
[Fiona rushes out backyard door and comes across Ian]
What the hell is going on?
I'm not sure. Mickey tried to kill Sammi. Sammi's trying to kill Mickey, and something about her being in a box for a week.
[Police sirens approach]
Living with a teenage meth dealer.
I'm not your mother. I'm just concerned. Did you take them? [Closes fridge door to be startled by Frank and gasps] Fuck, Frank.
I love you. I... I just want you to know I'm... I love you. I ever tell you about the time I caught an octopus on the reef outside of our hut and Bianca cooked it on an open fire right on the beach?
And the funny little sneeze she would do when she was asleep? [They all imitate Bianca's sneeze] Debs, I love you.
I just... I want you to know that.
I... I want to light a candle for Bianca at the foot of the blessed.
I hope someday you two have the precious gift of feeling what I felt for that beautiful young woman... [sobs]... and then to have that love stolen cruelly from you by a pitiless God, and then maybe, just maybe, you'll remember this day and your father's anguish and you'll be ashamed of the lack of compassion you showed him in his time of need. I love you, my little brown banana.
I don't know how much more of that I can take before I stab him in the neck with a broken beer bottle. What are you smiling about?
I'm happy. Can't I be happy?
No, not about this. There's absolutely no reason to be happy about this.
Jesus. [Cutting in line to confessional box Uh, excuse me. I'm... I'm late for work, and you all look like you haven't had gainful employment for decades, so if you don't mind, I'll just, um... [In confessional box] Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been 23 hours since my last confession.
CPConfessional priest
Frank.
I just can't understand why God would take her away from me, Father. Her family threw me out of the funeral. My own family ridicules my pain. Why, Father? Why? It was God's will, and she's in a better place. But why, why, when we had just found each other? Is God really so vengeful? Why is he punishing me with this torment?
CPConfessional priest
All right, ten Hail Marys and light a candle.
CPConfessional priest
All right, 20. What the hell do you want? Do you want me to tell you to flog yourself with a cat-o'-nine-tails, make you wear a hair shirt?
CPConfessional priest
Oh, damn it, Frank. It's not the Middle Ages, and there's a line out there for confession, so will you please let other people come in here and confess their sins?
Well, Jesus freaking Chr- if a man can't find a little comfort from the Catholic Church, maybe it's time to admit Martin Luther had a point. Let's give the Lutherans a try.
[Leaving confessional to woman he cut in line to] Don't give me that look! What could you possibly have to confess?! Your cooch dried up before Nixon went to China!
[Fiona wakes up in bed with Sean]
It's too early for thinking.
Debbie's got to get an abortion. Been hashing over this all night.
How could I have let this happen to her?
You didn't. Whenever a girl gets pregnant, the first thing people think is bad parenting. Uh, you're an excellent sister/parent.
I should have made her go on the pill.
Do you want to, maybe, uh... do your taxes while we're at it? [Takes off Fiona's underwear]
Sorry. I'm not really in the mood.
Hmm. Seems like you are to me.
If she has this baby, she's gonna be like every other sad ass girl in this f*cking neighb- [Seans puts hand over Fiona's mouth]
Okay. You know, you got to shut up for a few minutes. You need a stress reliever and I only have 12 minutes before my meeting. So this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna shut off your brain. And you're gonna... breathe into your body.
[Muffled] I can't breathe. Your hand is on my--
Yeah, I said shut up. Breathe through your nose. [Moans] You feel me inside of you?
Relax. Close your eyes. Yeah, let me do all the work. [Grunts] Now just let go, and give yourself over to me. [Moans] That's it. Do it. Good girl. [Moans] Now I got to blue ball it over to my meeting before work. I'm gonna rally this family to make Debbie do it. Well, take it easy on her. You know how it is. You tell a teenager what to do, they always do the opposite.
TKTape Kevin
You're the best tennis players on the planet. Gemma, you have the number one backhand smash in the world. Amy, you can serve and volley like no one's business. Gemma...
Kev, I'm thinking the subliminal message thing is really working.
Well, at least it put 'em to sleep.
TKTape Kevin
...gave you the nickname "The Sledgehammer."
What, you saying my voice is boring?
TKTape Kevin
No, I'm saying we got 30 minutes to get down to business while Venus and Serena finally take a nap.
TKTape Kevin
...You get a tattoo of a sledgehammer on your right bicep.
TKTape Kevin
...Your dad's a little disappointed by this, but he can overlook it.
As much as I love hearing your subliminal message voice, can we take this upstairs?
Really? 'Cause it's kinda turning me on.
YYanis
Get away from my babies before I blow your heads off!
RLRedhead Lisa
You should've put muzzles on them!
Damn it! Yanis woke up the girls again. All right, I'll go deal with it. God damn it, Yanis!
YYanis
Aw, come on. You can't take them. They- those are my babies!
RLRedhead Lisa
We asked you to make them stop barking.
YYanis
They're dogs. They bark. That's what they fucking do!
My babies haven't napped in over a week because of your loud mouth. Now, what is going on?
YYanis
These two rug-chomping dikes called Animal Services on my babies!
All right- all right! Would you just calm down, and tell me the story without the gay bashing.
YYanis
Look, man, I've had Michael, Tito, LaToya, Marlon, and Janet since they were eight weeks old!
RLRedhead Lisa
They're not licensed!
YYanis
I don't know what that even-!
Lisa and Lisa, what is going on?!
RLRedhead Lisa
There's feces everywhere, Kevin!
RLRedhead Lisa
One of them is foaming at the mouth. They could bite our kids. Give them rabies.
Kids? I didn't know you guys had kids.
BLBrunette Lisa
But soon.
YYanis
Hey Tito! Daddy's gonna get you outta there!
ACAnimal control
I need you to back away from the van, sir. Would y- !
YYanis
Wh-wh-wh- What're you gonna do with the dogs?!
ACAnimal control
Imma bring 'em down to the shelter. Owner has seven days to get permits and provide a clean living area and pay for microchips and vaccinations. Otherwise, they become candidates for adoption or euthanasia.
YYanis
You can't kill my dogs, fuck!
ACAnimal control
Hey, get the fuck off me. Don't make me fucking tase you!
All right-- all right-- all right! Okay. Yanis, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail. He- You heard the guy. You can get your dogs back. Go start by cleaning up the mounds of shit in the front yard. Go! [Yanis speaks Greek]
Can you just go do it quietly?!
YYanis
[Speaks Greek] Oh... [scoffs] Thank you, Kevin. [Speaks Greek] Just remember, Lisa and other Lisa, we were doing fine in this neighborhood before you two moved in!
[Fiona wakes up with morning sickness, runs to the bathroom finding it is occupied then vomits out a window onto Frank and his shelterees]
Jesus! Fuck. Shit. Gallagher rain. [Chuckles and speaks Spanish] Even the my daughter's vomit can't dampen the flavor of these empanadas.
Frank, what the hell is going on?!
This Jorge Mendoza and his clan. Got evicted. Bank sold it right out from under them, and the Mendozas came home yesterday to find all their stuff on the street.
And how is this our problem?
The loss of our unique community? Generations of the American melting pot getting kicked out of their homes. Gentrification is everyone's problem, Fiona.
Frank, what are they doing in our yard?
I rented it to them. The shed, the van, under the porch, this grassy area. And, oh, my God, can they cook.
Where'd all this come from?
And cage-free organic eggs and juice with the pulp in it. [To Liam] Eat up, little homey.
Where you getting all this money?
You better not be selling drugs again, Carl.
Nope, no drugs. I learned my lesson. [Flashback scene reveals Carl selling handguns from a washroom stall at school]
Ian: You better watch out. If she doesn't like what you're doing, she might try to fire you from the family.
Yeah, or try to force you to get an abortion.
Carl, can you drop Liam at Head Start on your way to school?
Do I look like a babysitter?
No, you look like a criminal, but last I checked, you were still a Gallagher.
Fine. Bros got to stick together. Let's go. Come on, little homey. Don't be a little shit. Let's go.
No, it's not, and it turns out that the pill is a big fucking waste of money.
Are you lying? Are you making this up?
You are the only one who lies about pregnancies around here. Jesus. I'm not making it up.
Oh, my God. This is amazing. What are the chances? We can raise them together like sisters. Sister cousins! Whose is it? Is it Gus' or Sean's? If it was Gus', that'd be weird. How far along are you?
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. Listen. I'm saying... I know how shitty this feels, like something's taken over your body, and you feel sick and, like, a little crazy, and I'm sorry because I didn't get that before, and I was harsh and cold and... Anyway, I'm sorry. [Hugs Debbie]
And now we can go through it together. We can go to the clinic. We'll make appointments for the same day. It'll be good. It'll be like a family outing. Like Disneyland, only with abortions.
Wait, what? What kind of apology is that?
Debs, I know that you think that keeping it will bring Derek back, but if he left you like this, then he doesn't deserve you, and there will be other guys that you will love--
No, no, no, no. You're the one who sleeps around, Fiona, not me. God. You are disgusting. You're a horrible human being. You didn't even bother to divorce your husband. You just ghosted him.
You ghosted him. You disappeared. And now you're gonna ghost your baby. [Fiona gags, runs to washroom and retches]
[Appears in side door] Family breakfast, no one bothers to invite the padre.
