Spider quotes from Sea Patrol

Mike

What have we got, Chefo?

Chefo

The usual, boss. Plus Spider’s famous Bright Island crabs in hoisin sauce and calamari marinated in garlic and ginger.

Spider

Yeah, try the crabs, sir. The calamari’s not half bad either. Where’d you get it, Chefo?

Chefo

You remember the one we caught up our mast. :[Winks at Mike.]

Mike

Think I’ll have a snag.

Kate

Hello, sailors. How are you both feeling?

Spider

Oh, much better, thank you, ma’am.

Buffer

X, I am so hungry, I could eat the sleep out of a cow’s eye.

ET

Well, that’s good, mate, ‘cause I think Chefo just ordered for you.

Chefo

That’s right. I’ve got crabs if you boys want ‘em. That’s not what I meant. That is... I’m out of here.

Spider

[On a tape of Chefo’s engagement drinks, pretending to be the X.] Chefo, you big spunk. I’m spewing you’re engaged. Because you’re a very, very able seaman.

Chefo

Thanks for noticing, X!

Spider

If I wasn’t such a... ice queen who only cares about her career I reckon... I might have babies with you.

Spider

Ma'am. Does this make us square now?

Kate

Not quite Spider. Not quite.

Spider

How are we gonna get him back?

Buffer

Sir will just ask nice and polite and they’ll send him over on a line.

Chefo

And if Spicy Donger says no, we storm the boat and tear their heads off.

Spider

Buff, look.

Buffer

They’ve got him in hotpants.

Chefo

They’ll pay. Oh, they’ll pay big time.

Spider

My Mum always said I had big ears

ET

I don't think that was a compliment, Spider...

Buffer

Nice of you to join us, Spider. Hurry up and get your antiflash gear on. Chefo can’t operate that 50-cal in his own.

Spider

Sorry, Buff!

Chefo

You heard the man! Smurf up!

Spider

Ma’am. Put down the weapon. I mean it ma’am. Put the weapon down.

Spider

Now, step away from the cauliflower.

Buffer

It’s a broccoli, you idiot.

Charge

Not quiche again.

Bomber

Charge, this is real man’s quiche – bacon, sausage, barbeque sauce, splash of Tabasco. Put whickers on your whiskers. Or in Spider’s case, it may bring on puberty.

Spider

I’ll have you know I shave every day.

ET

Legs and bikini line don’t count, mate.

Bomber

It’ll put hair on your chest, then.

Spider

I’ve got hair on my chest, okay? Just like yours.

Swain

You don't have Bird Flu, Spider.

Spider

What, are you a pathologist? They were on the Hammersley for a very long time.

Charge

We're disinfected.

Spider

Charge, those germs can live for a very long time.

Charge

What, are you a pathologist?

Mike

Just stay calm Spider. We'll have you out of here as soon as we can.

Spider

Pretty calm sir, just a bit uncomfortable.

Buffer

How do you expect me to find you a pillow out here mate?

Spider

Excuse me X.

Kate

Mmm?

Spider

Um, I thought you might like one of these. [Hands her a picture of the guys with the baby.]

Kate

Oh, that’s very nice. Where did you get it from?

Spider

2 Dads made the border and RO printed them up.

Kate

That’s generous of RO. He’s usually very tight with his time.

Spider

Oh, no, he was tight. I had to pay for them

Kate

[Turns to Mike.] Oh, you really are gonna have to have a talk to him.

Mike

Do I have to?

Spider

One box of paper towels.

Buffer

One paper towel. [Checking the list against his list.]

Buffer

One drunk sailor. [Referring to Robert coming aboard the ship.]

Swain

Now, we’ll flush that out with a bit of diluted hydrogen peroxide.

Spider

Is there some reason you’re making Bomber do all this?

Swain

It’s good training.

Spider

Or are you just scared to touch my leg, Swaino?

Swain

It’s a very nice leg, Spider, but I don’t wanna touch it. Besides, it’s much more fun watching you go through it. And finally, the antiseptic ointment.

Bomber

That stuff really stings.

Swain

Oh yeah. (Passes it to Bomber.)

Bomber

With pleasure.

Spider

[Pulls a pair of undies out of Bomber’s bag.] Oh... they’re not mine.

Kate

Spider! [Snatches them back and stuffs them back in the bag.]