Bird quotes from Sea Patrol

Bird

X, I know all about the ‘no snogging your shipmates’ rule, but there is no rule that says you can’t check them out.

Kate

No, no, there is no law against that.

Bird

I flop.

You mean you fold.

RO

:[To Bomber.] I just spat on you!

Bird

Whatever, I don’t get this game.

Bomber

:[To RO.] That’s disgusting!

What would you prefer to play, Bird? Go Fish?

Bird

Hey, don’t knock it, I’m actually pretty good at that one.

Dutchy

So, who do you think he’s protecting?

Bomber

He fancies Bird. Was it you?

Bird

No.

Charge

No, Bird was cleaning ovens all night, Bomber.

Bomber

Not all night, Charge.

Swain

Bomb, she didn’t leave the ship.

Dutchy

Where were you, Bomber?

Bomber

Wasn’t me.

Charge

Course it wasn’t.

Swain

Oh, come on, she wasn’t even there. [Bomber turns to look at him.] Were you?

Bomber

Oh, what? So I’m invisible now? Get out of my galley.

Swain

Well, six hours left, 2Dads. Time to spill your guts.

Bomber

Come on, 2Dads, tell us.

Bird

At least tell Bomber it wasn’t me.

Dutchy

Listen everyone, I think the right thing to do is whoever did it to fess up themselves.

Charge

That’s right.

RO

Oh, that went well.

RO

[Scoffs.] Children.

Bird

Robert, this is a family resort.

RO

Yeah, well, I was never allowed to behave like that when I was a child.

Dutchy

That explains a lot.

Bird

Yuck.

Dutchy

Relax, it's just a little bit of squid. [Helps Bird with her fishing rod.]

Bird

Yeah, but they're so slimy!

Bomber

Hey! I thought the rule was to bait your own hook.

Bird

I don't do slimy!

Bomber

Guess that kills 2Dads' chances!

Bird

I'm so sorry, X. I didn't mean to injure him. Honestly.

Kate

Oh. So, you hit him with a torch.

Bird

I didn't know that it was him.

Kate

Okay, Bird. I'm curious who did you intend to beat senseless then?

Bomber

There’s nothing to worry about.

Bird

There isn’t?

Bomber

No. It’s a popular dive site. Coastwatch are on the case, we’re on our way, he’s wearing scuba gear.

Dutchy

Bomber’s right. Bird. 2Dads will be fine. He’s got a BCD and an FSB.

Bird

I know a BCD’s a buoyancy control device, what’s an FSB?

Dutchy

Female, Swedish...

Bird

Backpacker.

Dutchy

Bingo. Ten bucks says Coastwatch will find him hitting on her, and he’ll blame us for cramping his style.

Bird

Yeah, I hope so.

Dutchy

Hey, I know so.

Kate

[Over radio.] Sir, we’re returning the illegal catch back to the sea now.

Mike

Let’s hope a good number of the fish survive. Well done X.

Bird

[To RO.] Why wouldn’t they all survive?

RO

Stress.

Bird

Stress?

RO

Big killer in fish.

Bird

Really?

RO

[Nods.] Mmm. You think I’m making it up?

Bird

I can never really tell if you’re joking or not.

RO

No, I don’t... I don’t joke. I never joke.

Bird

You never joke?

RO

Joking’s not my thing.

Bird

Okily dokily.

Charge

Just one question, sir.

Mike

Yes, Charge?

Charge

With Bomber away, who’s gonna cook for us?

Mike

Well, I’m sure we’ll manage. RO, you’ve had experience in the galley.

RO

Uh, I think that we should probably go back and get her, sir.

Dutchy

How hard can it be to burn a bit of scran?

RO

Seriously, I think that we should go back and get her now.

Charge

He may be right, sir. If you could remember back to last time. There was... problems.

Mike

Bird, can you cook?

Bird

Uh, a bit, sir.

Mike

You can give RO a hand in the galley.

Bird

Great!

Mike

There you go, RO. Enthusiastic helper. Just keep it simple.

RO

We all die, it’s not my fault.

Charge

We will die.

RO

Sir. It’s good to have you back.

Mike

Good to be back, RO.

Charge

Starting to look like your old self again, sir.

Mike

I don’t know if I'll be winning any beauty pageants, Charge. Don’t know why I’d be entering any.

Mike

But Bomber and Swain did a pretty good job of patching me up.

Bomber

One of the more enjoyable jobs I’ve had to do as second medic. I’m gonna miss you guys.

Mike

Not as much as we’ll miss you. [Turns to Bird.] What do you think, Bird? This Navy life. Is it all worth it?

Bird

Yeah, I reckon it’s okay, sir.

Mike

Great. [Walks over to Kate and Dutchy.] So, who has the ship?

Kate

I do, sir.

Mike

Very good. Take us home, X.

Mike

You hear there, this is the captain speaking. We’ll be in port within the hour. Once along side, those not on watch will be free to enjoy some R and R.

Yes! What do you say, ROey, you gonna cut lose tonight or what?

RO

Sadly I’m on watch, 2Dads.

Ah, bummer. What about you, Bird? [Mimes having a drink.]

Bird

Uh, I’ve got food to prep for tomorrow.

How boring are you guys? Looks like I'm gonna have to have enough fun for the three of us!

Mike

Remember 2Dads, this is a good will visit. Let’s not wear out our welcome on the first night.

Charge

I’ll keep an eye on him, sir.

Kate

Who’ll keep an eye on you?

Dutchy

Ah, that’d be my job, ma’am.

Kate

That doesn’t fill me with confidence, either.

Dutchy

Oh, would you look...?

Kate

Captain has the ship.

Dutchy

What rubbish!

Kate

You know, I might just have to come along and keep an eye on all of you.

Bird

Don’t you read the social calendar?

I like to be spontaneous.

Dutchy

How are you doing?

Bird

Better than you, by the look of things.

Dutchy

Looks can be deceiving.

Dutchy

Bird, the only reason we are still alive is because you didn't follow my instructions when I told you to run and hide.

Bird

I wanted to.

Dutchy

Which makes what you did all the more brave.

Bird

Brave? Dutchy, I have never been so scared.

Dutchy

Me neither. I'm very proud of you, Bird. You're a damn good sailor. The navy is lucky to have you.

Bird

I still hate guns.