Spider quotes from Sea Patrol

Spider

[Carrying a box of exotic fish.] X, they've got the whole cast of Finding Nemo down there!

Mike

Seaman Webb?

Mike

Stay where you are. How are you feeling?

Spider

Um, fine, sir.

Mike

That’s interesting. You look like death warmed up.

Spider

That’s actually how I feel, sir.

Mike

First time away from home?

Spider

Yeah.

Mike

I know how it feels. Lying in this same rack, thinking about Mum’s roast dinners.

Spider

This was once your rack, was it, sir?

Mike

Carved my initials in there somewhere. I understand you did very well today on your first boarding party.

Spider

Yeah.

Mike

Keep it up.

Spider

Thank you, sir.

Chefo

Word is you haven't been saluting the ship's mascot.

Spider

I'm supposed to salute it? Who is he?

Chefo

It's Thor - the thunder god.

Spider

Oh, my mum wouldn't like me saluting him then. We're Presbyterian.

Buffer

Don’t listen to him, Spider.

Spider

Oh, my name’s Billy. Billy Webb.

Chefo

Yeah, that’s right. Spider Webb.

Spider

No, I had that all through school. I joined the navy to get away from it all.

Buffer

Good luck with that, Spider.

Buffer

You got my smokes?

Spider

Eh?

Buffer

My smokes. You got ‘em?

Spider

You said not to given them to you.

Buffer

That was then, this is now.

Spider

Yeah, but you said even if you asked.

Buffer

Spider, I’m a gentle man. Don’t tempt me to violence.

Spider

I can’t. I swapped ‘em for some crabs.

Buffer

You what?

Spider

I told you on the island, I met those fishermen.

Buffer

And you gave them my smokes?

Spider

Yeah, it was a pretty good deal. [Buffer looks at him.] Sorry, sir.

Buffer

Don’t call me ‘sir’, I work for a living.

Spider

Sorry, Buffer. [Pause.] What happens if we don’t find them? (ET and Jaffah.)

Buffer

We’ll find them.

Spider

Yeah, but what if we don’t?

Buffer

We keep looking.

Spider

How long do we keep looking?

Buffer

Until we find them.

Chefo

You know, I’m all for giving up the smokes, Buff. But on the other hand... maybe you should start again.

Spider

Buff, I’ve got some chewy here.

Buffer

Give it here.

Spider

I mean, how cool is that? I fully thought the dude’s brother was dead as well. You know, she was very, very convincing.

Buffer

So that’s how she got him to give up the drug bosses?

Spider

Yeah, but it was cooler than that. I mean, like, when he went for her, she fully did this combat action stuff and just got him down, handcuffed him straight away. It was amazing.

Chefo

Wow, sit sounds like the X has a fan.

Spider

No, she just could’ve saved our lives, that’s all.

Chefo

It’s alright, Spider. I remember my first crush too.

Spider

I don’t like her, Chefo.

Chefo

It’s only natural. She’s a woman, and you’ll be a man one day.

Spider

Chefo, I don’t like her.

Chefo

It’s not what the evidence points to, Spide.

Spider

[Leaving.] You suck.

Buffer

Hey, Spide.

Spider

What?

Buffer

You did well out there.

Spider

Thanks. [To Chefo.] You suck.

Spider

I think it's a ghost ship.

Buffer

It's a catamaran, you idiot.

Spider

They're going to be ok aren't they? Right? X?

Kate

I don't know Spider, I'm not a doctor.

Spider

But it's just a jellyfish sting.

Kate

Well, severe Irukandji syndrome can be fatal. I've got to get back to the bridge. If there is any change in his condition get Swain immediately. Understood?

Spider

Yes Sir... [Kate gives him a look.] Um, ma'am.

Hey, Buff. What’s your favourite Star Wars quote?

Buffer

What?

Spider

Jaffah’s specialty subject.

Buffer

[Opens a cupboard. Mutters.] Where the hell...?

Chewbacca. Am I right?

Nav

Oh, you look fabulous!

Kate

I would like to thank my personal stylist, Lieutenant Commander Mike Flynn, for the loan of his very favourite fishing shirt.

Mike

Black eye adds a degree of authenticity to the ensemble. Don’t you think?

ET

Ease off, Nav. I didn’t volunteer for this gig.

Mike

No, you're there because you failed to keep an eye on David.

Spider

Yeah, believe me, ET. No one volunteered for this gig.

ET

[Grabs a fish Buffer had picked up.] Oh! Buffer! You kiss me! Kiss me!

Buffer

Unlike some of us, ET, I’ve got standards.

Chefo

I reckon that Buffer’s a one-fish kind of guy.

Buffer

Righto, you lot! I want these uppers clear for a freshwater washdown! Spider, you’re in charge!

Spider

Yes, Buff!

Spider

That storm in the night sure made a mess. You ever seen it blow as big, ET?

ET

Mate, I slept like a baby. Didn’t feel a thing. Don't know what you’re talking about.

Spider

You're pulling my chain, right? The waves were massive. They were at least 20 metres.

Chefo

20 metres, hey, Spide? You sure you weren’t asleep too?

RO

Squid for breakfast! [He throws a squid down.] Looks like we did some illegal fishing in that storm.

Spider

[Laughs.] You were saying?

RO

I believe you, Spider. How else did we get all this seafood up here?

Chefo

Alright. I’m taking bets to see how many rounds it’ll take. My money’s on a single shot.

Spider

One shot for me.

Chefo

Trust the Spider.

Nav

I vote for three. I think you boys might miss the first couple.

Chefo

Whoo. Nav doesn’t think much of our gunnery skills.

Mike

Let’s focus on the job at hand.

Nav

Sorry, boss.

Mike

If the navy permitted a wager... I’d bet on two rounds of the 50-cal.

Buffer

I’m with you, sir.

Hey Spider, is that you, mate? How are you going? How are those crabs we gave you?

Spider

[Defensively.] They're talking about seafood. They gave me some crabs on Bright Island!

Spider

Chefo, tell them about the crabs in the freezer.

Chefo

I don't know what you're talking about, mate.

Spider

Do you know what she’s talking about, Buff?

Buffer

[Behind his hand.] I have no idea, but I sure do like the cut of her jib.