Swain quotes from Sea Patrol

Chefo

Hey, guys, guys what Spider’s just done.

Buffer

Chefo, as you can see, we’re playing a game here, and every time you interrupt, I lose concentration and Swaino wins.

Chefo

I’m sorry, Buff. You’re gonna want to hear this. You remember the blood you found on the catamaran?

Swain

Spider found it, yeah.

Chefo

Yeah. Well, it was evidence, and Spider, the tool, just cleaned it up.

Swain

He what?

Chefo

Yeah. X is fuming. Apparently it was the only thing to prove Jackson’s lying.

Buffer

Good one, Spider.

Swain

Mate, glad he’s in your division. It’s gonna be messy.

Chefo

I’d better go. Don’t want to miss the fun.

Swain

I win, by the way.

Buffer

I’m gonna kill Chefo.

Swain

Toby? Toby, what’s wrong, mate? [Chefo opens his eyes.] Tobes?

Chefo

[Sniffs.] Who’s in my galley?

Charge

[Snatching the ultrasound.] Gimme. [Rotates it a few times.] Where’s the nipper?

Swain

[Pointing.] There. Head, arm, leg, ten cute little toes.

Charge

Looks like a frog.

Swain

It’s not a frog! It’s my gorgeous baby!

Charge

Which explains why it looks like a frog.

Swain

You did a terrible job wrapping this, mate!

RO

Well, I only had one arm!

Swain

[Holding an ultrasound picture.] Hey, what do you reckon?

Buffer

Definitely looks like a peanut, Swaino.

Buffer

Misty found my conversation inspiring.

Swain

Misty? [He grabs the piece of paper Buffer is holding.] Misty was that blonde you were talking to at the bar last night?

Charge

Name like ‘Misty’, she’s either a stripper or a whale-watcher.

Swain

Or both.

Charge

Possibly both.

Buffer

Hey, hey, I finally get a woman interested and I’m gonna die inhaling some deadly toxin.

Charge

Toxin, perfume – same result.

Buffer

Yeah, I’d like to see how these guys handle this toxin when I feed it to them.

Swain

Oh, gentlemen, company.

Uh, hi. I agree with you completely. [Sticking out her hand.] Martina.

Buffer

Buffer. Peter.

Charge

[Clears his throat.] You’ll have to excuse us, Martina. Peter’s watch is about to start, and I need to give my boys some information.

Understood. We’re relying on you boys to find this ship.

Swain

Oh, ma’am, if anyone can sniff it out, it’s the CO.

[Picking up Buffer’s email.] Oh, uh, I look forward to hearing some of your inspiring conversation.

Buffer

Ma’am.

Swain

Must be your pheromones, mate.

Buffer

What?

Swain

Exactly.

Nav

ET's being posted with us?

Mike

Good to have the old gang back together, wouldn't you say?

Charge

Wooh-hoo-hoo! It's the creature from the deep.

ET

I heard you fellas couldn't deal without me.

Buffer

Yeah right.

Swain

It's good to see you again mate.

ET

It's good to be here.

Buffer

It's a great to hear your voice, sir. Any advice would be highly appreciated.

Mike

Buffer, it's a time for a Graunch boarding.

Kate

[To Swain.] Tell me he didn't say "Graunch"!

Swain

I think he did, ma'am.

Buffer

Sir, you are a mad man. It's a pleasure to serve under you. Wish us luck. Over.

Swain

You don't have Bird Flu, Spider.

Spider

What, are you a pathologist? They were on the Hammersley for a very long time.

Charge

We're disinfected.

Spider

Charge, those germs can live for a very long time.

Charge

What, are you a pathologist?

ET

It's a choice of fruit salad or fruit salad.

Charge

No way.

Swain

I would steer clear if I was you though mate, this stuff with soften your arteries.

Charge

[Sarcastic laugh.] Where is the cook?

Charge

She’s not here, it’s just fruit and salad.

RO

Good. Need you all in the junior sailors’ mess.

ET

Is there a problem?

RO

No, we’re gonna sing ‘Happy Birthday’.

Swain

He’s getting weirder.

Swain

That's one hell of a bullet wound.

He doesn't appear to have been in the water long.

Swain

You think he was thrown out of that prawn trawler?

Oh well, unless he fell from space.

Swain

Now, we’ll flush that out with a bit of diluted hydrogen peroxide.

Spider

Is there some reason you’re making Bomber do all this?

Swain

It’s good training.

Spider

Or are you just scared to touch my leg, Swaino?

Swain

It’s a very nice leg, Spider, but I don’t wanna touch it. Besides, it’s much more fun watching you go through it. And finally, the antiseptic ointment.

Bomber

That stuff really stings.

Swain

Oh yeah. (Passes it to Bomber.)

Bomber

With pleasure.

Mike

How’d you go at the hospital?

Swain

Ah, the CT scan came back clear. Looks like it’s just a few bruised ribs.

Mike

You know what that means.

Kate

My own personal masseuse. You offering?

Mike

Light duties.

RO

Does anybody... oh, sorry. Can anyone tell me where the gents is?

Swain

Bathroom.

Charge

How many of those have you had?

RO

Two? Three? I just, um... they’re very nice.

Swain

Ah, no, mate, I haven’t spotted the head yet. Might want to try downstairs, though.

RO

Thank you.

Swain

Ah, Robert?

RO

Mmm?

Swain

Stay away from golf buggies.

Charge

And the transsexuals.