Scrubs · Season 1
So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.
[Elliot takes a sip]
Elliot!
What? I was thirsty.
Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!
[aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.
Plomox is the most effective antiarrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects — only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
[smiling] I'm gettin' two out of three just from this conversation!
So, this is romantic... the two of us, full moon...
Homeless guy pissing on a dumpster...
So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Would you get off my ex-wife?
I will if you will.
[laughs] Dammit, gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
[a doctor is being arrested]
Yep, they got him, and he's gonna pay.
They're actually arresting someone for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. [suspiciously] Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
[nervously] W-what? No! I hate pudding, and I don't use toilet paper... [pauses] I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Bidet?
Bidet to you, sir.
Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.
Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.
Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
He died?
I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch!
[to a patient who's suing her] I know what your problem is; you blame your problems on everyone else. Well, you know what? If your job isn't challenging, you should get another career. If you have trouble with relationships, maybe it's because you have problems with commitment. I know, because I'm the same way; I blame my parents for spoiling me, I blame this place for taking up all my time... Well, no more. I'm going to grow up and start holding myself accountable.
Good for you.
You're still suing me, aren't you?
Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.
You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
Really?
Honestly you—
Mm-hmm.
—you have never looked so beautiful.
It's the giant boobs, isn't it.
Well, have you seen them lately?
I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!
Mm-hmm!
Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems To Work Day", this is just "Work Day".
[voiceover] And then she said something every man is dying to hear...
We can be sex buddies...
[hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.
Oh, and by the way, Barbie: if word were to get around that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods... [grins] I'll make you pay. You have no idea. Huge.
Hey, you're black, right?
Here we go.
I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.
You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!
[narration] There are a few things I've always believed in. Flowers are good for any occasion. And nothing is more important than making time for an old friend, especially if the old girl has seen better days. Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.
Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.
You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.
Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?
Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?
Mm-hmm?
You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....
That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.
Like a meadow in springtime.
Mmm.
[Carla comes in]
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing; guy talk!
Yeah, bitches and hoes.
Ah, back when I was a resident I remember... blah, blah, blah, nostalgic story. Now get the hell out of my office!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
