Scrubs · Season 1
I think you won't face Ben because you're afraid.
I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because well...I told you that I was afraid earlier today, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said, because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.
[narration] I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should've handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity, or you can suck it up. It's your call.
Don't ever be afraid to come to me about this kinda stuff, newbie. The simple fact that you seem to even give a crap is why I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor; hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
...Are you dying?
I've got a new shrink.
Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for, was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
[thinking] Oh, please God, no.
I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!
[narration] Call it wishful thinking, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that this was nothing more than a very, very bad dream. [J.D. wakes up, and jumps when he sees Turk next to him.]
[In a seductive voice.] Good morning, Tiger.
[narration] Of course, I’ve been wrong before. [aloud] How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?
Baby, why you gotta be so cranky in the morning?
This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.
Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [hits fists together] lock in.
Dude, could you be more homophobic?
I'm not.
[Turk whisks off duvet. J.D. is already dressed.]
Ready to go?
Okay, fine, I’m sorry I slept with your ex-wife! It was an accident.
Look, first of all, it’s not like you tripped and fell into her. And then out of her and then into her again. And second of all, you’re smart enough to know that I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to know where you did it. I don’t even want to know how it was.
A little scary. Sorry, jitters.
Hello, Perry.
[Narration.] Oh, God, the ex-wife.
Jordan. What a coincidence. You were in my dream last night. I can’t say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?
Yes.
Right?
Yeah.
Right?
Mmm hmm. [Laughs.] Say, let’s play a game. I’ll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is.
Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.
OK, clumsy.
Don’t answer that, Newbie.
No worries. [Leans on a trolley, and falls over.]
Goodbye, Jordan. Sandy. [Kicks J.D. as he steps over him.]
Ow.
Good job, D.J.
You know it's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!
Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful. Yeah. [Walks off.]
[Quietly.] Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.
Hey, so what attendings are stuck here on call tonight?
Everyone’s at that Kelso thing.
I think Dr Cox is on.
No, he went home, but he said that Carol could cover for him.
Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?
Well, I’m Carol, so yes.
It’s disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.
Come on, you guys are missing the point. No one is here tonight but us. We are running this hospital.
This is our house!
We’re in charge!
I love my butt!
Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?
[Dr. Cox disapproves of J.D. currying Kelso's favor]
You know, I don't care what you think.
Yeah, you do.
I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.
What's up?
I always get this way in the fall, you know? Summer’s gone, the days are shorter. It just makes me feel so... what’s the word?
Sad?
Yes, that’s it. I’m a janitor, so I couldn’t think of the word ‘sad.’ I was gonna say ‘it makes me feel so mop.’
Let me explain. I...
Go ahead. I’m mopping.
Maybe I shouldn’t bother.
Maybe you mopn’t.
Come on now, Barbie. You keep going down this road, you’re gonna go up to the roof of the hospital and jump the hell off. Mind you, it’s only five stories high, so that means you’ll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you, and then I’ll be forced to jump off the roof of this hospital, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high. And are you starting to see a pattern forming here?
A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
No, I just gave him IV imipenem.
Kelso’s gonna blame me. Just get rid of the nose.
Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should just calm down—
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!
My bad.
When you speak of this, and I know you will, can I be shirtless? I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless.
You don't want to get on Bambi's bad side, and suffer the wrath of Bambi!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
