Scrubs · Season 1
I still can't believe I power-walked butt-naked through the halls of the hospital last night!
My man, I know that wasn't you.
How?
I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.
Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.
You know, sir, Dr. Townshend here was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I’d love to hear one sometime.
Well, what the hell? Back in 68... I don’t like you. The end. [Walks off.]
He tells that one a lot.
I know.
I think Mr. Singer's going to be just fine.
Oh, geez, Bob! Don't creep up on me like that! I almost dropped some fruit in my loops!
I'm sorry, buddy. Say, listen, uh...nowadays it has become kind of hospital protocol to do modified Seldinger in a case like this. You do know how to do one of those, don't you?
'Course!
Good. Because the patient in bed number two needs one. You mind doing it for me?
What the hell's this all about?
Nothing! I was, uh, just looking over your files and, um... well, your osteoporotic patients aren't on Bisphosphonate; your diabetics aren't on ACE inhibitors. Doug, a lot of your treatments are pretty out of date.
Come on, Bob, I'm--guys like us, we're set in our ways.
Well, this is not an age thing, Doug. Hell, these days if you've been out of med school five years, half of what you learned is obsolete. Why do you think I spend every other weekend at a seminar in some two-star hotel ballroom that still stinks of last night's prom vomit? I do it because I have to keep up.
Also, it gives you two days away from the missus, right? Once again, I am sorry I was the one who introduced you in the first place! [When Kelso doesn't laugh.] Look, Bob, I just...I don't have the energy for all that stuff.
Well... then we got a problem.
Morning, Dr Cox.
[Narration.] Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany, no. Cheryl, Betsy... oooh, that’s new. [Aloud.] Betsy, good morning. Let’s make with the chop-chop.
You know, you already used Betsy, like six months ago.
[Aloud.] I don’t care. [Narration.] Dammit!
Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Great stuff. See you about two-ish.
I'm going home.
No, no you're not-
Bye-bye!
Jordan, your water just broke.
This kid's annoying me already.
Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobia phobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?
[deadpan] No. I am incredibly turned on.
[J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm]
I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.
[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]
Who's that?
That's my son.
Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]
I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...
No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]
[to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.
Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Oh, eat those dots, you naughty girl!
I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
Who?
You know, Tasty Coma Wife?
No way!
Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?
[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]
I'm free, and I love Italian.
You be quiet!
[cuts back to reality]
I can't believe you, Bambi!
She's so right, man.
What are you thinking?
Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[He storms out. Laverne walks in]
Did I miss something good?
[voiceover] I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.
Dr. Cox...
[angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.
I know, but I've been trying harder lately—
Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.
[referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!
Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
When did you see my penis?
Last night when you were showering.
Where were you?
Oh, I was outside in the bushes.
[dumbfounded]
Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.
What? Why?
Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
[Inspecting the Janitor's penis after seeing a possible melanoma] Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign.
Yeah, benign, nine and a half...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
