Sabrina Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Hilda

Do you realise what you’ve done?!

Sabrina

What, Bob’s going to sue?

Zelda

No! He’s Santa Claus!

Sabrina

[horrified] What?!

Hilda

That’s right - you’ve just maimed Father Christmas!

Sabrina

So, I guess I’m not the only one not getting presents this year...

Libby

Well, I’ll be using me as shorthand for us. I’ve already got the floral design in my head.

Sabrina

Oh, well I’m glad your butt is working. Oh, I’ll be using butt as shorthand for your head.

Zelda

Now there’s something you should know about Dr. Brickman-

Hello, I’m Dr. Brickman.

Sabrina

[to Zelda, sarcastic] Let me guess, he has cold hands?

Zelda

Don’t worry, he performed his first operation at two.

I even supervised my own birth - I’m a complete professional.

Sabrina

Aren’t you trespassing on government property?

No, I’m here to inform you that you can expect a very big Witch Exam sometime soon.

Sabrina

It doesn’t involve changing the earth’s orbit, does it? Because the last time I tried that, a little thing called El Nino happened.

Well, I can’t tell you when, but I can tell you where.

Mr. Kraft

[to himself] Oh boy, I don’t know why they can’t just accept the misery that should be their lives... [Quizmaster snaps his fingers] Class trip to Florida!

Sabrina

[delighted] We’re going to Disneyworld!

Salem

[on laptop] I’m so happy, I could plotz!

Sabrina

Not on the kitchen table.

Salem

You can say goodbye to this furry little punim!

Hilda

Salem, what’s with all the Yiddish? Are you going into show business?

Salem

I’m online with a camel in Jerusalem who used to be an Amway salesman.

Zelda

Why did the Witches' Council turn him into a camel?

Salem

He used to be an Amway salesman. Anywho... He was wandering through the desert, when he found a scroll that said witches like me can be turned back into their former selves, if they’re kissed by someone who loves them.

Sabrina

Why can’t you just play Solitaire like regular cats?

Salem

One little kiss and I can once again be a man! I’ll no longer be a schlemiel!

Zelda

Salem, don’t trust chat rooms.

Hilda

Besides, you little yutz, who’re you going to get to kiss you?

Salem

Pucker up.

Hilda

If I helped turn you into a man, the Witches' Council will turn me into a cat. What a sad, pathetic existence that would be...

Salem

Moving on... I love ya Zelda!

Zelda

I love you, too... [kisses her finger and places it on his head] ...But I’m not in love with you.

Salem

Oh, Sabrina...

Sabrina

Not until you find a new way of grooming yourself.

Salem

Mean! There must be somebody out there who’s not so stingy with kisses! [Hilda conjures up a Boxer dog, who immediately starts slobbering over him] Oh lord, he’s got toilet-water breath! [sobs]

Zelda

What’s the matter?

Sabrina

I got an "A+" in a really hard test and won a blue ribbon on my invention.

Zelda

...Uh-huh. So, what’s the problem?

Sabrina

[upset] That! No one's excited!

Zelda

Oh, honey... It’s just that, you get "A"s and win things so often, you can’t expect a parade every time.

Sabrina

How about one person walking by with a hearty "well done!"?

Zelda

I, on the other hand, solved an ancient math problem, and the Other Realm scientist sat there like a group of mutes. Of course, now that they’re covered with smallpox, they might be livelier...

Sabrina

I’d just like one person to get a little keyed-up!

Sabrina

This Magic Book is useless, it shouldn’t take this long to find a quick fix!

Salem

What are you looking for?

Salem

Check the recipe section. [Sabrina looks at him doubtfully] Just do it! Do it!

Sabrina

[confused] It’s just "desserts".

Salem

Exactly - That’s what you want, your Just Desserts.

Sabrina

[reads page] Oh, I see; "With one little bite of this Just Dessert, you’ll get the recognition your good work deserves..." Cool!

Salem

Wow! You're lucky; when I was a witch, Just Deserts was a prune. [the linen closet doorbell rings, Sabrina gets up to answer] An old prune!

Salem

Okay, I know you're sad that you can't change Libby, but I have worse news: I have to go to the bathroom! Let's make the girl sneeze!

Sabrina

I have an idea. I'm betting that this leads to the sinuses.

Salem

And I hope that leads to a point.

Sabrina

Well, if we can just put an irritant into the sinuses, maybe we can make Libby sneeze. And since many people are allergic too... [grabs Salem]

Salem

NOOOOOO!!!!

Salem

Sabrina, what happened to Christmas?

Sabrina

Salem, you remember?

Salem

Whatever spell you enacted doesn't affect witch-familiars.

Sabrina

I enacted?

Salem

I'm guessing you must've done something at that party in the Other Realm.

Sabrina

All I did was turn off the TV and storm out.

Salem

That wouldn't do anything...Unless you used the remote and hit the "Erase" button.

Sabrina

I did use the remote and I might've hit "Erase".

Salem

[starts crying] Oh no! It's gone! You've erased Christmas! It was my favorite gift-getting holiday...

Salem

Sabrina, if you don't reverse the spell in 24 hours, Christmas will be erased permanently.

Sabrina

How do you know that?

Salem

Years ago, I was at a party in the Other Realm, and I erased Bobunk.

Sabrina

I've never heard of it.

Salem

That's my point! We didn't figure out how to reverse the spell, and Bobunk was gone forever. Ah, the days of Bobunk...

Sabrina

Salem, I've got to find a way to bring the spirit of Christmas back. Maybe if I start doing Christmas-y things, people will start to remember.

Salem

That didn't work with Bobunk.

Sabrina

Stop saying "Bobunk"!

Sabrina

Salem?

Sabrina

Well, that was really nice of you to ask Valerie out. Well, to get Gordy to ask Val- Well, whatever just happened was really nice.

Salem

I thought I might in service while I'm here. It's just my way of saying... [rubbing his head on Sabrina's shoulder] Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Zelda

Oh, thank Zeus!

I'm sorry I ducked out on you, [indicates Salem] but I had to talk Charlie Powermooger out of taking down Microsoft.

Salem

I thought I could resist power, [weeping] but I'm weeeeak! I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't want to hurt you; I just wanted to rule you! [Sabrina makes a weird face; Salem faces the Witch Judge] Your Honor, I'm ready to be a cat again.

Sabrina, once again, you dodged the bullet (Sabrina smiles) That´s the name of the lion, "Bullet"

Sabrina

Thank you guys! If you´re excuse me I think I´m gonna faint... (she faints)

Hilda

[to Caligula] No! She doesn´t need mouth to mouth!

Sabrina

Okay, I'll just engage it in friendly conversation and maybe it'll go away. What language do giant lizards speak? Of course, Japanese. [casts a spell on her throat, making her speak Japanese] Takor, aday Toyota noya shin chah domo masu? ["So, what do you think of the new Toyotas?"]

Harvey

I didn’t know Sabrina could speak Japanese...

[speaking French] Je ne comprends pas. Je parle français. Est-ce distillateur l’ère Mésozoïque? ["I don't understand. I speak French. Is this still the Mesozoic era?"]

Sabrina

[to herself] A French dinosaur. I only wish this was the strangest thing I've ever encountered. [casts another spell on her throat, making her speak French] Vous êtes dans la chance. Ils ont un centre ville de festival de viande. Un bon nombre de sauces crèmes. ["You're in luck. They're having a meat festival downtown. Lots of cream sauces".]

Non possible! ["No way!"]

Sabrina

Possible. ["Way."]

Merci, porc Américain culturelement illettré. Au revoir. ["Thank you, culturally illiterate American pig. Toodles."] [stomps away]

Sabrina

Salem, help! I've disappeared!

Salem

[mock gasps] I'm so sorry! Hey, twirl me around so it looks like I'm flying!

Who better to be my Maid of Honor than the person who fixed the rift between my Daddy and me?

Sabrina

Well, besides a sister, college roommate or lifelong friend, I can't think of anyone...