What are the odds we'd bot come as Morticia?
You're Morticia? Well, then that's no problem. I'm Elvira.
We still look like the Judds from Hell.
[Later]
AMAnne Marie
I can't believe you both came as Cher.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
CChuckie
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it wouldn't be Halloween unless the Conners overdid it, so without further ado...
[from behind the curtain] Hey, Chuckie, just do it like we told you.
CChuckie
Oh, okay. [Takes card from under hat and reads] "Fellow lodge members, we had booked a fabulous act to entertain you tonight, but unfortunately they died. But the show must go on, so here they are, fresh from the cemetery, please welcome..." Oh, man. "Deadgar Bergen and Mortuary Snerd."
JJerry
[talking about a Halloween prank Dan and Roseanne pulled on Kathy earlier] Oh boy, I gotta tell you Dan, Kathy was so mad about that, she didn't say a word to me all day.
Well I guess you owe me a beer, Jer.
JJerry
[chuckling] Yea, I guess I do.
It's official, I'm settling for Arnie.
So you want to just take off and leave the kids?
Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!
Marriage stinks, with a capital SUCK!
Ahh... Becky? D.J. made a sundial out of birth control pills!
What?
It even tells the days of the week.
Gotta go, Mom. Love you. [hangs up the phone]
Geez, Mom went to Vegas without these? She really is a gambler.
They're not Mom's.
D.J., Jackie's probably looking all over for these! Listen, you are not to take these to school, understand? Now you go and find something else to make your sundial out of.
Okay, I'll go put these back in your drawer. [leaves]
[at a customer] You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes ya did. Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?
[on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
Eat it or wear it.
[Roseanne, who is struggling to quit smoking, is serving a customer who is smoking a cigarette.]
Can I help you?
CCustomer
Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?
Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.
[scolding Roseanne after her outburst above] This is a luncheonette, not the Betty Ford Clinic. Be psychotic on your own time.
Mmmm, what smells good?
Prime rib, baked potatoes and all the trimmings.
Say, that does smell good. What are we having?
Somethin' I need scissors for.
You know, I don't believe you Darlene. I help you out with your paper and you get me nailed for it.
Look, I apologized for that yesterday. Besides, I didn't ask for your help. You just felt sorry for me and I don't need your damn pity.
Are you kidding? You're begging for it. [mocking Darlene] "Oh, high school is too hard. My friends don't like me. Nobody understands me." Well, then DO something about it, you little wimp!
Shut up, Becky! You don't know what you're talking about!
Of course not, 'cause you're so complex, you're so deep. Well, that's crap. You're just a whiny little basketcase who's milking this depression thing for all it's worth. So here it is, four in the afternoon and you get to do exactly what you want, well, way to go. Now excuse me, but I got a zillion chores to do or Mom and Dad are gonna kick my butt.
We shouldn't even be sitting here watching TV. TV's the whole way my whole generation learned to smoke anyhow.
Oh, come on.
It's true, Jackie. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Gomez and Morticia smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, 99, the Chief, Hymie—and he was a robot, but he smoked. Patty smoked.
Cathy didn't.
I know, but they made her into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry, Millie smoked. I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked.
High school's just learning lies and telling lies.
Really, then how come you ain't gettin' any A's?
Hey, caveman, don't get fresh with me.
Not gettin' fresh with ya, I'm just friskin' you for silverware, you crazy bat!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.