Roseanne · Season 1
(Becky walks into the living room where Dan is reading the paper)
God, I hate my life!
Tough day, honey?
My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.
(still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.
And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.
Sorry, sweetheart.
And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.
(continuing to look at the paper) 'Night, Rosie.
Mark just gave me my Christmas present a little early.
What'd he give you.
[Becky holds out her hand, which has a ring on it. Dan jumps out of his chair in fright]
Dad, I'm kidding. I got it out of a gumball machine. It's a joke.
Don't you ever do that again.
Okay, I'm sorry, I thought you'd laugh.
No, that was not funny. That was cruel. [Looking out the kitchen window] Ooh, here comes your mom. Do it to her.
(Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying)
Maybe he needs to be changed.
I changed him five times already.
Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.
It was really weird. This commercial came on for cereal, talking about all the vitamins it has--B1, B6, B12. I turned around and she was gone.
Any of you ladies have a request?
How 'bout doing the dishes once in a while?
I don't know that one!
(meeting Darlene for the first time) I like your hair; it's totally out of control.
(This is the only time he's called Kevin. In his next appearance, it's changed to David.)
Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!
Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.
Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.
[Roseanne laughs from the other room]
Mother!
Well it was funny, Becky.
[writhing in pain after throwing her back out] I can't get up and I don't have one of those things! I shouldn't have laughed at that old lady on TV!
[after a doctor describes a breast reduction procedure, both Roseanne and Jackie have their arms crossed over their chests]
What sick Nazi man came up with this idea?
[describing her examination] Well, he said, "Put your clothes on, I'm done." Ya know, like any man.
[in a dream sequence, she looks at herself in the mirror after her surgery, sees her breasts which have been grotesquely enlarged instead of reduced, and screams]
Great, huh?
They were supposed to make 'em SMALLER!
This is better!
Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD!!!
Calm down, Mrs. Conner, calm down. I've got your Jell-O right here.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT HAPPENED?!
You had a breast enlargement.
And a great one!
I was supposed to have a REDUCTION! You made a mistake!
That's not true, Mrs. Conner. See, here's your release form, right there, there's your signature.
But my doctor told me what he was gonna do! Where is he? I wanna see my doctor! I wanna see him NOW!!!
Right away. [opens the door, calling as she leaves] Doctor, we need you!
[enters room] Yes? What's wrong, not big enough?
[still groggy after waking up from her dream] Oh, way ta go, Doogie!
I thought it was good to be a man.
Oh, no. Not since the late '60s, son
Hey Rosie, get this! Dean got hurt in football just like I did.
No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?
[Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!
What?
What are you doing upstairs with some boy?
Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
