Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

I'll get the tape.

Darlene

No, I'll get the tape.

Roseanne

I'll get my tubes tied.

I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate my face.

Darlene

That makes two of us.

Darlene

I figured a paper route was an easy way to make money.

Dan

Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.

What do you think you're doing?

Darlene

What does it look like, Einstein?

You're gonna die, you know that?

Darlene

From one cigarette?

Yeah: Mom and Dad are going to kill you.

Darlene

Will everybody stop talking about nightmares? I didn't have a nightmare!

Roseanne

If you didn't have a nightmare, then why'd you have trouble goin' to sleep?

Dan

Were you worried about your basketball game?

Darlene

No, I wasn't worried about my basketball game.

Roseanne

Did you screw up in history again Darlene?

Darlene

No, I didn't screw up in history again.

Roseanne

Well then, what is the matter?

Darlene

I got my period! Okay?

Darlene

Dad, I need money.

DJ

No, she doesn't!

Darlene

Go suck on a loafer. C'mon Dad, Mom won't gimme any!

Dan

She probably has a good reason.

Darlene

No, just cheapness.

Darlene

Do I HAVE to get dressed up for this boring dinner?

Roseanne

No, we're all dining naked.

Darlene

AGAIN?!

Darlene

This is great, now I gotta eat this stupid fish and wear this stupid dress...

Roseanne

And then you're gonna do the stupid dishes.

Darlene

So how long's Becky grounded for?

D.J.

What'd she do?

Roseanne

She forgot to gag Darlene like I told her.

Roseanne

I found it, Darlene!

Darlene

What?

Roseanne

The floor of your room!

Roseanne

[scolding Darlene for playing a prank during the tornado] That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!

Darlene

Yours or mine?

Roseanne

Your father's!

Darlene

Our stuff was lying all over the neighborhood!

Roseanne

What'd you bring it back for? This was my big chance to get rid of it.

Darlene

Will Dad have a third cup of coffee?

Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?

Roseanne

Will you get the hell out of my house?

Darlene

How's my baklava?

It's very hot. Don't touch it.

Darlene

[touches baklava] Ow!

Roseanne

You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?

Dan

[Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?

Darlene

Not all of her. If I were you I'd check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Darlene, you have such a big mouth.

Darlene

And you have such a small chest.

At least I have a chest!

Darlene

At least I'm not a drooling boy-crazed nymphomaniac.

Roseanne

Hey, leave me out of this!

You're just jealous 'cause I have a date.

Darlene

And a two-ply chest!

Hermaphrodite!

Darlene

[temporarily speechless] Oh yeah?! [leaves kitchen]