Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Dan

[after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me.

Dan

I'm gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.

Dan

There's a lot of excitement here at the Lanford Arena as we enter the second period of the Otters' home opener. The goalie is back from the restroom, and the action is resuming. The Cinderella story of the evening continues to be young D.J. Conner, on the ice much to the surprise of his entire family! There's a breakaway! There's a breakaway! Young Conner moves towards the goal! He shoots! Oh! He forgot the puck!

Dan

[after Roseanne tells him she feels too sick to have sex] Great, I shaved my armpits for nothin'. Unless... [he makes an armpit noise, then grins] Cool.

Dan

It's like a train wreck... A train wreck full of naked people.

Dan

Oh, did I say best man? I meant main man.

Dan

Look David, I ain't no philosopher. But everyone knows that there's good and there's bad, okay? Nobody thinks that the bad stuff is ever gonna happen to them, and then one day, wham! – all of a sudden it does. And you think that there's no way that you can go on. But the day goes by, and another day goes by, then a week, a month, a year. And when you look back, you'll say "Hey, I got through this. I don't know how, but I made it".

Dan

Honey, that's what kids do - they leave the nest.

Dan

Are you ever sorry we got married?

Roseanne

Every second of my life.

Dan

Me, too.

Roseanne

You are, really?

Dan

[thinks] Nah.

Roseanne

OK, me neither, then.

Roseanne

The point is, you think this is a magic kingdom where you just sit up here on your throne!

Dan

Oh yeah?

Roseanne

Yeah! And you think everything gets done by some wonderful wizard - oh, poof, the laundry's folded; poof, dinner's on the table!

Dan

You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne

Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!

Dan

think i can't cook? i can cook. i'm cooking.

Roseanne

and i'll spend the rest of the night washing up the dishes.

Dan

hey, i do the dishes.

Roseanne

when?

Dan

thursday, 6:45 p. m.

Roseanne

nineteen seventy what?

Dan

(About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.

Roseanne

You're not gonna get it.

Dan

There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.

Roseanne

And they're all better than you, I bet.

Dan

Hey, I'm pretty good.

Roseanne

You're not either.

Dan

I'm the best!

Roseanne

You're the worst!

Dan

I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dan

You only married me for my cooking.

Roseanne

Uh-uh. I married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding!

Jackie

She's always telling people how to live their lives...

Dan

Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.

Roseanne

[from outside] Well, I do!

Dan

It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.

Jackie

Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.

Roseanne

You knew when you married me that I had a sister!

Dan

But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.

Roseanne

Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.