Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

Will Dad have a third cup of coffee?

Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?

Roseanne

Will you get the hell out of my house?

Good afternoon, ma'am, and how are you? I would like a moment of your time.

Roseanne

[closes the door] I already been saved.

Roseanne

(Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!

Dan

Check it again!

Roseanne

I know how to count to zero!

Darlene

How's my baklava?

It's very hot. Don't touch it.

Darlene

[touches baklava] Ow!

Roseanne

You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?

[checks the body for a pulse] Yep, he's dead.

Roseanne

Well, there's that in-depth medical expertise we've been waitin' for.

Dan

Let me see if I got this straight: we need milk.

Roseanne

Milk.

Dan

We need eggs.

Roseanne

Eggs.

Dan

Bullets.

How long you been here, anyway?

Roseanne

Long enough.

Your, uh, personnel file says "11 years."

Roseanne

You know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but you see any of them around here?

[after Roseanne quits by dramatically punching out and tossing her time-card on the floor] Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne, but if any of you are considering joining her, may I point out there are two doors to this room: one that pays and one that doesn't.

Roseanne

I guess we're not going to make our quota today, Honey-bunch.

Jackie

It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right....What was your name again?

Roseanne

Sally Field!

Dan

[Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?

Darlene

Not all of her. If I were you I'd check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Darlene, you have such a big mouth.

Darlene

And you have such a small chest.

At least I have a chest!

Darlene

At least I'm not a drooling boy-crazed nymphomaniac.

Roseanne

Hey, leave me out of this!

You're just jealous 'cause I have a date.

Darlene

And a two-ply chest!

Hermaphrodite!

Darlene

[temporarily speechless] Oh yeah?! [leaves kitchen]

Darlene

[about what happened to Becky during her pep squad speech] Just as she completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.

Roseanne

What happened?

Darlene

Becky... cut... the cheese.

Roseanne

I heard you laid down the law.

Who told you?

Roseanne

It was on the news. ... Darlene told me.

Crystal

Lonnie told me about Becky's unfortunate accident. I'm so sorry.

Roseanne

Yeah, we're thinking about putting her to sleep.

Darlene

Hey Mom, whatcha workin' on?

Roseanne

Invoices. I'm ordering new children.

Darlene

Yeah? Well, why don't we trade Becky in for a partially tattooed Latin boy of sixteen?

Roseanne

'Cause that's my Christmas present to myself.

Dan

Hey, we missing an offspring?

Roseanne

 Yeah, where did ya think I got the bacon?