Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

This is great, now I gotta eat this stupid fish and wear this stupid dress...

Roseanne

And then you're gonna do the stupid dishes.

[about Johnny] It's none of your business!

Roseanne

It IS my business when you start sneakin' out of this house to meet some guy that I would consider leavin' your father for!

Darlene

So how long's Becky grounded for?

D.J.

What'd she do?

Roseanne

She forgot to gag Darlene like I told her.

Roseanne

I found it, Darlene!

Darlene

What?

Roseanne

The floor of your room!

Jackie

I suppose you're going to point the finger at me.

Roseanne

Yeah, and you know which one.

Roseanne

[examining D.J.'s artwork] This is a pretty picture. Is this one for school? There's Daddy and me, and Becky and you... where's Darlene?

D.J.

[points to a spot on picture] Right there.

Roseanne

That looks like a bunch of flowers.

D.J.

I know. That's her grave.

[yelling at Darlene] How come I found my new sweater in the bottom of your grungy closet?

Roseanne

Because everything in the free world is in the bottom of the grungy closet. So what else is new?

[frustrated at the washing machine] I HATE this house! Nothing ever works!

Roseanne

[cooking] Except me.

Crystal

I was on my way home from taking Lonnie downstate to his grandma's and almost lost control of the car. It's like the end of the world out there!

Roseanne

Great, no more Geraldo!

[about Darlene] Can't we have her put to sleep?

Roseanne

Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.

Roseanne

[scolding Darlene for playing a prank during the tornado] That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!

Darlene

Yours or mine?

Roseanne

Your father's!

Crystal

How do you like yours [marshmallows], Roseanne?

Roseanne

Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

Crystal

What was it?

Dan

Nothing.

Roseanne

I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!

Mom, can Darlene and I go and see what's left of the neighborhood?

Roseanne

Yeah, be careful where you walk though, and no looting unless it fits me.

Darlene

Our stuff was lying all over the neighborhood!

Roseanne

What'd you bring it back for? This was my big chance to get rid of it.