Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

You act like some big high-and-mighty, self-righteous, pedestal-type person, and you poo-poo everything in my life.

Roseanne

Yeah, and you go right for your addictive behavior. Uh, because you cannot handle conflict. That is the whole thing: you cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on Oprah: People who cannot handle conflict, so right away, they run for the alcohol.

Jackie

Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne. You know, people who live in glass houses shouldn't eat stones.

Jackie

Roseanne, Goodbye.

Roseanne

Oh, Jackie, Grow up!

Jackie

Oh, Go to Hell! (Slams the door)

Roseanne

This IS Hell!

Dan

I didn't tell you to quit your job.

Roseanne

The hell you didn't!

Dan

The hell I DID! I told you if you wanted to quit your job, you should go ahead and quit your job. I was trying to support you.

Roseanne

Ha ha. You told me to quit my job and now you resent me because I did!

Dan

Bull, bull, bull.

Roseanne

You're all the time picking at me and making little cracks!

Dan

We always make little cracks. We always make little jokes. That's how we are! THAT'S WHY WE GET ALONG SO WELL!

Roseanne

(to Becky about Darlene) You can't take her to that party. There'll be boys there.

Darlene

There are boys at school and you let me go there.

DJ

I can't work this damn thing.

Roseanne

Where'd you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a VCR.

Dan

Damn, this thing's heavy. Oh!

Roseanne

Shut up! Twist on it. Now turn it this way. You're hitting the fucking table!

Dan

Fuck the table. Open the door!

Roseanne

Wait! get off my fucking foot. You got to pull it straight back. All right, We have to make a big fucking turn here.

Dan

Honey, help me out here. Help straighten me out here.

Roseanne

Wait. wait. wait. O.k., take it back. Straight! O.k., now pull it outwide to the right. The right! out this way. O.k., now straighten it out. O.k. No! you're hitting the door. O.k., a little more this way. This way. This way. O.k., straight. O.k.

Dan

I'm going to kill the son of a bitch if I ever see him again.

Then you open your mouth a little bit.

Darlene

You open your mouth?! For what?!

Roseanne

[walking into the bedroom] So, you can slip him the tongue.

When you first met Dad, did you want to kiss him all the time?

Roseanne

Well, somebody had to do it. And you know me: work, work, work.

Roseanne

No, I got a heli-port on the roof.

Arnie

Cool.

Jackie

Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?

Roseanne

Oh yeah, she was scary.

Who's Mrs. Osmand?

Jackie

Oh, she was this madwoman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.

Roseanne

Too bad she never did it on Halloween.

Jackie

Hey, sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?

Roseanne

Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.

Darlene

Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?

Roseanne

If she's truly insane she will.

Roseanne

I love my children.

Then why did you murder them!

Roseanne

Your honor, all I wanted was 10 minutes alone in my own bathroom!

Roseanne

You can't put someone on the stand I already killed!

Jackie

Allegedly killed, your Honor.

Overruled.

Roseanne

And don't say a thing to mom about you being a cop.

Jackie

Why not?

Roseanne

Because I don't want her dropping dead of a heart attack at the dinner table!

Dan

Why not?

Roseanne

I guess so...

Well why didn't she say something to me about it?

Jackie

I don't want to talk about this anymore! (starts sobbing)

Roseanne

Well that's one thing I love about this family, we don't want to talk about something, so we bring it up at the dinner table! Here! Have some turkey! (slaps down a grotesquely carved turkey)

Darlene

I don't want to be expressive! I couldn't care less about poetry! I just want to graduate high school so I can get on with my life, so I can get a job and get out of this hellhole town!

Roseanne

But if you could be expressive, what would you say?