HRHiring Robot
You call yourselves car washers? You can't even dance!
Are those things related?
FRFemale Robot Executive
Of course, car washes are all about dancing, and you two better get your act together because Car Wash Nationals are this Sunday.
HRHiring Robot
Yes, a competition where car washes are judged on dancing and washing that dates back to the 1920s.
[Quick scene shows the Car Wash Nationals from the 1920s]
FRFemale Robot Executive
It's the biggest sporting event in the country, and everyone's training for it.
[All car wash employees are training for the competition]
This is ridiculous! That place has four people who are just back-up dancers and never touch the cars!
HRHiring Robot
We've won the last two titles, and if we win this year, we'll be the first car wash to ever win the three-peat.
FRFemale Robot Executive
This is our chance to make the history books. [sternly] So don't ruin it for us.
Oh, man. She is blatantly hitting on me.
[Cut to the trio's apartment]
You didn't tell us we were entering a dance competition!
I said it was an important time for the car wash. That wasn't clear?
But you said you'd cover for me.
Yeah, but we can't do this. We've practiced all day. We're not championship-level dancers!
You're telling me. I bet you don't even know the difference between a basket toss and a full-down.
How can we have fun with it?! The stakes are enormous, and it's in front of MILLIONS OF PEOPLE!
I feel like they're not having fun with it.
[in unison] SHUT IT, BUG! This is your fault! Get your smug attitude outta here!
[in unison] THAT'S ENOUGH! I am so sick of you! I will basket toss you outta here!
Guys, guys, relax. You're putting too much pressure on yourselves. All you have to do is learn the routine and end with the reverse triple corkscrew window wash.
Oh, man, this is the best team we could assemble? Lou, Potato, Female Birthday Cop, Creepo the Stinkboy, Sal Garbanzo, and a polar bear.
No one even knows the routine! Also, Lou told me he just had a big meal.
Oh, great. Now we're gonna humiliate ourselves in front of the whole world. Robo Car Wash won't make the history books, and we're gonna let down Rock.
[turns on the lights after he and his friends make hand shadows] Gotta admit, we're a pretty incredible trio.
Oh, I meant to ask… I was looking up other fun stuff for us to try. Wanna go cherry picking?
[dumbfounded] Cherry picking?! I'd rather sleep next to a grizzly bear with violent night terrors.
I'd rather wear underwear made of porcupine needles. I'd rather attend a 9-hour recital of beginner violinists. I would rather run a 10K in a hailstorm, naked on hot coals, and then clean the elephant pen at the zoo with my bare hands!
RReporter
One cherry picking trip later…
[sitting in the sofa on his phone as his friends return] So, how was cherry picking? The pits? [snickers]
[entering the trio's apartment with Paper] Guys! Paper and I made a cloning device!
I did nothing and she knows it, but isn't she amazing?!
Scissors, can we test it on your goldfish?
[sitting on the sofa, sadly sulking] As long as you don't hurt her. Sometimes that little fish feels like the only thing that cares about me, that listens, that lets me finish my--
[walking up to him] What's wrong, buddy? Feeling sad that you're unemployed? Or out of shape? Or--
Rock, stop guessing. [sighs sadly] I just got dumped… again. She said she didn't want to see me anymore for, quote, "too many reasons to list."
Hey, don't feel bad just 'cause a few women turned you down.
Just 'cause a few hundred women turned you down. You're one of the most lovable people I know, and my life is better because you're in it.
[cheered up] Thanks, Rock. You're very good to me.
AVAlgebra Villain
The fate of your train rests on Paper's ability to solve this algebra problem. [pulls the blanket off a marker board, showing an algebra question] "A train leaves the station 5:00 AM at 60 miles per hour. Another train leaves the station at 6:00 AM at 80 miles per hour traveling the same direction. At what time will they meet?"
[takes the marker out of her hand] Trick question. They've already met.
AVAlegbra Villain
It's not a riddle.
Dang it. [walks up to his sister; whispers] Okay, you know what to do here.
I do. [cracks her knuckles] Teach you algebra.
What?! No! Just take out the villain with your action skills.
Sorry, Paper. I'm with her. This is literally a teachable moment.
PPassenger
[impatient] Come on, man. Just solve the problem!
P2Passenger #2
[also impatient] Yeah, this is kindergarten math!
You're on her side, too?! Ugh! This could not be more ridiculous.
Paper, you just don't get it.
Oh, come on! You guys aren't doing anything hardcore.
Sure we are. I'm crocheting a scarf.
And I'm learning pointillism.
Fine. I can do those things too.
Paper, copying is not hardcore.
Paper, you broke the rules of storytelling?
That's as hardcore as it gets!
Really? So I can get my old room back?
Great. Scissors, are you wearing Rock's shorts again?
[wearing Rock's favorite pair of shorts] Uh, well, Mr. Parmesan was having so many parties. There was no time to do laundry. I mean-- [cut to him cramped up in Mr. Parmesan's mouse hole] This isn't fair! I can't fold like Paper can!
[Scissors is leaving the ice skating arena while talking with his therapist, Maya, on the phone]
Maya, I appreciate you checking on me, but I've felt great since I started figure skating. I think I can go without therapy for ten days.
MMaya
[on the phone with Scissors while the taxi driver takes her and her husband to the airport] Are you sure? Because you have a history of not respecting my boundaries when I'm on vacation.
[Flashback shows Scissors showing up at her wedding in Morocco]
[frantically] Paper made fun of my hair, and I need to talk about it right now!
MMaya
I can't believe you flew to Morocco.
[Cut back to him walking through the park]
I promise I'll be fine. I'll see you when you get back. [hangs up and nearly passes by the Rat Bros, who were already there, weightlifting]
Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
Hey, look at Mr. Glitter Pants! Are you gonna put on skates and glide around gracefully? [he and his brothers laugh teasingly]
Yeah, that's what figure skating is.
You gonna zip and whoosh and whoop-de-doo?
[Brody, Brogan and Derf laugh hysterically]
You're just saying nonsense in a bullying tone. [then runs away, crying like a baby, when Logan makes mockery nonsense at him]
Paper, how are you not sobbing? I mean, the love, the loss, the CGI monkey with a heart of gold!
I don't know. People cry at different things.
And when's the last time you cried? When the Whos in Whoville sang their Christmas song?
Are you saying I'm the Grinch?
MMaya
Scissors, you can't come with me, but you'll be okay. I'm going to refer you to my colleague, Dr. Carnahan. I think you'll really like him.
[Scissors is then sitting in the waiting room outside of Dr. Carnahan's office]
[thinking it's Logan in disguise; disbelieved] You gotta be kidding me.
[Little later, inside the office…]
So, Scissors, I understand you're dealing with a bully.
And how would you describe him? A malicious person or just not a very nice… bro?
Is this a prank? Are there cameras here?!
How 'bout this? Let's pretend I'm your bully. [speaking in a British accent] 'Ello, Scissors. Ready for some verbal lashing?
Why are you doing an accent?
I'm just guessing. I don't know this man.
Okay, I am not doing this. [starts to walk out the door, about to leave]
Listen. Can I give you some advice? Oftentimes, bullying is a cry for help, so you have to figure out what your bully needs help with. Get him to open up. And you can do that by being vulnerable first.
All right. If you think it'll work.
[In the park… The Rat Bros are weightlifting when Scissors shows up]
Hey, look. It's Mr. Glitter Pants!
[laughs] It's even funnier the second time!
You know, Logan, it hurts when you make fun of figure skating because it means a lot to me. When I first started, I couldn't even stand on the skates. But now, when I glide and spin on the ice, it reminds me just how much I can accomplish and the power I have inside. And every so often, time slows down, and I feel like I'm exactly who I want to be.
Scissors, I had no idea how important figure skating was to you. So I turned your ice rink into a pool for unshowered hairy guys.
[Scissor reacts with horror]
[talking to Dr. Carnahan, still believing it's Logan] What's your deal, man?! You're all supportive in here, but then I go out there, and this guy is nowhere to be found!
Well, it would be unprofessional if I saw you outside the office. [Scissors screams in irritation] I think you should open up to your bully again. Breaking down someone's walls takes time, and you may have planted a seed.
[having enough] No! I am done with your traps! I'll find some other way to handle this. [thrives over to the door, starting to leave]
Wait. This bullying got worse when you started figure skating, right? Well, if I were to venture a guess, I think your bully's upset because your involvement in figure skating makes him… jealous. [voice-over during a flashback of a teenager Logan in his high school years] Perhaps he wanted to be a figure skater, too, but the other kids bullied him for doing an activity boys didn't really do at the time. And maybe he went to a bro-y school where the cool thing to do was wear backwards hats and lift weights. So in order to survive, he gave up what he loved most. [end of flashback] So I wonder if… and again, just guessing… your bully is taking out his childhood frustration on you for pursuing the dream he never could.
[approaching the Rat Bros at the park] Hey, Logan, this is for ruining my skate rink! [runs away, stealing the cleaning wipes for their equipment]
He took the wipes we use to clean the equipment!
We can't lift without those! IT'S UNSANITARY!
GET HIM! [he and his brothers chase after Scissors all the way downtown to the ice skating arena, and find him standing on the ice rink as the lights come on; surprised] There's another ice rink?
There wasn't, but it turns out, unshowered hairy guys are great builders. I have an extra pair of skates. [takes out another pair of ice skates, begging Logan to come forth] You can be exactly who you want to be.
I get it now. You wanted someone to help you figure skate again.
[baffled] Again? I've never figure skated in my life.
What are you talking about? Isn't that why you bullied me? Wasn't this the cry for help?
No, I just bullied you 'cause I thought figure skating was for dorks. But this opened up so many emotional doors I didn't know I had. I should talk to a therapist about it. [cut to him visiting Dr. Carnahan's office, revealing they're both the same person]
Well, this clears up a lot.
