Rock Paper Scissors · Season 1
[The trio are flying in the sky on their Susan vehicle with 500 tubs of cheeseburger flavored ice cream]
Hurry, Paper! Our 500 tubs of limited edition cheeseburger ice cream are melting!
I'm going as fast as I can, but I can't see through the clouds!
It's not gonna make it! We need to eat it all now!
Rock!
NO!
[after the trio crashes through the roof of his house] What on earth is going on?
[all surprised] Henry Winkler?!
Yup, it's me. [to the viewers] I actually said yes to this.
[screams in excitement] Mr. Winkler, I am your biggest fan! I love your acting, your children's books, you can do no wrong.
I guess you didn't see my off-Broadway version of Kinky Boots.
[on recording] I'm Paper.
[on recording] I'm Scissors.
And we're gonna kidnap you, Henry Winkler. [as the cops put him and Scissors in the back of the police car] We didn't say that! How did you--
Looks like you boys are going away. For a long time. [snickers evilly]
Man! He's a good actor.
You guys?! How did you get out of prison?
Well, thanks to you, we now know one of us is good at opening locks.
[as Paper uses him to cut the locks on the gate] Ah! Paper, you know I have teeth!
Time to put you away and clear our names.
Good news, friends. Things have been going swimmingly with me and my special lady.
Special lady?
Are you 90?
[looking at a photo of him and Pencil playing around with an electric plasma ball] I can't even remember the last time I did something embarrassing around her. Oh. Yes, I can.
Paper, I think you confused Toluene with Toluidine.
Oh. How embarrassing. [lets out a flatulence] I'm having a bad day. Anyway, I'm going to meet her tonight for a romantic dinner, tell her how I feel, and ask her to be my girlfriend. If she says yes, I'll feel like the luckiest man alive. And if she says no, I'll turn into a red-hot ball of inexhaustible rage and take it out on all of you guys. But who knows? [skips away]
Wanna film that for our channel?
Worth a shot. Maybe it'll appease Grandma.
I always knew you were into me. But I should warn you, I'm a heartbreaker.
Potato, listen, I don't want this.
Oh, my gosh! You need this?
This is out of control.
I get it, Paper. I'm super desirable. There's a reason they call me "Hot Tots."
No one calls you that.
[entering Pencil's apartment] Hot Tots! Say it ain't so! You broke up with me for him?!
Bruiser, get out of here.
[pointing to Paper] So you're the guy who think he's good enough for Potato.
No!
Paper, of course you're good enough.
[types a text to Pencil on his phone saying: "You're the love of my life. Let's buy a house in Nebraska and start a family."] Way too strong. [types a different text saying: "Can we talk when I get back? It's important.", and sends it to her]
Paper?
Potato. Uh, hey. I actually wanted to…
This isn't working.
Sorry?
Look, it's been fun here in Hawaii, and you're a great guy, but… I don't think we're a good match.
Are you… breaking up with me?
We just got to this point so fast, you know? I mean, I'm looking at us and feeling like… I don't even know how I got here.
Wow. Um… Yeah, no, uh… That's fine. I, uh… want the same thing.
Exercise is important. It's good for your heart, it's good for your brain. You guys are so sedentary, you're practically koalas.
Hey! That's a hurtful stereotype and… [quickly goes to sleep]
Also, we just did a workout last week.
[sarcastically] Yeah? How'd that go?
[Flashback to last week at the pool]
All right, ladies, let's get those hands up and flap those pool noodles!
This is hard. Let's go eat cake.
[Back to the present]
You three need to stop making excuses. This is just like when Paper used to write fake notes from Mom to get out of gym class. [Paper gives her a note; reading] "Please excuse Paper from Sandpaper's workout. He has a broken…" [stops reading] Really? You're still doing this? [unplugs their video game system, shutting off the TV]
Hey!
Hey!
[yells frantically as his friends look at him; calmly] Sorry.
Sandpaper, give that back!
I'll give it back when you complete one of my workouts. And I promise, when you see the results, you won't care about video games anymore. [takes away three Jane Austen novels as well] And no Jane Austen novels either.
What?!
Awww!
Come on!
Are you eating pancakes?
[munching on pancakes while light jogging] I'm carbo loading. All athletes do it.
The day before the workout.
Yeah, I'm gonna take workout advice from the guy exercising in jeans. [referring to Paper]
[as he and his friends find themselves in a jungle] Where are we?
[on laptop] Welcome to the jungle! You've been dropped in the middle of Africa. And to finish this workout, you must get to a helicopter 50 miles north of here. That's where I'll be to fly you home.
[A map shows the trio's location spot where it's 50 miles north from the helicopter]
She does this for everyone?
But between here and the chopper, you'll have to get through a series of rigorous, led-based exercises. So let's jump into the first one: pin this warthog!
Scissors, stop carbo loading!
[eating an entire wedding cake] Mmm. I can't help you. I'm only halfway through this wedding cake.
[starting to feel sick while gagging] Rock, stop running. I'm gonna throw up!
Scissors, come on!
We're so close!
[placing his hands on his bloated stomach; weakly stuffed] Uh, I don't feel good. It's probably all the pancakes, lasagna, entire wedding cake, and 40 pounds of honey I ate offscreen.
Hey, Rock. Did you hear the good news? Potato won the International Genius Award! She learned how to save endangered animals by splicing in her own DNA. [shows him the video on her phone]
Hey, I'm the three-potatoed sloth. Who's down for nachos?
You witch! Why did you tell me this?!
What's the problem?
Now I have to keep this from Paper. He's in a bad place right now, and if he found out, it would crush him!
Okay, then don't tell him.
You don't understand. I CAN'T KEEP A SECRET!
[Paper goes to Pencil's apartment and asks if he can use her time machine to go back in time and teach cavemen to play ice hockey]
Paper, this is the ninth time you've asked to borrow my time machine.
For science.
And you always say that, but it's usually for something selfish, like winning a game of hide and seek, or making yourself the inventor of the airplane.
[chastising the Wright Brothers while flying his own handmade airplane] More like the Wrong Brothers! [laughs]
Now be honest, is this for science or something selfish? And before you answer, I saw you on that panel show.
[After a brief pause… Paper shoots a dart at her, causing her to fall asleep]
I'm sorry, Pencil! I'm so sorry!
Well, Paper, you look very foolish. Opposite Day's over by the way.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rock Paper Scissors pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
