Rock Paper Scissors · Season 1
[Paper takes away Rock and Scissors' phones for confiscation, forcing them to spend quality with him in putting together a puzzle]
Hey!
Give it back!
You know, I just want us all to connect, but you're always on your phones.
Name one comedic example.
[The Rat Bros are in Derf's room, hearing the trio arguing from underneath after drawing on Derf's face with a marker while he's asleep]
Those guys are so inconceivable.
Wait. Who is that? [points to Scissors, and pats him on the head, mistaking him for a dog] Look at you! You are such a good boy!
[baffled] Does he think I'm a dog?
[throws a ball] Fetch!
I mean, I'm gonna get the ball. It's a cool ball.
[turns to Rock] Rock, your dog is amazing!
Uh, that's not my dog.
So it's a stray? I must have it! [to Scissors] How'd you like to come live with your new doggie daddy?
Dude, I'm not a dog.
[as the veterinarian checks his ears] This is great! They got rid of all my worms and fleas!
How is none of this bothering you? Don't you feel shame?
Normally? Every waking second. But all that shame goes away when I'm surrounded by expensive things.
[off-screen] Doggie! I got you a new toy! [presents Scissors a helicopter]
[laughs] I don't know what he thinks a dog is, but I wanna keep being one!
[While the trio are fighting against Dr. Big Bat over a big strawberry, Paper gets a reminder on his phone for his annual family get-together]
Oh, no.
What?
Oh, no.
What? What is it?
I totally forgot. Today's my annual family get-together.
Oh, well, we can reschedule, if you need to go.
No, it's not that. It's… [sighs deeply] I come from a family of very high achievers. There's my sister, Sandpaper, an action movie star. My brother, Toilet Paper, a popular stand-up comedian. My mom, Newspaper, an award-winning journalist. My dad, Parchment Paper, a famous pastry chef. And then there's me… the dud.
Wait, why is your name the only one that's not a specific type of paper?
I actually go by my middle name. My full name's Plain Paper.
What?! [laughs] That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! I'm gonna get as much mileage out of that as possible!
Every time we get together, my family goes around the table and says what they accomplished in the last year. Everyone says something incredible until it gets to me. I share something stupid… then my family says, "Wow, Paper. That's really something." And then they give me a cookie. I've always wanted to do something incredible, but nothing I do is. And don't want to be humiliated again.
[Paper arrives at his family home where his family is in the living room, watching home movies]
You're just in time for home movies.
There I am, recording my first special.
There I am, practicing my kicks.
And there's Paper. Is he gonna mix those chemicals?
[laughs] You always had the highest hospital bills.
[enters with a cake] Okay, time to eat. I hope everyone like Forever Cake.
[on the phone] Lou here, ready for adventures! [disappointed] Oh, it's the dentist.
Paper? What's going on? And why are your friends here?
We kidnapped Paper too?
Because we have beef and… Uh… Come back to me.
What's going on is I don't want to go back to that table! You don't know how humiliating it is to hear about all the incredible things you do every year because I never do any myself. [to Sandpaper] You're working on big action movies, [to his mother] you're breaking national news, and I'm just Plain Paper. That's why I staged this kidnapping. Rock, Scissors, and I were fighting Dr. Big Bat over a giant strawberry we grew for the county fair, and we thought he'd make a good kidnapper. But then you got through all the bats, so I had to call a bunch of people I met over the past year. Like the ghosts we befriended when we tried to get the perfect holiday picture, the tortoises I accidentally made huge from toxic ooze and taught martial arts in the sewer, and the Hipponoids from the time I stopped their invasion and saved Earth.
Hold on. You did all that in the last year?
[sadly] Yeah, I go on a lot of silly adventures.
Paper, that's not silly at all.
It's not?
Are you kidding? Who goes on adventures like that?
Yeah, that's… That's incredible!
Ah, that's why I should've said.
[in Bikini Bottom of SpongeBob's world] I don't think I'm in the right show anymore.
[Inside Scissors' head, he is standing on the beach, gazing at the cow-tsunami coming towards him]
[sadly] Our tradition is ruined. We don't have snacks, my friends are gone, and I'm just a cow. A big, dumb cow.
Then take off the costume.
I can't, Max. I'm only wearing underwear.
[kneels down to him] You can still get the job done. Because what do I always say?
Everybody gets down sometimes, but the important thing is to get back up, because up is the opposite of down and staying down just means you've given up, but I never give up, I only get down, because I'm Max Moonami, the guy who rides cows.
That's right.
Hey, Max… thanks.
Don't thank me, Scissors. I just exist in your head.
Wait, so I can't do it?
Uh, don't think about it. [to the camera] Quick. Zoom out! Zoom out!
[Zoom out of Scissors' head; He takes off his cow costume and sets it down on the three reserved seats for Rock, Paper, and himself, leaving him in his underwear]
Nobody sit here!
Guys, you should be happy for me. I've been searching forever to find my defining thing, and I really think this is it.
In fairness, you say that a lot. Remember when you thought your thing was being a foreign translator?
What the heck is going?! I came here to do evil, and now I'm just making smoothies!
Yes, sometimes you have to open a juice shop to fund the evil-doing. What do you think I pay the henchmen with? Words of affirmation?
Wouldn't mind it.
Scissors? What's wrong?
I can't do this.
Because you realized you don't want to hurt us and you're not actually evil?
No. It's just… [steps forward] This plan took so long. I mean, months of tedious labor for one moment of excitement? I can't live like that. I… [sighs] I don't think I have the patience to be a supervillain. I really thought this was gonna be my defining thing, but now… I just feel lost.
Hey, man, you'll find it.
[steps forward and kneels down] Yeah, part of finding your thing is finding what your thing isn't.
[smiles lightly] You're right. I just gotta keep searching. Thank you, Dreamscape.
[Rock is sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and an ice pack on his head, feeling really sick]
[disgusted] Ugh, Rock, are you-- [Rock starts coughing] Are you-- [Rock coughs more and harder] Rock, are you okay?!
No. I got a nasty bug.
Hi, how ya doing?
Gross.
Hey, I don't come to your work and call you gross. You know, 'cause you don't have a job.
[sniffs sadly; voice breaking] Rock did say it was nasty.
I probably got it from working too much. Between Franz and the robot car wash…
You still work at the car wash?
I also worked at a climbing gym, but I just got fired.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rock Paper Scissors pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
