Nice Scissors quotes from Rock Paper Scissors

Paper

I don't understand.

Scissors

You're smarter than us, you're nicer than us, you're at least 15 other things better than us. What's wrong with you guys?!

You tell us. We're always willing to grow.

Hey, you seem upset. Why don't we all go to the couch and talk about our feelings?

Rock

You fly too?!

Why won't you let me do the trick?!

Scissors

Because it makes me feel uncool!

What are you talking about? You're effortlessly cool! The only way I can feel cool is by doing magic!

Scissors

I find that hard to believe, 'cause everything about you is cool! You're stylish and confident and turn horses into dragons!

But you never blink an eye! I've done so many horrible things to you and you always say you can live like this!

Scissors

YOU'RE THE COOLEST PERSON I KNOW!

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!

Paper

I can't believe that worked.

Scissors

I know. It went exactly like I-[pukes on the ground] Oh, whatever.

Sandpaper

You're the vomit boy?

Scissors

That was one time and it hasn't happened si- [pukes on the ground again] Oh, why?

Rock

Guys! We got more holiday cards!

Paper

[disappointed] Man, everyone looks so perfect in these photos-- Lou, the Rat Bros, even Crazy-Eyed Pirate.

Rock

Who?

Scissors

I don't know. We met a lot of wacky characters. It's hard to keep track.

Paper

Why can't we take a good holiday picture? Every year, something goes wrong. There was that year Rock's head got stuck in a honey jar, the year we had broccoli in our teeth, the year we were all 8-bit, the year Scissors went Super Saiyan.

Scissors

That year was awesome!

Paper

And the year Rock dressed up as some old cartoon character.

Rock

You didn't enjoy "Rocko, Paper, Scissors"?

Paper

Eh, it was okay.

Scissors

I liked that show. The main guy was always like… [imitating Rocko's voice] "Hey, mate, I'm Rocko, and I have a dog named Spunky. He-he." [normally] Or something like that. I don't do a very good impression.

Paper

I just want one perfect holiday photo.

Rock

Wait. Where is your chain?

Scissors

Oh! Toast Ghost is covering it! Aw, man! Now the caption doesn't make any sense!

Scissors

[bitter with jealousy] So, we're just not gonna talk about Paper's clothes.

Paper

Whatever do you mean?

Rock

Guys, let's be peaceful.

Scissors

I mean, you're wearing scrubs. You are not a doctor, and yet, you are wearing the clothes a doctor wears.

Paper

Oh, is that what these are? I thought they were pajamas.

Scissors

And the stethoscope?

Paper

I thought it was a necklace.

Scissors

Yeah? You wear necklaces now?

Rock

Scissors, take a breath.

Scissors

This is insane! He's so desperate for respect, he put on scrubs so people think he's a doctor. Well, no one's buying it, Paper!

Wow, a real-life hero! [offers Paper to sign his autograph] How can I be a doctor one day?

Paper

I'll say this, it's more than just putting on the clothes.

Scissors

That's literally all he did!

Rock

Let's ask why this upsets you.

Scissors

Rock, you went on one meditation retreat, you're not some wise, old sage. [points to Paper] And he's not a doctor! I bet he can't even tell you what hospital he works at!

Scissors

[grumbles annoyingly] I'm gonna get more respect than you, Paper. And I know someone's society respects even more than doctors. [walks off and comes back, wearing a basketball jersey]

Paper

What are you wearing?

Scissors

A basketball jersey… Which I guess makes me a professional basketball player.

Paper

Oh, please. You really think people are going to believe that you're…

Ronald Jamison!

Scissors

Come on, Paper, I'm really hurt! Just admit you're not a doctor!

Paper

Only if you admit you're not Ronald Jamison!

Scissors

Why don't I admit myself to the hospital…where you don't work!

Rock

[to Scissors] Listen, Scissors. It would really help the owner if you started paying for curly fries.

Scissors

Oh, naive Rock, always trying to help. Don't you know how life works? You don't win by helping. You win by taking advantage, and exploiting deals for all... they're... worth! [laughs maniacally as lightning bolts flash behind him] Man, these deals make me a maniac.

Rock

I like to believe that if you reach out your arms to others, their arms will reach back out to you.

Scissors

You also believe the Earth is heart-shaped. I can't trust anything you say.

Rock

Then how about this? I challenge you to a game of bowling. If I win, you have to start paying for curly fries. But if you win, you get the bowling alley.

Scissors

Seriously? I mean, yeah, of course. That's a very uneven deal.

Scissors

[disappointed] I was awful back there. I know I'll probably just find another deal and do this all again.

Rock

Don't worry, Scissors. I found one deal I do want you to take advantage of. [hands him a letter]

Scissors

[reads the letter] "Buy five sessions, get the sixth free!" [later cut to him talking to a therapist] I will take advantage of this therapy deal. I will exploit it to the ends of the Earth! [lightning bolts flash behind him once again]

And where do you think that comes from?

Scissors

[starts crying] I don't know!

I hang out in abandoned petting zoos. My favorite part of the popsicle is the stick. I hiss at passing cars. [hisses at a car that just passed him] I have a lot of chest hair in this jar! [holds up a jar of his chest hair]

Creepo, why can't you be more like me? Dave.

Rock

See?

Logan

[enters the trio's apartment] I heard you guys got Stephernie. I got Stephernie!

Brody

I got Fire Hydrant.

Lou

[sliding in] I got Dave!

Scissors

Sure.

Logan

I see that.

Paper

Me too.

Rock

How? How do you see that?

Logan

Hey, some Stephernies and I are having a party to watch the 1,000th episode. Now that we're all Stephernies, I'm willing to put aside our differences if you want to come. [he, Paper, and Scissors all hold hands and squeal in joy]

Logan

[answers the door] Come in! I see you brought pizza, as a Stephernie would. Please, put it on the table and join the party.

Scissors

Wow, check out all these other Stephernies. Baron Von Snootsberg, Robot Executive.

Paper

Sandpaper, you're a Stephernie, too?

Sandpaper

Of course, we're both career women, and we both have a secret love of ribbon dancing. [gasps] Oh, no. Secret's out.

Scissors

[noticing something] Wait a minute! Someone brought pepperoni pizza, when everyone knows Stephernie's favorite topping is an entire Thanksgiving dinner! Someone here is not a Stephernie! [the others gasp in shock] No one's going anywhere, even if it takes all week, we will find the imposter, and when we do, there will be a severe punishment.

Scissors

I will find this imposter by testing all of you on details only a true Stephernie would know. [to Sandpaper] What's Stephernie's last name?!

Sandpaper

Stephernie.

Scissors

Good. [to Baron Von Snootsberg] Walk like Stephernie! [Baron Von Snootsberg makes monkey moves around the room and hooting like monkey] Good. [to Female Robot Executive] In season 16, episode 2, what does Stephernie say when she arrives at her younger sister's lake house?

Oh, I don't know. You guys are going to kill me. I'm the fraud at the party!

Scissors

That's exactly what she said.

Paper

[nervously] Uh, I have to go to the bathroom… [everyone looks at him, suspicious] in a Stephernie way. [walks to the Rat Bros' bathroom like a monkey]

Yes, that checks out.

Scissors

Yeah, very Stephernie.

Rock

[on the phone with Paper] You snuck into a Stephernie party?! That is shameful behavior.

Paper

[hiding in the bathroom; on the phone with Rock, pacing back and forth] You just said you're breaking into a TV studio!

Rock

For my identity, Paper! My identity is at stake!

Paper

Look, I've never seen an episode. You gotta tell me everything you know about Stephernie.

Rock

Well, she's a pretty simple character. She has a degree in biochemistry, sleeps upside down, and fought in six wars.

Paper

What is this show?

Scissors

[standing up against the bathroom door, having to have heard everything] Not a Stephernie, huh?

Paper

[pleading for mercy] I'm sorry! I just wanted to be a part of something! Don't punish me!

Scissors

[kneels down] Who even are you? Brobby, the Wizard, Cheesy the Iguana?

Paper

Seriously, what is this show?

Scissors

I'm sorry, Paper. I should have never tried to dunk you in a vat of hot lava just for not identifying with the same fictional TV character.

Paper

And I'm sorry that-- [realizes] actually, my thing wasn't that bad.