Jerry quotes from Rick and Morty

Summer

Why are you dressed like Morty?

Jerry

Because Morty's mom is Beth!

I'm not unpacking that...

[scans himself with his probability meter] Okay. I'm just as likely to shit a balloon as I am to become a dolphin.

Jerry

Those are things that could happen?

Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else.

Ugh! I can't even pretend to feel useful in a game! This is how humanity's story ends?! Relieved of duty and sat at the kids' table?!

I gotta respect these dinosaurs. They dominated a whole species just by calling its bluff about wanting more free time.

They didn't even dominate us, because we're not worth a fight to them. We've become biological Tyler Perry movies.

All they've done is help.

We didn't need their help! We were not the problem! This house recycles! [notices a Velociraptor sorting their rubbish outside and shouts at it] THEY SORT IT AT THE TRASH FACILITY! [the raptor shakes its head disapprovingly at her]

Summer

[on her phone] What the "F"?! My dance videos are getting, like, zero likes now!

Oh yeah, the dinos kicked pedophiles off TikTok.

Summer

Great, so now I'm broke?!

You don't need money anymore.

Summer

So what's this for now? Phone calls?! Ugh! [throws her phone against the wall]

[to Rick] Oh, come on, Dad, you don't hate this too?

Why would I? I-I was already doing what I wanted. I do think it's kinda funny that you're all basically Jerry now.

Jerry, how do you do it?

Summer

Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?

How do you do it, Dad?

Jerry

Huh?

How do you do it?!

Jerry

[amazed] It's finally happened!

Is Dad okay?

Jerry

Yes, I'm just... writing my second book. I don't know what it's gonna be about, but I can tell you one thing - the title is "Jerry Smith Presents: A Book By Jerry Smith". Chapter one... [about five seconds of silence pass] FUCK!!!!!!!

Jerry

Rick, why is there a man shooting piss on our front lawn?

I'm sure he'll tell you.

I am Pissmaster! Here to flush the toilet that is Rick Sanchez!

Jerry

He's spraying my lavender bush! My bees need that lavender!

Remember five seconds ago when you guys were stoked about me changing, because it made you feel superior?

[peering through window] Ooh, whole family's here! Who's that redhead? Wouldn't mind spraying her with a golden shower!

Summer

Oh, my God, what?!

Hey!

Jerry

Okay, that's it! [stands up]

Jerry, please think about this. If you fight this guy, I'm either an asshole for not helping, or an asshole for helping.

Jerry

My daughter just got spoken of in porno terms, and I'll respond how I choose! [marches outside]

Wait! Morty, you have to promise not to tell anyone, but your dad made Pissmaster kill himself.

Oh, man, what?!

Yeah, I mean, I found him dead and I-I put on his suit, but look at this - he literally blames your dad. [gives Morty Pissmaster's note]

Holy shit... Wait, you kept the suicide note?! That's so messed up!

I know, I mean, I had to tell someone, Morty. I couldn't just sit on that--

And you expect me to?! [runs into the house]

Morty, no! What are you doing?!

Jerry

What the hell?! He KILLED HIMSELF?!

Jesus, Dad, you should've told us! Especially if Jerry murdered him!

Jerry

Wait, don't say that! I-I didn't murder!

Hey, I-I thought it was pretty cool that I withheld that information.

But you didn't withhold it! You're walking around with the note!

Summer

Yeah, Grandpa, you gotta, like, keep it in your heart as a great sacrifice. That's the cool move.

Jerry

I mean, how am I the bad guy? He sprayed piss on us! Y-You all cheered me on!

Don't drag us into this.

Summer

A man is dead, Dad.

Again, wasn't gonna say it, but I told you this would happen.

Oh, get off your high horse.

Dr. Wong would be so proud!

Summer

BOO!

Go ahead and boo! I was breathing piss, you think I care?

Jerry

Is this what it's like to trend? [sobbing] This is a nightmare! I should've just let him pee on my daughter...!

Summer

Eww! What the hell, Dad?!

Jerry, thank you for bringing me into the "rake situation". I've done all I can. I'm out.

Jerry

No surprise there. All that brain and you just waste it...

Ho-ho-hold up! [He pushes himself out from under the ship.] I waste my brain?!

Jerry

Yeah, Rick! Obviously, you were born smarter than me, but if I had your brain...?

"If you had my--" I am so sick of this "born smart" shit!

Jerry

Are you gonna kill me...?

I was born crying and pissing myself just like you! Then I became the smartest man in the universe, and do I get credit? No, I get to check my brain privilege!

Jerry

So we're swapping bodies?

No, that would be Freaky Friday, which is the ceiling of your grasp of consciousness. The brain is part of the body, Jerry; it's hardware. I'm gonna put my mind in your brain and your mind in my brain. Then we'll see the real definition of "waste", Jerry. Or, you know, admit genius isn't random and your failures are your own.

Jerry

[chuckles] Not doing that.

Thought as much.

Jerry

Rick, the guy's already kissing your ass.

It's the ass-kissers you have to keep in line. When they sense weakness, they move on you.

Jerry

What, are we Walter White?! Who cares if a mid-tier crime dork "moves on us"? Thank you for the crystals. Morty, get in the car.

Actually, Morty, why don't you leave those crystals here? Since it's such an insulting amount...

There it is! Now he's thinking "Oh, maybe I can kill God!"

Jerry

Yeah, because God doesn't haggle for ten thousand fucking croutons!

Oh, my god! Am I really about to die because you botched up Freaky Friday?!

Yes.

I want you to know, when this is over, the guy in this body is gonna yell at Jerry and call him useless, really lay into him... but he won't always mean it.

Jerry

Well, cards on the table, the guy in this body might call Rick an angry old asshole, but he's the closest thing Jerry has to a friend.

Jerry

They were delicious!

So keep eating them!

Jerry

We can't now!

Because of you! Sorry. Morty. That was terrible parenting. You did the quote-unquote "right thing". We are technically very happy to be better informed.

Jerry

First octopus, now this. Have we thought about just giving up and joining the fascist half of the country?

Jerry

Great, so there's a Heaven! Glad you could learn that by murdering me eight times!

He's got kind of a point, Rick. If you wanna get into heaven, can't you just stop being an asshole?

First of all, I don't wanna "get into" anywhere. I wanna tap this para-dimension's energy. Secondly, you wouldn't catch me dead in Jerry's generic-ass 1980s concrete-and-fog-machine Heaven.

Jerry

Well guess what? You aren't welcome there!

You raise a good point, Jerry. Obviously by accident, my intact consciousness is too atheistic to get channeled to any afterlife worth robbing. It's a paradox. Unless... Morty, pack your parka. We're going to Norway.

Ugh...

Or I could augment your skin with subdermal heaters--

I'll pack a parka!

Jerry

Doesn't anyone celebrate Easter anymore? I-I don't wanna force people to go to church or anything, but--

Can you even tell me what Easter is about?

Jerry

It's when Christ was born. Or... was murdered, maybe, I don't know. But we eat candy to remember. It's important!

Jerry, if it wasn't for the aisle at Costco, you wouldn't even know it was happening.

Yeah, Dad. Example: when's Christmas?

Jerry

December 25th.

And what's today's date?

Jerry

I... A-- Ap-- April!

Jerry

Why are we dunking on Rick? He's been a loving dad to our family for as long as I can remember.

Excuse me?

Jerry

Remember him at our wedding and Morty's birth? And that time he invented PB&J. Rick's great.

What?