Space Beth quotes from Rick and Morty

Oh shit...

Wait, what? Wh-What's happening?!

Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travellers. Too late to apologize.

Jerry

[enters, also pulsing green] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.

Rick, are we about to die?!

[putting a makeshift device together] No, we're about to vanish from this reality.

Jerry

That's totally dying!

No, it isn't! It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.

Back to our original universes...!

I explained it fine, Morty, you're spoon-feeding spoons. Where's Summer?

Summer

[enters] Oh nice, you guys are back. [notices the flashing] Whoa...

Summer, three of us are one-way blind hopping. [hands her the device] You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore-server, filename "Booger AIDs".

Summer

Every file is "Booger AIDs"!

I—I hate naming things! Just.. search for words like "one-way blind hop, reset map beacon".

Jerry

[aghast] Why do I have a reality of origin?!

There's no time to explain, Jerry! Counting on you, Summer! "One-way blind hop beacon protocol"! HERE WE GOOOOOOO...!

Jerry

So there was time to explain.

Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's rundown--

Summer

"One-way blind hop, reset beacon, Booger AIDs".

Cool. [waits for a moment] Wow.

Jerry

[angrily] THERE WAS SO MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN!

Yes! Fine! Hindsight is 20-20! Who has ever taken this long to vanish?

Jerry

How did I end up not in my own universe?! [thinks] Oh my God, the Jerryboree!

Ohhhhhhhh, the Jerryboree.

Deep cut. [all three vanish]

Wait, but where's our real dad and our real Morty?

Summer

Buried in the backyard.

That's what the possums are after...

Seriously, you two?! What the hell did you do in my holodeck?! Holy shit, you... you did a full "San Junipero" in here?! Oh my God, Beth, there's masturbating and then there's masturbating!

You'd know, old man.

Eww, Dad, stop! I'm sorry!

[groans] Look, this isn't my business, and by all means, enjoy being sapphic horse girls together, but you suck at doing it secretly! We all know!

Including Jerry?!

Summer

No, Dad's so in the dark that he's enjoying a video game about being in an affair right now.

If you guys are doing this, you got to tell him!

Okay, little man, back off.

Take it easy. They're right.

Right about what? That we have to be twice as considerate and twice as repressed because [towards Rick] some dick split us in two? This is the shit I left! [pulling Beth towards her] This isn't. This is me. This is the me that doesn't tell you all to fuck off. So allow me: fuck off. She'll tell her husband what she wants when she feels like it. And you can deal with it or you can deal with me, but you should know I have all the Predator weapons.

Works for me.

Summer

Fair enough.

That's cool.

[leading them away] I guess it's time for ice cream.

Summer

You know, fortune cookies only come true if you eat the cookie first. [eats and reads] All right. "Hard work often pays off." Lame.

[reading hers] "Family time is time well spent." Okay, that's not only empty, it's been disproven.

Okay, mine says "Family time is time well..." Oh man, I got the same one?

Boo.

What's your stupid 21st century watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad?

Jerry

"You will have sex with your mother."

Ugh! I can't even pretend to feel useful in a game! This is how humanity's story ends?! Relieved of duty and sat at the kids' table?!

I gotta respect these dinosaurs. They dominated a whole species just by calling its bluff about wanting more free time.

They didn't even dominate us, because we're not worth a fight to them. We've become biological Tyler Perry movies.

All they've done is help.

We didn't need their help! We were not the problem! This house recycles! [notices a Velociraptor sorting their rubbish outside and shouts at it] THEY SORT IT AT THE TRASH FACILITY! [the raptor shakes its head disapprovingly at her]

Summer

[on her phone] What the "F"?! My dance videos are getting, like, zero likes now!

Oh yeah, the dinos kicked pedophiles off TikTok.

Summer

Great, so now I'm broke?!

You don't need money anymore.

Summer

So what's this for now? Phone calls?! Ugh! [throws her phone against the wall]

[to Rick] Oh, come on, Dad, you don't hate this too?

Why would I? I-I was already doing what I wanted. I do think it's kinda funny that you're all basically Jerry now.

Jerry, how do you do it?

Summer

Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?

How do you do it, Dad?

Jerry

Huh?

How do you do it?!

Jerry

[amazed] It's finally happened!

Jerry

Rick, why is there a man shooting piss on our front lawn?

I'm sure he'll tell you.

I am Pissmaster! Here to flush the toilet that is Rick Sanchez!

Jerry

He's spraying my lavender bush! My bees need that lavender!

Remember five seconds ago when you guys were stoked about me changing, because it made you feel superior?

[peering through window] Ooh, whole family's here! Who's that redhead? Wouldn't mind spraying her with a golden shower!

Summer

Oh, my God, what?!

Hey!

Jerry

Okay, that's it! [stands up]

Jerry, please think about this. If you fight this guy, I'm either an asshole for not helping, or an asshole for helping.

Jerry

My daughter just got spoken of in porno terms, and I'll respond how I choose! [marches outside]

Wait! Morty, you have to promise not to tell anyone, but your dad made Pissmaster kill himself.

Oh, man, what?!

Yeah, I mean, I found him dead and I-I put on his suit, but look at this - he literally blames your dad. [gives Morty Pissmaster's note]

Holy shit... Wait, you kept the suicide note?! That's so messed up!

I know, I mean, I had to tell someone, Morty. I couldn't just sit on that--

And you expect me to?! [runs into the house]

Morty, no! What are you doing?!

Jerry

What the hell?! He KILLED HIMSELF?!

Jesus, Dad, you should've told us! Especially if Jerry murdered him!

Jerry

Wait, don't say that! I-I didn't murder!

Hey, I-I thought it was pretty cool that I withheld that information.

But you didn't withhold it! You're walking around with the note!

Summer

Yeah, Grandpa, you gotta, like, keep it in your heart as a great sacrifice. That's the cool move.

Jerry

I mean, how am I the bad guy? He sprayed piss on us! Y-You all cheered me on!

Don't drag us into this.

Summer

A man is dead, Dad.

Again, wasn't gonna say it, but I told you this would happen.

Oh, get off your high horse.

Dr. Wong would be so proud!

Summer

BOO!

Go ahead and boo! I was breathing piss, you think I care?

Jerry

Is this what it's like to trend? [sobbing] This is a nightmare! I should've just let him pee on my daughter...!

Summer

Eww! What the hell, Dad?!

They left a note!

Summer

Should we read it in Rick's voice or Dad's?

"Dear Family, we thought about leaving a note, but then one of us was like 'Why are we leaving a note? That's such a Jerry thing to do. But if we didn't leave a note, that's such a Rick thing to do.' And then we realized we just gotta be us, so it's a note but it's not really well-thought-out." That's it? They got out a pen and paper for this?

Who are you? What is this place?! And does my son sell drugs for my father? Maybe criminals will actually be honest with me...

Crystals can be anything, Mom!

Yeah, but these crystals are drugs.

Morty!

Jerry

They were delicious!

So keep eating them!

Jerry

We can't now!

Because of you! Sorry. Morty. That was terrible parenting. You did the quote-unquote "right thing". We are technically very happy to be better informed.

Jerry

First octopus, now this. Have we thought about just giving up and joining the fascist half of the country?

Where are my kids?

Merged.

That doesn't answer my question, and raises several others.

Oh, my god, you both reek! What is that?

Morty and I shit our pants. You're looking at the two newest members of the Hole Club!

Summer

Uh, okay, sluts!

It was a good rescue, though.

You got me fired!

Only because you blew your chance to quit!

Step one — we blend in as bugs working for the Department of Transportation. My guy Cisco will be at the back door at 7:00 a.m.

Who's Cisco?

My inside man. Don't worry.

Okay, but what if he doesn't show up?

What's that supposed to mean? You don't even know Cisco.

Which is very concerning since this plan seems very dependent on him.

So let me finish the plan.

Fine.

Step two — Cisco provides us with security credentials for the maintenance tunnels.

And if he doesn't show, what's our backup plan?

I use Cisco so that I don't need a backup plan.

Step three — we quickly and quietly patch into the surveillance grid.

Wait. How 'd we get there?

With the credentials we got from Cisco.

So in other words, if Cisco--

Cisco has never not shown up!

Can I just ask, what does someone have to do to achieve the level of trust you place in this random man?

I trust plenty of people.

Name two.

Uh, easy — Birdperson and Cisco.

Cisco's at the same level as Birdperson?!

Jerry

Doesn't anyone celebrate Easter anymore? I-I don't wanna force people to go to church or anything, but--

Can you even tell me what Easter is about?

Jerry

It's when Christ was born. Or... was murdered, maybe, I don't know. But we eat candy to remember. It's important!

Jerry, if it wasn't for the aisle at Costco, you wouldn't even know it was happening.

Yeah, Dad. Example: when's Christmas?

Jerry

December 25th.

And what's today's date?

Jerry

I... A-- Ap-- April!

Jerry

Why are we dunking on Rick? He's been a loving dad to our family for as long as I can remember.

Excuse me?

Jerry

Remember him at our wedding and Morty's birth? And that time he invented PB&J. Rick's great.

What?