TV show quotes
[Janet is drunk and kisses Tommy]
And what are we doing?
We're gonna go upstairs.
Oh, we are?
Mm hmm.
Okay. Now, not that I don't wanna go upstairs, but okay, where are we going with this?
What, you don't want me?
No, that's not what I said. I did not say that. What --
Tommy, we were always at our best [kisses him] when we were in bed. A million problems everywhere else, but in bed... [kisses him] Come on.
Alright.
What're you ladies talking about?
The firefighter calender. I'm doing it again this year.
Yeah, he gets to choose his own month.
Great.
So what month are you going for?
I'd try for February. Work that whole Valentine's Day thing.
Nah, common mistake. Shortest month of the year.
So, what's a good month?
Well, you definitely don't wanna be December. Nobody pays attention to you until the last 30 days of the year. You wanna be in the first four or five months to maximize booty potential. I'm thinkin' April, May, in there, you know? It's spring. Winter clothes are comin' off. Chicks are thinkin' about gettin' laid.
Yeah? Interesting.
Yeah, it's a science, and I'm the mad scientist.
Two grand for a porch?
Last one we did, we got what, 600 bucks?
Who is this guy? The king of chumps?
Nah, some shrink, you know? I figure we get Charlie Walsh's cousin to give us the lumber for what, 300 bones? And we'll divide the rest up. You in?
Yeah, for that kind of money, I might show up in a tux.
Franco?
In.
I'll do it.
Let me tell you something kid: First time doing a porch job, you work for free.
Let me clarify further. Not only do you not get paid, you generally do all the work while we sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit.
And you gotta buy the beer.
Yeah, a couple of those suitcase things. MGD is good.
Guys, I just remembered... I'm busy.
Yeah, you're busy helping us queer-bait.
Tommy, nothing's changed.
I didn't come over to you last night, you came lookin' for-- and now you're going to tell me that it shouldn't have happened?
I was drunk, I was frustrated. I'm tired of being alone.
You're not alone, okay? I live across the street. Which you gladly took advantage of last night.
But you don't understand. I need something more-- something that I can't get from you. [Tommy makes a face] Yes, the sex was great. But the sex is always great with us, Tommy. We've never had a problem connecting on a physical level, but an emotional level--
Oh, Jesus Christ. I knew that was what you were going to say!
Hey, I can't do this anymore, I'm tired of being this lonely.
You know what? You're nuts, you should see a shrink because you are--
I am sorry.
You're sorry? Bullshit. You come over my house. You lure me into bed, you bang me, you get my hopes up and now you're sorry?
I wanted to see if it still worked.
If what worked? My dick?
Hey, I went with Dwight the other night to the city, we caught a show and afterwards I look into this bar and who do I see? Our very own little probie making out with some broad to beat the band.
So...?
So... this chick is old enough to be his mother.
Oh god, I just caught a chill.
How old?
I don't know, I didn't have time to cut her in half and count the rings but she's pretty old, I mean for him. I'm guessin' late 40's.
Wow, really?
Yeah. [Mike walks up] Hey, speak of the devil. Hey, kid, your ears burning?
Huh?
Hey, are you bangin' some old broad?
And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.
Hey, she's not that old. She's only 46.
Well, that's nothin' in dog years.
Yeah, which probably applies to her.
What're you guys talking about?
Nothing.
Eight and a smidgen of what?
Well, last night I was watchin' TV and there was nothin' on really so I---
Cut to the chase.
And I got a hard-on and I was lookin' at it and I was thinkin' about jerkin' off and--
Would you cut to the chase?
Well, there was a ruler on the table and I kinda --
He measured his cock.
You measured your cock?
And it was eight inches?
Well, mine was seven and a half... almost. His was eight.
Well, eight and a titch.
I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.
Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]
Huge.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?
Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.
Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?
[Mike and Sean exchange looks]
Yeah. Yeah, we did.
Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.
Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.
Almost.
Shit.
I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.
Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?
You gonna measure yours?
I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.
Chief, I got a question.
And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.
Really?
Girth?
Ha. Exactly.
Wait. What? Girth.
Circumference, asshole.
That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.
Well, you know uh, Chief. I really don't think this whole measuring from the top thing is really right, I mean who invented that? I mean you lose and inch, it's not really fair.
From the pubic bone to the tip. 'Cause that's all that enters the vagina. From the pubic bone, out to the tip. Done. [Sean makes a weird face] What?
Nothing. I-- just that I would never hear you say the word "vagina."
Vagina.
Stop.
Va-gina.
Come on, Chief. Stop.
[to the monkey] You filthy little son of a bitch. You keep screamin' and I'll stick a banana right up your ass.
Look, guys I wanted to get you together because we have a situation that's arisin...arosen. It's pretty important.
It's arisen.
Shut up. [to Lou] Is he right?
Amazingly, yes. How?
I've been bangin' this chick who plays alotta Scrabble. Hey, did you know that Q-A-T is a word?
Shut up.
I swear.
I said shut up.
Alright.
[about Colleen] I'm not exactly over here doin' a jig because she turned into a lezbo.
Hey, Tom. She is not a lesbian.
She has a girlfriend.
She's 15 years old. She's only had one boyfriend. When she's had to deal with 5 or 6 guys, then I can see her going gay.
I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?
Wow. [Laura puts Tommy's sandwich on the table]
Yeah. Can I get one of those? [points to the sandwich]
No. [leaves]
Did she just say top-hats?
I believe she did.
I've always been a big fan of formal wear.
[Tommy is pulled over for speeding through a downtown intersection]
Hey, how you doing? Hey, Collins man!
You better have a good excuse, Gavin.
Oh, you know what man, I got a phone call...
That was some dare-devil shit back there.
I know, I know. I got a phone call about twenty minutes ago. My mom had a heart attack and I got to get to a hospital.
Bullshit.
No bro, I'm serious!
Give me your license and reg... All right, the honeymoon's over Gavin, all right? So tell all your friends and all that hero worship you got after 9/11 ain't getting paid any dues anymore. We lost guys downtown too, but nobody even talks about us. 343 firemen. There was almost 100 cops!
That's true. Nobody's forgetting about the cops.
Guess what? You so much as look at a cop the wrong way and you're paying the price. All right, asshole?
You know this is going to come back to bite you in the ass. We got a big hockey game coming up again. A rematch-- in what, like a week?
Yeah, I'm real concerned about payback. Yeah, I hope your ma don't die while I'm writing you up, either. Have a nice day.
[whispers] Shithead.
Two fags in a tree.
It's a tree-some!
Where's Elvis?
What?
Isn't this heaven?
No, it's my garage.
Goddamn it! I'm alive. Shit!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rescue Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
