You want to know how big my balls are? My balls are bigger than two of your heads duct-taped together. I've been in the middle of shit that would make you piss your pants right now. Uptown, downtown, Harlem, Brooklyn. But there ain't no medals on my chest, assholes, 'cause I ain't no hero. I'm a fireman. We're not in the business of making heroes here. We're in the business of discovering cowards, 'cause that's what you are if you can't take the heat. You're a pussy, and there ain't no room for pussies in the FDNY. [to a snickering recruit in the first row] What are you laughing at, shithead? Huh? What's so god damn funny?
Shut up! You speak when spoken to. You pussies better pray you don't get assigned to my firehouse. Because I have seen it all. I knew sixty men who gave their lives at Ground Zero. Sixty. Four of them from my house. Vito Castella... found him almost whole. Ricky Davis... found him almost whole, hugging a civilian woman. Bobby Vincent... found his head. And my cousin, Jimmy Keefe, my best friend. You know what they found of him? What I was able to bring back and give to his parents? A finger. That's all. A finger. These four men were better human beings and better firefighters than any of you will ever be.
FCFirefighting Class Instructor
Say "thank you," firefighting upper class!
FUFirefighting Upper Class
Thank you, Firefighter Gavin, sir!
[After everyone gets up and leaves]
GDr. Goldberg
Oh, you don't need to explain, I was at another firehouse last night and the reaction was quite similar.
The guys, uh, they're not gonna talk to a psychotherapist in the firehouse, especially not uh, female one.
GDr. Goldberg
What about the female firefighters?
We don't have any female firefighters in this house.
GDr. Goldberg
Are you threatened by women?
GDr. Goldberg
You-- you don't seem to think that a woman can be a firefighter.
I'll tell you what, it's not about being a man or a woman, okay? It's about doing the job. It's about me getting home safe and sound in the morning to see my kids, okay? So, you got a woman who can do the job better than the guys on my crew? Bring her on. You know? You got a martian, or a cyborg, or a Chinaman that can do the job, bring them on too.
GDr. Goldberg
Are there any Chinese firefighters?
Yeah, probably. Somewhere in... China.
GDr. Goldberg
I'm sensing a lot of hostility.
You are very, very perceptive.
Dr. Goldberg: That's what they tell me.
[Tommy is laying money out on the table]
Alright, we're going to play a little game because Daddy needs to know some information on Mommy's new boyfriend. Alright?
[they all are silent]
But Mommy doesn't want us to talk about that.
I understand that, sweetheart. That's why we have the money.
We have sex with woman who ain't our wives and we make every detail available to the other guys.
Yeah, well, maybe I'm a gentleman.
Yeah, and I'm growing tits.
Hey, you should check a mirror, pal.
JJimmy
All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's review. Why are you two separated?
You know, I... she says I couldn't open up, I wasn't emotionally available, blah, blah, blah.
[Talking about a fireman who retired and them came out of the closet, and also claims to know more gay firemen]
Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?
CRChief Reilly, Franco, Lou, and Tommy
No.
Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.
My daughter used that term last week.
What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?
It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?
No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.
Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?
Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.
It's not like a gay thing...
It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.
Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)
What the hell's a male bikini wax?
That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.
Chicks dig us shaving our balls?
[about Sean] He, uh, got a ball wax.
Yeah. Me and this chick that I've been banging, we were talking about it right. And she said that it makes the sex better for women, right? So, there's nothin' on TV last night, so I get look through the yellow pages and I find a place and I do it.
So, this place, did you find it under "ball" or "wax?"
Let me tell you something, okay?
Hey, don't you threaten me.
If I want to threaten you, I will! Okay? You start a shit storm about my kids with me, you take 'em anywhere you want, I will hunt you down and I will find you. Four corners of the Earth, I will find you and I will take those kids back. That's not a threat, that's a goddamn promise, bitch.
I like hockey, I could never play though. I've got weak ankles.
Yeah, that's not the only thing that you got that's weak.
Well, what're you sayin' then, like I got weak knees?
I was talking about your mind. I was saying that you've got a weak mind.
You know what, Franco, do I piss all over you all of the time? I don't think so. I don't understand why you gotta be such a prick to me.
Hey, girls, do I have to separate you?
He said that I had a weak mind, Lou.
Yeah, like he's pulling that outta thin air.
No. Below the cookies, peeking out of your pants, and it better not be a tattoo because if it is a tattoo, you're not gonna see the light of day ever again.
Move the cookies. [she moves them] Oh my, god. What the hell?
I can see it's a shamrock.
You're always saying that we should be proud of being Irish.
You wanna be proud you're Irish? Wave a flag, march in a parade, have 100 kids ... not yet. Oh my god.
It's not that big of a deal, Mom has a tattoo on her butt.
She showed you? Jesus Christ. [groans] I'll tell ya' what, you're gonna get rid of that yourself, or I'm gonna get rid of it for you.
I'm sure Black & Decker has some kind of attachment.
It's my body. You can't tell me what to do with it.
Oh, really? Let me just remind you of a couple things, okay? When you turn 18 years old, you can move out of this house and you can get a flower tattooed on your ass, and a rainbow tattooed on your tits, but until then as long as you live under my roof, you play by my rules. No tattoos.
I didn't get it while I was living under your roof, I got it while I was living under Mom's.
PPhyllis
You don't need to lie to me, either. What are you doing?
Okay... You want the truth?
I've been writing poetry.
Poetry. Since... just after 9/11. It's kind of been, I don't know, my therapy, I guess. I don't know.
PPhyllis
Oh my God, why couldn't it have been the porn?
[Tommy pays his nephew for sending a computer virus to Roger]
[sighs] I could only get 300 bucks out of the ATM.
That's okay. You can owe me the rest. I trust you.
You know what, kid? I was at your christening and I didn't drown you, okay? So let's think about who owes who. All right?
I didn't come here the other night looking for a fight. And I didn't come tonight looking for one either. I came to talk to that Teff guy. Well, he started the fight. He threw the first punch. You saw him do that. And I know a couple other guys in there saw it too.
So, uh... I mean it's possible I... I might need a witness and I was hoping you'd, you know, do the right thing.
VVinny
You know, funny thing about gay bashers: they're all tough guys until they get caught.
VVinny
I saw what every other guy in the place saw. You threw the first punch.
