Uncle Teddy quotes from Rescue Me

Uncle Teddy

[to the monkey] You filthy little son of a bitch. You keep screamin' and I'll stick a banana right up your ass.

Uncle Teddy

Where's Elvis?

Tommy

What?

Uncle Teddy

Isn't this heaven?

Tommy

No, it's my garage.

Uncle Teddy

Goddamn it! I'm alive. Shit!

Tommy

Did you go outside like that?

Uncle Teddy

Like what?

Tommy

Like that. With your joint hangin' out.

Uncle Teddy

Hey, you got issues with the human body, that's your problem. That's your shame-based religious upbringing rearing its ugly head.

Tommy

Speakin' of ugly heads.

Uncle Teddy

Don't lay your issues on me. I got no problem being naked.

Tommy

Oh, yeah? Why don't you go upstairs and look in the mirror? I think there's more than one problem goin' on down there.

Uncle Teddy

Hey, Tom. I made chili.

Tommy

Yeah, no shit. What did 'ya do, mix it with a goddamn shotgun?

Tommy

Steak and ice cream?

Uncle Teddy

It's my latest invention, beef-stash-eo. I called the people at Ben & Jerry's but they said "no." Some people have no vision.

Uncle Teddy

You mean to tell me she's leaving 60 million dollars to the goddamn cats?!

And the cancer foundation.

Uncle Teddy

I got cancer.

Tommy

You do?

Cat cancer.

Michael

I'm an old man. So they put me in jail. That could be two weeks for all we know.

Uncle Teddy

That could be one week.

Michael

Thanks, asshole.

Uncle Teddy

Look, you're not doing this, if this goes down, I'm the shooter.

Michael

I had first dibs.

Tommy

Did you just say dibs?

Johnny

[About Tommy]I hope to Christ he doesn't fall off the wagon.

Uncle Teddy

I wouldn't blame the guy if he drove the wagon right through the liquor store window and drank the entire inventory.