SeanOh, now I'm an asshole. Why am I an asshole?
You're an asshole because you told Maggie everything that I told you about Fred.
Sean
Okay, I'm a pussy if I don't say anything to Maggie and now I'm an asshole for openin' my big mouth. You're impossible to please.
You wanna please me? Keep your hands outta my sister's pants. [Sean tries to go after him, but since they're in the truck, he's seatbelted in and can't reach Tommy]
Sean
She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and you ruined it.
Look, I told you to talk to her, okay? You decided to break up with her. You live with that decision.
Sean
Yeah, well, you know what? Try this one out. I don't wanna be friends anymore.
Sean
I don't want you to call me. It's over. We're breaking up.
Sean
Yes.
Hey! You guys listening to this? Garrity's breaking up with me!
Sean
Yeah, it's over. I don't wanna hear from you, no dinner, no hangin' out, nothin'.
He's breaking up with me. Unbelieveable. Oh my God. Your whole generation. Gay.
Sean
Lou, I need some ibuprofens you guys got any?
That's interesting because I have a whole giant bottle of ibuprofens just sitting up in my locker waiting to be taken.
Sean
Really? Well, could I have some?
Nope, it's for me and my friends.
Sean
Okay, can we be friends again, please?
Nope. You broke up with me, it's not that easy for me to recover.
Sean
Come on, Tom. I'm in pain.
Yeah, well, I'm in pain too, okay? Emotional pain.
Sean
Really?
Yep. I was very, very hurt.
Sean
[sleepwalking] Hey, whatcha writin' there?
Sean
Whoa, you can write those?
Sean
Can you do me a favor and write me two U2 tickets at the Garden? I love you U2. Two, my mom and my sister, my mom loves Bono because of the whole world hunger thing... actually, my mom--will you write us 12?
What's going on with the getting me all excited front?
Sean
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. How 'bout we like go back to your apartment and I get you excited in another way, in a way that doesn't involve me getting punched in the kidneys. [a big guy walks by them]
Did you hear that? That guy just called me a whore.
Sean
Uh, no I missed that.
You just called me a whore didn't you, asshole?
GGuy
[turns around] Excuse me?
Sean
Oh, it was me, sometimes I just do that I--
GGuy
You got a problem, asshole?
Sean
God, with you, come on. No, what're you crazy? [looks towards a smaller guy] No this guy--did he?
No definitely him, [points to the big guy, then the little guy] not him.
Sean
No, you're wrong. It was this guy. [to the smaller guy] Did you just call my lady friend a whore?
LGLittle Guy
Get away from me.
Sean
Y'know what I think he did. What're you a tough guy? [he sprays Sean with mace, who falls to the ground]
LGLittle guy
Whose the tough guy now?! [rides off on his bike]
Jesus, Sean, this is so embarrassing. You need to grow up. It's like you've never been sprayed in the eyes with mace before.
Sean
We're supposed to go out again tonight, I mean, I wanna make her happy but I gotta figure out a way to fight some guys where I'm not gonna get hurt.
Sean
Yeah, just guys, for now. I mean, I'm sure I'll fight some chicks in a coupla weeks but for now, just guys.
What about guys with one leg?
Sean
Alright, Maggie, what's it gonna take for you to feel loved? What, you wanna get married? You wanna live happily ever aft--
Sean
What? What did you just say?
You asked me to marry you, I'm sayin' "yes."
Sean
No, I meant when you said that--
What, now you don't wanna get married?
Sean
No, I guess--
We've only been engaged 15 seconds and you're already getting cold feet.
Sean
I guess we could get married. I mean I love you, and I'm pretty sure that you love me, even though you've never actually said it.
Sean
It concerns me and Maggie.
Sean
No, quite the opposite. We are gettin' married.
So you'll kill her in like three years.
Sean
No, come on, why can't you guys be happy for me? This is such a big deal [goes over and hugs, then kisses Tommy's cheek] we're gonna be bro's!
Sean
I uh…the thing is-- see my family, they raised me right... I think. I wanted to do this respectfully and so uh…that's why I'm here Mr. Gavin. To ask you most sincerely and most... some other word for um... your daughter, Maggie's hand in marriage.
[Over at the table, Maggie and Lou are listening]
[whispers] I can't believe Tommy's missing this.
[whispers] I'm taking notes.
Sean
I mean, I had some reading comprehension problems in school and I had to take the SAT's like 11 times and I still didn't pass---
What's the point of asking me for her hand in marriage when you've already asked her for it?
Sean
That's a good point. That's a good point, Dad. Is it too early for me to call you that?
I don't know, is it too early for me to call you asshole? [at the table Lou laughs and writes that down for the notes] You do realize that she is a blood-sucking, hell bitch.
This is a private conversation.
You see these shoes? These are gonna go right up your ass old man.
[to Sean] You see how she talks to me? And I'm her father. Imagine what she'll say to you.
Sean
I don't have to imagine.
Now, you seem like a pretty nice kid, a little slow but nice. You see that door right over there? Use it and never look back.
That's it. You're not invited to the wedding. No invitation for you.
Yeah, well what about the wedding after this one? Am I banned from that one too?
Sean
For your information Chris was just here. He told me everything.
Sean
That's right, I mean we're such good friends, I mean when were you gonna tell me about it?
Sean
Asshole.
Sean
Alright, well, now I'm confused too. Why didn't you just talk to me, maybe I'd have gone the same way.
Sean
Yeah, bro. I like to keep it fresh. I like to try new things. Try new positions, switch hit. How could you go behind our backs and do this?
Sean you gotta know the truth. It-- it was just Chris.
Sean
Oh, don't pin this on him.
But it was him. He gave me like a half a dozen blow jobs, and it was always him goin' down on me. I never kissed him or slept with him, it was just the blow jobs I swear.
[Sean looks shocked and backs away]
Sean
Okay, what're we talkin' about here?
Sean
All Chris told me was about this transfer order-- Holy shit!
Sean, please just don't tell anybody.
[Lou walks in]
Sean
Mike's gay!
Sean
Chris is his lover man-- guy.
I can explain, Lou. Just please don't let anybody else know.
[Franco walks in]
Yeah tell me something I don't know. [looks up from his book] Oh, you mean gay, gay.
Every morning I'd pass by the construction guys out there on my way to work and there was this one guy-- Chris and I noticed him a couple of times. And one day, when I was passin' by, he sorta like smiled at me.
Sean
Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.
Well, it freaked me out too. Every morning he'd gimme this like smile. And one day when I stepped out and he wasn't there--
Did you check the end of your cock? [everyone laughs]
Lou, let him talk. Go ahead, kid.
And he was gone and I sorta liked missed him.
Alright, my balls just went up behind my lungs.
I don't know how to describe the way I was feeling. Y'know, he was a nice guy... and-- and, we started talkin' and I guess I was like lonely or something and I moved into his place and it was great at first... then it got weird.
And then it got weird, because I was wonderin' when that was gonna kick in.
And he was into me that way, and that's when the blow jobs started... and it freaked me out at first. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't right for me--- he's gone, I'm not with him. I-I-I left, it's over, and that's the whole story.
Sean
Bullshit, Mikey. What about the transfer?
I filled the form out but I never turned it in, did I?
Sean
Oh, cut the shit, Mike, you already got your new house all picked out.
Sean
Because he's playin' for their softball team.
Sean
Yeah, your boyfriend Chris, he told me that you were battin' for the other team. edit »
I don't want him showerin' with us that's for sure. It's nothing personal, Mike. I just don't need you starin' at my hang down like it's an a la carte special at the Chez Homo.
Sean
Yeah, and I don't wanna know about your new boyfriends, or your new clothes, or nights out at the disco, or Liza Minnelli, or ass toys. It's off limits from now on.
I'm not gay. I didn't do anything sexual to him. I'm totally into chicks, and I'm seein' this girl over the past coupla weeks--
Y'know, if this is how it's gonna be, if I can't make a little mistake in my personal life then maybe I should transfer.
Hey, hey, kid come here. Guys, better or worse, I think we all consider ourselves a family here, correct? Now whether, Mike's a fag. Sorry, Mike. Or not he's, he's part of that family, correct? I think y'know, as a firefighter he's been startin' to pull his own weight. Y'know and maybe he acts a little faggy from time to time. Sorry, Mike. But y'know, in the shit he's been learnin', he's been performin', y'know Johnny Stack would not be alive today if it wasn't for Mikey. Now, as far as it goes in the house, I trust the kid, y'know, I feel like if I'm stuck somewhere on the job, I feel like he's got me, y'know, he's got me-- covered. Come here kid. [they hug] I got no problem with this.
[whispers] Ten bucks says Mikey's hard.
Like Rain Man retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?
Well, he can function, like Paris, he can go to the bathroom on his own which I assume Paris can do. He's pretty good with numbers, I'm not sayin' that the guy can count toothpicks off of the floor or anything and you know, he eats things.
Hey, hey now there's nothing retarded about that.
No, I'm not talkin' bout food things, Lou. I'm talking about actual things shit that's layin' around the room. Checkers, paper clips, erasers, pen caps, the guys small intestine must have a silver lining.
Well, you know how they talk about retards having like what's it called retard strength?
Sean
What're you lookin' at me for?
Well, maybe that's what Richard the retard has except all of his power is concentrated in his digestive track.
The thing is that I really wanna make a good impression with Nat, so I figured I take the guy to a ballgame.
Sean
Yeah, hey that's a good idea. A nice chance to bond.
Yeah, that should work out real nice, you know, assuming he doesn't eat the tickets before you get to the gate.
Sean
I'm getting the feeling we're not on the same page here about this wedding.
No, I'm getting the feeling we're not in the same book.
Sean
Okay, well, I'll do it how ever you want, but what's important to me is that we're standing there taking our vows in the eyes of God, alright?
Where in the eyes of God?
Sean
Where do you think, Maggie? In a church, alright? In his house.
Can't God come to our house?
Sean
Maggie, please, can't you do this for me and my folks?
I'm no good in churches, Sean. They creep me out. All those statues looking down on me, judging, knowing all the dirty, promiscuous, unprotected sex I've had.
[in a church] I’m having a nicotine kick, I walk into any holy building and my body chemistry goes completely ape shit.
Sean
Don’t swear in here.
Ape shit is not a swear word. It’s a zoological term.
...
Sean
Maggie!
What? He walks around burning incense all day, what’s a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? [Maggie lights the cigarette]
PPriest
Uh-uh, there’s no smoking in here. [he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it]
[to Sean] He’s probably gonna smoke that when we leave.
Sean
Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. [to Priest] Ooh, sorry.
PPriest
The two of you haven’t come here on a dare, have you?
Sean
No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she’s having some issues with the church and you know, we’re working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It’s really very helpful.
PPriest
I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?
Uh, Murphy’s Pub on 48th.
PPriest
Okay, I think we’re done here. Should, you uh, find a church that’s willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.
How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.
PPriest
I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
