Benson Dunwoody quotes from Regular Show

Benson

(bangs the door open and furiously storms in) HANG UP THAT PHONE! You think your little pranks are funny, huh?! You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned from using the house phone? Okay! (Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!! (Slams the door furiously)

Mordecai

Dude, let's use Pops' phone.

Benson

What just happened?

Mordecai

We need your help to prank the Master Prank Caller.

Benson

Who?

Skips

Why did you prank him?

Benson

I'll take care of this. [Answers the telephone] Hello?

Nice ride, but I prefer mine better.

Hello?

This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—

Hello?

I said, this is the Master Prank—

Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

[frustrated] I SAID, THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER!!

Hello? Hello, are you there?

RRRGH!!! [WOOSH] I SAID—!!

Ha ha! Just kidding! You just got pranked, loser! [BEEP]

NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Mordecai

Now!

Mordecai

Now, Rigby! Hit the power button!

Rigby

Who's the best prank caller now, jerk-dish? [Rigby presses the power button on the Master Prank Caller]

No! NO! NOOOO! [Falls down on the ground, knocked out]

Benson

Hey you two! Quit fooling around, we’re having an emergency meeting!

Mordecai

Aw, what?

Rigby

Boo!

Benson

Outside, now!

Benson

Alright, everyone. I got some bad news. The park is being audited. ( He Points to Pops) Pops tried to pay the park taxes... [gives him a look] ...with lollipops.

Pops

But I gave them more than enough!

Benson

We already went over this, Pops. You pay taxes with money, not lollipops.

Pops

[sadly' Oh...

Rigby

[spits] What's the big deal? It's not like an audit is a bad thing.

Benson

It is a bad thing, Rigby! If we don't take care of this, the government takes all our stuff away.

Benson

Okay. We only have till 3:00 to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?

Muscle Man

I know someone who can help...

Benson

[angrily] If you say your mom, you're fired!

Muscle Man

[long pause] My mom!

Benson

GET OUT!

Muscle Man

It was worth it! [he and High Five Ghost high-five and walk away]

Mordecai

[thinks] Hmmm... Hmph! Hey! [looks at Rigby] We know someone.

Rigby

We do? [Mordecai raises his arms. Suddenly, Rigby knows who he's referring to] No! No way!

Benson

What? If you know somebody, you've got to tell me.

Mordecai

Rigby has a brother. [Rigby punches him in the butt] And he's an accountant. [Rigby punches him again, rapidly]

Rigby

SHUT UP!

Mordecai

Dude, what do you have against Don?

Young Rigby

Guys, guys, guys! [zooms out to reveal four bored children, one of them a young Mordecai] Watch me blow out the candle, guys!

Hey, Rigby. Happy birthday, bro.

Young Rigby

Wha- wha - ? I told you to stay in the basement.

Oh. Sorry, Rigby. I just wanted to give you some birthday sugar.

Young Rigby

I DON'T WANT YOUR FREAKING SUGAR!

I'll give you some sugar, Don.

Yeah, me too! [giggles]

Young Rigby

DON'T YOU DARE!

Young Mordecai

I'm just getting some sugar, dude. [Rigby lets go of him] Besides, Don is cool.

You're the best, Don!

Mordecai

Yeah. Don really made that party.

Benson

Call your brother.

Rigby

No!

Benson

CALL YOUR BROTHER!

Rigby

NO! I HATE HIM!!!

Benson

Fine! Mordecai, you call him.

Rigby

YOU BETTER NOT!

Mordecai

Dude, he could save the park.

Rigby

Dude, he could ruin my life! If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave.

Benson

No, you won't, YOU BE NICE TO YOUR BROTHER OR YOUR FIRED!! [to Mordecai] Call him.

Mordecai

[to Rigby] Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.

Rigby

You guys are making a big mistake!

Benson

Don't ruin this for us, Rigby!

Benson, give me some sugar! [hugs Benson] Nice to meet you! [points to Pops] Hey, who's this guy?

Pops

I'm Pops!

Pops, give me some sugar!

Pops

[runs laughing to Don and hugs him]

[hugs Skips] Don. Good to meet you. [to Mordecai] Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.

Mordecai

[hugs Don] Yeah, I know! It's been forever!

Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!

Rigby

Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?

Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.

Rigby

Augh...! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!

What, bro?

Benson

[mouthing angrily] You keep your mouth SHUT!

Rigby

Nothing.

Benson

Where's DON?! [outside, Don is shown driving away, almost crying. The others run out after him] Don, wait! [Don has already left; to the others] What happened?

Mordecai

Rigby blew it! He wouldn't give Don sugar!

Benson

[Furious] WHAT?! GO GIVE HIM SOME SUGAR!

Rigby

[Even more furious] NEVER! [runs away, panting]

Rigby

(trying to sleep) I'm a tough guy. (He says "tough guy" repeatedly).

They say this city's tough. But I'm tougher. (walks into a dark alley, and a gangster with half of his hair shaved off follows him with a knife)

You walked down the wrong alley, Riggerson. (Fists pins him against the wall.)

The name's... (pulls fist back) ...Fists! (He's about to punch him, but then, the taxi comes and shines its lights on him and the gangster.)

Ello, gov'nor!

Rigby

(Screams awake again as he jumps into Mordecai's arms.)

Mordecai

(Groans angrily with his hands crunching) What the heck, Rigby?!

Rigby

[his teeth chatters and quivers in fear] It's that stupid British taxi! It's all inside my brain!

Mordecai

[drops Rigby off his arms] Ugh, I knew it. I knew this would happen! I told you we shouldn't have watched that movie.

Rigby

I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.

Mordecai

Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.

Mordecai

[as he pushes Rigby against the screen] Look at it! Look at it! It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!

Rigby

Let me go!!

Mordecai

LOOK AT IT!!

Rigby

Get off me!

Mordecai

I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it!

Rigby

LET ME GO!

Mordecai

Look at it.

Rigby

LET ME GO!!

Mordecai

LOOK AT IT!! Look...at it...you look at it, you...look at it...

Rigby

Let... me GO!! (Throws the cover)

Benson

What the heck is going on?!

Mordecai

Rigby's just freaked off by this stupid dumb British movie we watched.

Benson

Well, you'd better have this place cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game.

Mordecai

Cricket?

Benson

Yeah. I'm trying new things.. So what.

Mordecai

(gasps) Will British people be there?

Benson

It's cricket. What do you think?

Benson

Next person receiving an appreciation plague is… Skips. [the other workers applaud for Skips as he comes over to him] It says here in the Book of Park Records that you went the whole year without taking a day off.

Muscle Man

[to Hi Five Ghost] Oh, man, that's like, 400 days!

Benson

[giving Skips his plaque] Thanks, Skips. We appreciate it. Next is, Pops.

Pops

[joyfully] Hooray!

Benson

For helping a baby bird back into its nest.

Rigby

Whoa.

Cool!

Benson

I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!

Mordecai

What mess?

Benson

[looks around and sees no mess at all] Uh—

Rigby

We did all the job you asked us to do.

Benson

…Skips, let's get outta here.

Rigby

What? Still no appreciation plaques?

Margaret

Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?

Mordecai

These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.

Margaret

Whoa, that's cool!

Mordecai

Yeah...it's pretty obscure...art-house stuff...

Rigby

It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!

Margaret

What's it called?

Benson

[on mic] It's called "Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs". [on watch] Break's over!

Mordecai

Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.

Benson

TO GO!!

Mordecai

Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!

Benson

It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.

Mordecai

Really?

Benson

Of course I do! Because now I have this! [sets up camera] Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. [walks away]

Rigby

Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

Benson

It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.

Mr. Maellard

Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.

Benson

Actually, sir, my name is "Benson".

Mr. Maellard

I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!! So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, Beanbag?

Benson

Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.

Mr. Maellard

Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, Pops!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?

Benson

Uh... no, sir.

Mr. Maellard

Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline, FIRED!

Benson

I can't find Pops! Did you see him?

Skips

No! I checked everywhere!

Benson

Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?

Muscle Man

Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?

Benson

Who? Your mom?

Muscle Man

I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say "my mom"?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.

Benson

Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.

Skips

We better find him quick!

Mordecai

(groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!

Rigby

Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!

Benson

It's payday, fellas.

Mordecai

Yeah-yuh!

Rigby

Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!