QI Season 1 quotes, page 39 ... TV Quotes Database

Stephen Fry

What comes flat-packed and takes 4 months to assemble?

Colin Lane

IKEA, IKEA dining table.

[Forfeit klaxon goes off: ANYTHING FROM IKEA]

Stephen Fry

We thought of that, I'm afraid. Sorry: [Australian Accent] sorry, Lano.

[later in the conversation]

Stephen Fry

Where is the world's largest branch of IKEA?

Noel Fielding

Wembley?

Colin Lane

Australia?

Stephen Fry

Yes. Which city? You'll be annoyed.

Colin Lane

Sydney?

Stephen Fry

Yes, Sydney. As Melbourner, you'll be properly annoyed...

Colin Lane

[between gritted teeth] Great city. Lovely people.

Stephen Fry

...he said between clenched teeth.

Noel Fielding

I did some gigs there and I played the Opera House. And I was in the Opera House, doing some press. And I looked out of the window thinking, "Where's the Opera House?" Actually scanning the horizon. "Where's the Opera House gone? You're in it, you idiot!"

Ross Noble

You should have gone [looks up] "Whoa!"

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[on discussion of the biggest things in Australia being classed as "The Biggest in the Southern Hemisphere"]

Ross Noble

The best one ever is in: have you been to Narrandera? Where they've got the southern hemisphere's 2nd largest playable guitar. They've gone:

"We've got the world's biggest guitar."

"No, it's not."

"Playable guitar?"

"Southern Hemisphere's?"

"They've what?"

"The Southern Hemisphere's 2nd largest playable guitar."

And you can see the signs being crossed out.

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Stephen Fry

The second largest fish in the world is...?

Is it a big squid?

Fish.

A jellyfish?

...A fish.

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[On the Korean phrase "When will I eat your noodles?" meaning "When are we getting married?"]

Stephen Fry

[To Alan] But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles. And you didn't invite me to your wedding.

Alan Davies

I did invite you. You didn't come.

Stephen Fry

[facepalms in embarrassment]

Alan Davies

Yeah, you know what you were doing? You were filming an episode of Bones.

Stephen Fry

Yes, I was.

Alan Davies

I’ve never been so insulted in my life.

Stephen Fry

I’m so sorry. How embarrassing. I’m so sorry.

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[On the Korean phrase "He worked like he was attending the grave of his wife's uncle" meaning "They didn't put much effort into the job"]

KRKatherine Ryan

So, like "shagging the dog"?

Stephen Fry

Not really. Not really, Katherine. Is there something you want to share with us? "Like shagging the dog?"

KRKatherine Ryan

Yeah, if you don't work very hard, you're just shagging the dog.

Stephen Fry

NOT IN THIS COUNTRY, MADAM! IN THIS COUNTRY WHEN WE SHAG A DOG WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING! And it is pretty hard work, let me tell you...

Alan Davies

Not as easy as it looks, let me tell you that.

Stephen Fry

So, in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"?

KRKatherine Ryan

Yeah, or "shagging the sheep" if you want.

Stephen Fry

Again, perfectly common practice over here, but not considered a light or unburdensome task.

KRKatherine Ryan

It just means, like, having an easy day.

Stephen Fry

There's a lot I have to learn about Canada...

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[Stephen is about to launch one of his knick-knacks]

Phill Jupitus

There's just too many double entendres. You pumping custard?

Stephen Fry

Stop it. Are you ready for me to pump the custard?

Phill Jupitus

Yes, I'm ready to pump your custard. [puts his head on the desk]

Josh Widdicombe

This is not how I wanted to go.

Alan Davies

[shouting] It's quite warm there actually. I could feel the heat right there. If had been sitting there, I could have been: [normal voice] I could have been ignited.

Stephen Fry

You could have been covered in hot custard.

Phill Jupitus

I told you, before you did this experiment...

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Stephen Fry

Thorns are modified branches or stems. Prickles are part of the skin, which is what those are, they come out from the skin.

Ross Noble

So when Bon Jovi sang "Every rose has a thorn..."

Stephen Fry

They were lying.

Ross Noble

...he made an absolute fool of himself. That would be great wouldn't it, if you went to a Bon Jovi gig. "Every rose has a ..." Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! [imitates forfeit klaxon]

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Sue Perkins

Biggest knitted object? Well, I’ve had my doubts about Venus for a long time...

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Stephen Fry

Is there a word for prostitute that begins with a silent k?

Sue Perkins

Knob gobbler.

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[On posteriors]

Stephen Fry

If you had a colonoscopy, you know, 24 hours before you would have to take these unbelievably powerful, er...

Bill Bailey

Hallucinogenics?

[The audience and Stephen start laughing as Bill starts slouching in his chair and talking in a Texas accent.]

Bill Bailey

Wow, wowee, ah ha! Oh, I'm being taken by a space octopus!

[Bill's buzzer suddenly goes off without him touching it.]

Bill Bailey

I didn't even touch it!

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Stephen Fry

What has 20 legs, 5 heads and can't reach its own nuts?

Jeremy Clarkson

Westlife.

Stephen Fry

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky, cos I know what the klaxon was.

Jeremy Clarkson

Ha-ha!

Jimmy Carr

I presume the klaxon: shall I?

Stephen Fry

Yeah, go on.

Jimmy Carr

One Direction?

Stephen Fry

Oh!

[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - ONE DIRECTION]

[later on in the conversation]

Stephen Fry

It sounds like a gypsy band, but it's the squirrel kings. What would squirrel kings be?

Bill Bailey

The best squirrel?

Stephen Fry

Well, oddly enough, it's really unfortunate. They squirm around on trees. But sometimes trees exude, a sticky sap. And when the baby squirrels get their tails caught in the sticky sap, their tails get stuck together. And you get this (cuts to image of 5 squirrels stuck together by their tails). Absolutely stuck together.

[Audience goes "aww!"]

Jeremy Clarkson

Oh, that's fucking hysterical!

[Laughter]

Jeremy Clarkson

Seriously they're stuck together?!?! [cackles]

Stephen Fry

You're so bad! You are so bad! The audience goes "aww"!

Jeremy Clarkson

It's not! It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of! And they're never going to be organised enough to go "Ready, steady" and run off in different directions. They'll never be able to do that!

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[On plans to turn King's Cross into an indoor landing place for planes.]

Alan Davies

Quite difficult to land on a, kind of a bend though.

Stephen Fry

I think you use the straight bits.

[The audience starts laughing.]

Jimmy Carr

That would have been an amazing pilot's last words. 'This is tricky...'

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Jimmy Carr

Is Pippa Middleton royal?