GLGraham Linehan
If I’ve forgotten someone’s name, I just say, ‘excuse me for a second,’ and then I go home.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
TMTim Minchin
[After setting off a klaxon.] I’m Alan Davies!
[After Alan gets a question right.] A jolly encouraging and patronising round of applause to you.
We know one person who did not escape, don’t we Alan? Who out of his natural curiosity sat down on a chair, tied a pillow to his head with a napkin and watched it, and then suffocated.
Yes.
And his name was? Your old friend...?
Pliny.
Pliny! Hooray.
It’s always Pliny.
What would happen?
If?
No, I’m just saying, it’s rhetorical. There’s a question. What would happen, Stephen? Discuss.
Sheep from the island of Lesbos were transported around Europe and they had foot and mouth disease and they communicated it all around Europe.
Oh.
So lesbian sheep were responsible for an outbreak in 1994.
Well, you need Jonathan Creek to get that one.
Well, there you are. So that's pretty exciting, isn't it?
Well...
No, it's not, really.
JSJanet Street-Porter
How do pigeons have sex?
In the normal way. Is this news to you?
[On the varied contents of the Kama Sutra, one of which is a lemonade recipe.]
I love the idea of a child setting up a lemonade stand "Courtesy of the Kamasutra"
[On the unusual habits of the American Author of the Kamasutra Book]
He also trained himself to insert pencils into his penis. Not only a pencil though: a toothbrush, bristles first!
AAudience
NO!
Well, what? Every year, while his wife is going "He's impossible to buy for" and he's going "A TRAVEL POUCH! A PENCILCASE! I'M TIRED OF CARRYING THINGS ROUND IN ME PENIS!" "What about a travel wallet?" "NO!"
VCVictoria Coren Mitchell
This is something my husband told me...
David Mitchell told you something, and you believe it?
VWVictoria Wood
Have you not got a television?
Yes, but I’m always on it.
[on discussion on why Santa doesn't have a place on Forbes' fictional rich list]
Yes, young Brendan.
BOBrendan O'Carroll
Is it because [whispers] he may not be real?
*gasps*
[forfeit klaxon goes off - HE'S NOT REAL]
BOBrendan O'Carroll
YES!
Oh, poor Phill...
[Phill heads over to the screen and collapses in disbelief]
But, Phill: that got a klaxon. So that can't be right.
[Phill runs over to hug Stephen]
It's alright.
[Phill sits back down]
Carry on...
[same conversation]
So why is Santa off of the rich list?
It's a very simple reason. It's a fictional rich-list. And Santa is real!
[To the tune of "O, Tannenbaum"]
Neil Kinnock's hair is deeply red.
though most of it's not on his head.
[Classical Ringtone]
(to Brendan) Is that your phone?
BOBrendan O'Carroll
Yes.
[Panel and Audience Laughs as Brendan covers his face in shame]
BOBrendan O'Carroll
It's Heston Blumenthal!
Minus how many points, I'm wondering?
BOBrendan O'Carroll
I'm so sorry. I didn't even know I had it on me!
Do you know the name for a group of kittens?
A sack of?
A puke?
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